:: myurbansoul (well, no music as such...but a lovely vibe...from Russia)
Imagine - music as contraband...
Wednesday, September 24
Hello God? It's me, Margaret...
Via Jonno-who-begat-Tyler, below is a little cut & paste sample which shows, clearly, why she is the funniest english-speaking person on the planet ::
"In the Columbian Parliament, MP Luis Eduardo Diaz was suspended for bringing out a rubber dildo during a parliamentary debate. He was using it as a prop, to demonstrate the need for mandatory sterilization to control the birth rate of the poor population of Bogota. After offending many members of Parliament, he lost his temper and left the dildo on the desk of the Minister of Health. Diaz was suspended for five sessions, as members complained about the inappropriate action of bringing a rubber dildo into Parliament, and most were so shocked about the dildo, they had no idea what he was talking about. That is what happens when you bring a rubber dick into the room. Everything shuts down. What is worse than the dildo, which is kind of a needless prop, because you don't need visual aids in these types of situations as pretty much everyone in government should and would know where babies come from. Was he using it as a pointer? Trying to put some flair into his presentation? That might work somewhere else, like say, the Folsom Street Fair, but not in the Columbian Parliament. No rubber dicks allowed. To his credit, there was no rule on the books that states clearly that such prosthetics are not allowed in the building and must be checked in at the front security desk, where a guard would tag it and it could be reclaimed when the owner left the premises".
Pass the oxygen.
Tuesday, September 23
Kenny was gettin' all gospel the other day, and blithely suggested that I do a remix of Amazing Grace. Uh - I'm Jewish. So I did this instead ::
Please...if you're anywhere near or around Toronto this Friday evening, come see Matt C, Corey and some 'mystery' guest at IT - and help bid adieu to what was, far & away, TO's loveliest, happiest club venue ( = a former curry palace, converted into a multi-floored dance cavern, where people smiled, for the most part, without realizing it).
I've had invitations to participate in the pornosphere - but, frankly, was too worried re: how my ass would appear under all that light. In fact, I know a lot of people who would otherwise jump genitals-first into adult films were it not for considerations of vanity. Thanks Andy - but you never told us that we actually had to be prepared for our 15 minutes....
Porn Debut Check-list ::
:: Need to purchase ~ Crest Whitening Strips, Summer's Eve (just the solution - not the whole kit), Nair, Lancome Self-tanning Body Emulsion, Vial of Trail Mix (before), Ativan - 2mg tabs (after), lovely fluffy Frette bathrobe - for parading around the set.
:: Need to hire ~ Porn Acting Coach to help you bring the characters to life - "what's my motivation for this scene?....to fuck the football coach....does he want it?.....oh yeah..."
:: Need to tell ~ Your ex's.
I wonder if this is what Office Temps go through each week....
One of the sadder hallmarks of systemic oppression is the tendency for the oppressee to take on the less savoury characteristics of his/her oppressor. In Gayland, such Victim Warriors are called Anti-Fags : ostensibly intelligent, invariably single & unimaginably bitter, these guys make it a point to rally against many of the 'gay' things you - the erstwhile queer party boy who's just trying to live his life - enjoy.
Bearing that cross is not supposed to be fun, you see...
Anyways, these guys totally irritate me, for a whole bunch of Fruedian reaons, and the only way I can deal with the Queer Quixotes I encounter frequently is to piss them off. Here's how ::
Have Sex & Talk About It Oh dear. Blair isn't happy. You've just announced to him that you had sex in a washroom. You see, in one fell swoop, you've just a) objectified yourself, b) indicated that you have a "serious" (you mean, there's a "mild"version?) sex addiction, and c) reinforced the stigmitization of Men-Who-Can't-Piss-In-Public. You also didn't have sex with Blair, but this is never mentioned ....Blair's in enough pain, right?
Dance With Your Shirt Off This makes you either cognitively impaired or a 'body fascist' (how ironic). Your body is bad. Stop touching yourself.
Cultivate a Droll, Nancy-Boy Affect It's called 'camp', and it's based an ability to laugh at one's self, as a means of dealing with anger & anxiety without hurting others. It also completely freaks out the pious members of our team who worry, secretly & obssessively, that perhaps they have been assigned the wrong gender...gender, schmender, I say.
Make Stupid Life Decisions How can one achieve wisdom without ever fucking up? The occaisional Shallow Episode does not abrogate my right to live, for fuck's sake.
Air Kiss There was a SARS?West Nile epidemic round these parts, ok? Maybe we were on to something this entire time.
Live For Your Social Life Look - if anyone out there can show me something more interesting than being around other people, sign me up. Jobs generally suck, war is whack, and don't simply assume that The Meek want a) your help & b) to inherit the earth. The Blairs of the world would have us chanting & lighting candles & taking interminable walks in the park, instead.
Aspire To Political Atheism It's your right not to care (Blair's just worried he'll be marching all by himself).
Have Female Idols And all those appropriate Male idols would be?
In fact - that's her voice. Which I sampled. Without her knowledge. Of course.
Tuesday, September 9
Work with me....
