The story starts in a damp cave, lit with a dim, slightly greenish glow and echoing with the sounds of water dripping.

[Entre Big Ugly Guy]

Big Ugly Guy looks at the camera and gives us an evil smile.

 Big Ugly Guy: Hey there! I’m a big ugly guy, and I don’t have a name, because I’m unimportant, and I’m probably going to die in a few minutes. Unless The Author sees fit to *not* kill me.

 He casts a hopeful look up at the sky, where The Author And Creator Of This Story is said to reside.

 Big Ugly Guy [cont.]: ‘Cause, you know, I haven’t always been very religious, and I know I don’t ever leave offerings of chocolate at your alters, but...! I don’t want to die!

 He gets down on his knees.

 A voice [no, not Voice. A voice] from the sky and everywhere echoes around him.

The voice: Um. No. You’re pissing me off. And I need someone to die to demonstrate the Danger which our Heros will eventually conquer. Oh, damn, I just gave the plot away! And it’s all your fault!

Big Ugly Guy: Who are you?

The voice: I’m The Author. You can call me Bird.  

He scrambles to his feet.

 Big Ugly Guy: Wow! I’m talking to Her Authorness! Wow! Oh wow! Listen, do you think I could have some more hair on my head? And, you know, a few less pounds? Um... and not die or anything.

 The Author: No.

 Big Ugly Guy: Oh. Damn. You know what? You’re a bitch!

 The Author: I get that a lot. Anyway, no arguing! I’m the author of this story, so get a move on!

 The Big Ugly Guy grumbles and starts picking his way across the cave.

 Big Ugly Guy [to himself]: Why me? And why do I even bother? I mean, what’s the use even trying to stay alive?  

He walks into the next cave and looks at his map.

 Big Ugly Guy [cont.]: So I’m supposed to not step on the red tiles, huh? This is dumb. I’m not wasting my energy trying to stay alive.  

He steps directly on a red tile and gets fried by flames coming from the walls.

 The Author: Haha, joke’s on you.

 Cut to The Laboratory.

 Cleopatra: You know, back in the 21st century-

 Voice: Hey!

 Hel: Yes, Voice?

 Sarge: I wonder if I can hit that bug on Cleo’s head without hurting her...

 Voice: Oh, Hel? Sorry, wrong number...

 Mauser: You know how much it sucks being a robot and surrounded by beautiful women?

 Cleopatra: We had all sorts of brands of chocolate...

 Hel rolls her eyes.

 Hel: I love you too, Voice

 Mauser: I mean, three half naked babes...

 Sarge: Well, no way to find out but to test the theory...

 She aims her gauntlet at Cleo and shoots. Cleopatra screams and ducks. The bug formerly on her head flies away.

 Sarge [cont.]: You just *had* to move, didn’t you?

 Voice: Hey!

 Hel: Well, Sarge, you could have killed her- Yes, Voice?

 Sarge: So?

 Voice: Whoops. I must have my speed dials messed up.

 Cleo: Oh. Thanks.

 Hel: Hmmm...

 Mauser looks at his pants.

 Mauser: And... nothing! Why? This is so unfair!

 Sarge smacks him

 Sarge: Shut up...

 Mauser: Hey, watch it. I used to be a betrayer, you know!

 Sarge: Don’t remind me.

 Hel: But, anyway, Sarge, if you took Cleopatra out, we’d have to call the show Sarge 2525.

 Cleopatra: Oh. Thanks.

 Sarge: So?

 Cleopatra: Oh. Thanks.

 Voice: Hel? Hel?

 Hel: AAAAGGGHHH! Stop calling me by accident!

 Voice: No, this time, I did intend on calling you.

 Hel grits her teeth.

 Hel: It had better be good.

 Voice: I need you and your team to rescue a sacred artifact. It’s been safe for years, but-

 Cleopatra: Is Voice talking to you, huh? Huh? Do we have a mission? Huh?

 Sarge: Now, don't you regret the fact that I missed?

 Cleopatra: HEY!

 Hel: Shut up, the both of you

 Cleopatra and Sarge glower at each other.

 Hel [cont.]: So, Voice, what?

 Voice: This artifact. It’s been safe for years but recently the map has somehow gotten out to the general public. You must go get this artifact, immediately!

 Hel: Uh, okay.

 Voice: I’m sending Mauser the directions right now.  

Hel looks over at Mauser; Mauser is rocking back and forth and muttering ‘Not fair, not fair...’

 Voice [cont.]: Be careful. It’s guarded by many traps.

 Hel: Right.

 Voice: Okay, my Angels, let’s go!  

Hel frowns for a minute, then shrugs.

 Hel: Whatever.

 Voice: What?

 Hel: Nevermind. Cleo, Sarge! We’ve got a mission and...  

She turns to Cleo and Sarge and finds them rolling around pulling at each other’s hair.

 Voice: Hel? What’s wrong?

 Hel: Nothing that I can’t deal with.

 Voice: Okay. I need to go anyway. Nature calls.

 Hel: Well, nice to know that you don’t use the washroom while in the middle of a transmission with me...

 Voice: Uh... right.  

Hel grabs Cleopatra in one hand and Sarge in the other. She shakes them.

 Hel: Break it up!

 Cleopatra: She called me a dumb blond!

 Sarge: Yeah? Well she called me a bimbo!  

Hel sighs.

 Hel: Do I have to spank?

 Sarge: Is that an offer?

 Cleopatra: Oh, barf. 

Hel grits her teeth.

 Hel: Let’s just get out of here, huh?

 Cleopatra: Okay, fine, but I get to sit in the front!

 Sarge: Do not!

 Cleopatra: Do too!

 Sarge: Do not!

 Cleopatra: Do too!

 Sarge: Do not!

 Cleopatra: Do too!

 Hel: Okay, that’s it! Neither of you get to sit up from with me, alright?

 They pout.

Hel [cont.]: Now, come on, we’ve gotta save the world!

They pout.

 Hel smacks them.

Hel [still cont.]: NOW! 

They all get into their little ship-thingy, which they’ve never ever had, but somehow do now, magically.

Part 2

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The characters from Cleopatra 2525 belong to RenPics... not me. Sadly. I am not making any money off of this. Mmmph