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Sunday, March 07, 2010

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The Oscars Suck Like The Whores At Its Afterparty

The Academy AwardsTM are currently underway where actors and movie producers self-gratify each other on live TV, letting the entire planet know how great they are because, evidently, being multi-multi-millionaires just isn't enough. So how about I put the Oscars in pespective for all those in attendance at the Kodak Theatre.

There were 518 movies released in 2009. Out of those 518, the "Academy" could only find ten films worth nominating. That means Hollywood only did a good job 1.93% of the time last year. Try being that unproductive at your day job and see how long you last before HR staples a pink slip to your forehead. Only Hollywood would pat itself on the back for being so bad at its job. They are all idiots including all the people that watch such award show drivel.

"We want to thank all of you for watching us congratulate ourselves tonight." - Warren Beatty

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Sunday, February 28, 2010

D'oh, Canada

I was watching the closing ceremonies of the Olympics just now. I was actually double-watching it, I kept switching back and forth between the American and Canadian coverage. If you missed it after Neil no-longer-Young's warbling, the closing consisted mostly of saccarin, self-deprecating rounds of not-very-funny comedy from the likes of William Shatner, Catherine O'hara and Michael J. Fox. What followed was a jazzy, swingy rendition of "The Maple Leaf Forever" sung by Michael Buble. Accompanying this was a parade of kitschy Canadiana in the form of gaint, inflatable mounties, giant versions of table hockey players, dancers dressed as maple leaves, voyageurs, more mounties, more hockey players, lumberjacks and topped off with a half dozen huge beavers and two enormous inflatable moose floating around the arena, all meticulously coreographed.

I hated it.

Partly because it was so overly "Yay us!" but mostly I hated it because I got what they were doing; it was all supposed to be tounge-in-cheek, as if to say to the world "See? And you thought this was all we were!" Generally that might have worked except that the American coverage stopped when that part of the ceremony concluded! What followed was a REAL sample of what Canada is TODAY, not a dusty collection of archaic, cliched symbols and characatures. It was a full blown rock concert featuring Avril Lavinge, Nickleback, Alanis Morrisette, K-os and more. Not all my cup-of-tea to be sure but all undeniably top selling musicians showcasing Canadian talent at it's best. It was a high-energy cavalcade, hip, young, diverse. THAT'S Canada.

But of course, that's not what the Americans saw and it's not what their global affiliates will see. Nope, to them we conclude on the note "See? We're EXACTLY what you think we are! A clownish display of rodents and puck-slappers, wrapped up in plaid". They probably had some dancing bottles of maple fucking syrup in there too that I missed somehow.

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Monday, February 08, 2010

Sigh... Oh, Japan...

Did you know they made a live action version of Go Nagai's "Cutey Honey"? Did you WANT to know? Part of you did but most of you could have probably done without that particular granule of data. Well tough luck, suckers! Not that you've actually watched it of course but by now that part of you is probably wondering "Gee... is it up on Youtube?" The answer would be yes, yes it is:



Now, I'm not going to say this is an awful movie. It's not really bad at all, given the subject matter. Sure the ending is weak ("power of love" my ASS, Nagai!) but the overall presentation is... well "unique" would be the best word to describe it.

WARNING: Do NOT watch this film if you are drunk, stoned, high or otherwise intellectually impaired, as certain parts may destroy your grasp on reality.

So give it a look if you're so inclined. Can't be worse than the live action version of DOA, right?

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