Number of god-awful sweaters I need to purge from my wardrobe by next month before setting foot anywhere in public :: @ 10
Percentage of income usually devoted to wardrobe replenishment during this time of year :: 50
Rough probability that I will have an income of any significance during this time next month :: Well, his name is Hector, he's 56, he drives a Lexus and is REALLY sweet...
Rough probability that I will be able to attend Black & Blue next month, despite financial constraints :: 100. Anyways - eating has become so outré.
Number of times I plan on mentioning my upcoming & sure-to-be most unsettling B'Day yet :: 1. This is it. Make it magic. No COD's, please...
Number of fairly interesting celebrity sightings made over the last month :: 3. Ms. Jolie (pretty), Mr. Farrell (unkempt), Ms. Evangelista (I'm virtual neighbours with her family. Brother is a plumber & has the same great eyebrows).
Number of anticipated celebrity sightings in the weeks to come :: Tons. It's called the Toronto International Film Festival (or, "I can't find a single table or parking spot anywhere in this damn city"). Sharon Stone is everywhere...
Number of embarassing 4-somes in which I've participated over the last month :: 2.
Number of times I plan on repeating that silly behaviour during the fall :: 0....well, at least not with 4 - Prime numbers are more amenable to sex, I think.
Number of Gay Weddings to which I've been invited, to date :: 0. Go figure...
Number of times I've thought about retreating, gracefully & with some drama, from nightlife altogether next month - kinda like La Duchesse de Beauséant did, in Pere Goriot (Balzac) :: This is the part where everyone tells me to shut-up...it's only a fucking birthday.
Number of times I've thought about re-naming this blog next month to Joan Crawford Has Left the Room :: Once, fleetingly.
Number of times I've thought about changing my name next month to 'Joan Crawford" :: Just joking, sort of. But I've always been partial to "Betsy".
Chances, I think, that yet another disaster will beset Toronto in the months to come:: High. Bad things happen in 3's...
Chances, I think, that this disaster will involve "terrorism" in some shape or form:: Nil. Wouldn't have any effect. Most of that city's inhabitants already behave like terrorists for the most part. Especially the wait staff.
Chance (expressed in percentage), I think, that most of the said inhabitants would take that as a compliment :: 100.
"...and all the leaves are taupe..."
Monday, September 8
Could I Kill someone?
This man needs to be stopped, a la Bloggy et al - and not merely intolerated by a society which, I might add, is so vapid, so brain-dead, that it is entirely content to let 'someone else' exorcise it's demons and it's nazi's and it's lesions of evil. And where the fuck is Susan Sarandon?
Gay teenagers don't even know who the hell they are yet - but Fred Phelps has already made sure they know who their life-long mortal enemies will be.
Oh yeah - to answer my own question ::
Sunday, September 7
Women Beat Their Men
And I like lotsa drums - here's my chaotic attempt at Tribal-meets-Zamfir ::
One of our less charming words, 'ghetto' is the newest entry in the lexicon of CoolSpeak. Variants include 'sub-ghetto', 'ghetto mary', 'ghetto cruise' & ' get outta my ghetto'.
[Ok - i just made up the last one - but it's funny, yes?]
Anyways - here are some examples of current usage in case you're one of the sematically impaired ::
:: "You wanna drive me in that? I so wouldn't have gone home with you had known you were so ghetto" - trans. - Beige '93 Nissan's with partial fenders are highly undesirable.
:: "My - what ghetto hair you have today" - trans - It looks like you slept on the floor last night.
:: "Well, I guess you can come up & see my place - but it's, uh, kinda ghetto" - trans - Can mean several things...a) please ignore the eviction notice, b) I have no furniture besides these stereo boxes or c) don't ask me why I save my cigarette butts - just a habit I picked up in college, I think.
:: "His BF was hot - but so fucking ghetto" - trans - His starting rate = $500/night but yet he has no cell phone.
:: "I hate that store - way too ghetto" - trans - Non-organic produce sold exclusively.
:: "Her party was ok - but so fucking ghetto" - trans - Host did not provide mixers, you didn't know anyone there, and you had to smoke on the balcony.
Such a good time, that I can barely remember anything. Flashbacks which I've had during the 8 cups of coffee guzzled this morning include ::
:: Getting on TV ( "ClubVision" ?) after Omar & I accidently walked into some live segment about Labour Day Festivites as it was shot on the roof-top of Unity. Tara, the "reporter", was thoroughly entranced, as most are, by Omar. This always happens when he wears red.
:: Tonya Harding. She is a Drag Queen who walks around with a lead pipe in her purse.
:: Swimming in Tori's pool (yet another roof-top scene) and smoking some amazing mint-ish flavoured tobacco from her octopine bong. I felt like Lawrence of Rue St. Catherine.
:: Rinaldo & Ryan. Couples who play aren't normally this fun.
:: Frankie Knuckles. Still inventing House Music.
:: Anna, Mureille, Toby, J.P., that guy from last time, Jennifer (who sprinkles baby powder on the dance floor & ISN'T crazy), etc. etc. - thank you for helping me realize that my socialite days are not over. Yet.