Sigh... Oh, Japan...

Did you know they made a live action version of Go Nagai's "Cutey Honey"? Did you WANT to know? Part of you did but most of you could have probably done without that particular granule of data. Well tough luck, suckers! Not that you've actually watched it of course but by now that part of you is probably wondering "Gee... is it up on Youtube?" The answer would be yes, yes it is:



Now, I'm not going to say this is an awful movie. It's not really bad at all, given the subject matter. Sure the ending is weak ("power of love" my ASS, Nagai!) but the overall presentation is... well "unique" would be the best word to describe it.

WARNING: Do NOT watch this film if you are drunk, stoned, high or otherwise intellectually impaired, as certain parts may destroy your grasp on reality.

So give it a look if you're so inclined. Can't be worse than the live action version of DOA, right?

This Campaign Was Sponsored By...

I was going to write a post commenting on last week's decision by the U.S. Supreme Court allowing corporations and unions to essentially buy and sell politicians like cattle at an auction, but I am too lazy so here is a video that pretty sums it up:

Don't Sell Out, America! from Jordan Peele

They Can Never Be Undone

Star Wars: Episode I The Phantom Menace is the worst movie I have ever had the displeasure to watch in a movie theatre. When I saw it opening day ten years ago I distinctly remember the crowd cheering with a standing ovation during the opening crawl, but during the end credits two people were clapping while everyone else just sat there with a blank stare on their face. I believe we were all in shock from the realization we just watched an illogical, incoherent god-awful mess of a movie.

What happened? This was supposed to be Star Wars. This was supposed to be amazing...

After watching all the Prequels you realize just how talentless George Lucas really is and that the Original THEATRICAL Trilogy was actually the result of Lucas being surrounded by people who had the cojones to call him out on his bullshit instead of the sycophants now currently populating Lucasfilm.

So, instead of me talking about this "movie" in another brilliant Digital Dharma review, I will let this guy do it. I present you with the single best movie review I have ever seen and, trust me, its worth all 70 minutes:



Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7

Movie Review: Dragon Wars

Dragon Wars (or "D-War") is a terrible movie. And I say that not as a note of criticism but rather out of a sense of disappointment because it shouldn't be. In terms of presentation, D-War is excellent, boasting special effects and costuming on a level far above what should be expected of a B-movie. I even feel akward referring to it as a "B-movie" because again, I can't shake the impression that it could have been so much more.

I'm not going to write a full review because the story is so simple and yet so dull it's not worth covering in detail. Suffice it to say it involves dragons, destiny and war. Well, battle... I mean "war" denotes ongoing conflict between two parties consistantly. This story revolves around a single battle fought 500 years ago that ended inconclusively and was put on hiatus until the principle players were re-incarnated in the present, at which point it resumed.

The plot itself basically revolves around this simple concept: "Is that a 500 ft long snake smashing it's way through LA? Holy shit, it IS! RUN!" That's pretty much it. For like, a solid half hour of the film. Spot the snake, run, hide, look around, get spotted by the snake again, lather, rinse, repeat. This is interspersed with some other stuff involving the military, the governement, a psyche ward and an antique shop but it's all basically incidental. In a switcheroo, the plot points actually serve as padding to the running scenes which is... weird.

The best part of the film is actually in the beginning when we get the backstory. It takes place in a fictionalized 16th century Korea and basically involves the army of the evil serpent raiding the castle of a local lord to retrieve a princess in order to sacrifice her. The army consists of spectral soldiers clothed in dark armour with silver accents, it's officers riding mini T-rexes, supported by large, tadpole-like lizards with huge, multi-rocket bazookas on their backs and smaller, more western-style dragons that spit fireballs. It's VERY cool and nerdy in a Lord of the Rings kinda way. If the entire movie were about this quasi-historical version of Korea and culminated in this battle, it would be AWESOME. Unfortunately, it's not.

And that right there is D-War's biggest flaw in a nutshell. My advice to future film makers out there: When your movie's backstory is a better story than it's actual plot, MAKE IT THE MAIN STORY. Compaired to the intro, the entire rest of D-War feels like filler, right up til the end which (while kinda cool) isn't nearly as engrossing or well presented as the battle scene in the prologue. Also it doesn't make a lick of sense. Not one iota. There isn't enough poly filla on earth to patch the holes in this story.

So in summary, if you watch this movie, do yourself a favour: skip the opening sequence, fast forward about ten minutes until you get to the backstory, watch that until it ends and then turn it the fuck off. Trust me, you will be doing yourself a disservice if you watch any further. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

D(ragon) Wars gets a rating of:

1½ out of 4 STARS AND CONVINCES ME THAT CELESTIAL DRAGONS AND OPIUM GO TOGETHER LIKE BACON AND EGGS BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THE DIRECTOR MUST HAVE BEEN SMOKING TO END A MOVIE LIKE THAT!