With Labour Day, comes the end of summer 2003, and I'm left thinking about what a wonderful bloody time it was. Emphasis on the word "bloody". Thus, I'd like to thank all the people, natural forces, and suckers new friends that helped to make it such, right here, right now ::
:: all the free radicals who've made their presence in my body known via an alarming, sudden increase in facial wrinkle-age ( say " - aaahge")....thank you.
:: the goddess of employment & housing for fucking everything up r-o-y-a-l-l-y....thank you
:: the goddess in charge of karma & payback....ditto
:: all the Bitter Barbies in my life who thought I ever owed them anything....thank you & keep trippin'
:: Sylvain....not in this lifetime, sweetheart
:: whatever plant has been producing that lethal strain of pollen which has handily resisted all my best pharmacological efforts....thank you & more kleenex, if you could
:: the many pot-growers in this country who've unilaterally decided that prohibition was a far more profitable business environment in which to sell their wares....thank you & do you have anything else I could smoke, per chance?
:: those who put the "g" into Gay Ghetto....thank you & btw - you're in my seat, Sport...
:: that dealer on Montreal....thank you & yes, I've regained most of the feeling in the left side of my body
:: Pedro....thanks - but next time, how about you call the clinic first?
:: my so-called bank....thanks - but I already know I'm bad with money
:: the red-necks into which I seem to run with alarming regularity....thanks - but I'm not getting married anytime soon, so y'all can relax, n'k?
:: the semi-fictitious music label I was getting all giddy about....thanks & you should know that the only ex of mine to whom I still speak is actually a lawyer. And we've been talking....
Miss Sean gon' celebrate this weekend...
Wednesday, August 27
Repost :: What Becomes a Legend Most?
[Listening to: radio - dictaphone - m.=addiction (04:11)]
Before we all gag to death on the blog-trend of chronic self-congratulation & web page circle-jerks (I, you, everyone does it - come on), it would be wise to remember that there have been individuals who came well before us who were more fierce, more funny and more famous than most of us should ever presume/pretend to be.
Of course, this is all about Oscar Wilde, that Olympian of the pithy epithet.
He used to be My Big Hero when I was a teenager ( as a group, out teenagers tend to have fairly distinctive heroes) but only recently, and by accident, have I become reacquainted with the ever-acid Oscar. By comparison, most of us sound banal.
OW tells it like it is::
"It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances."
"Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much."
"I sometimes think that God in creating man, somewhat overestimated His ability."
"The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast."
"She is absolutely inadmissible into society. Many a woman has a past, but I am told that she has at least a dozen, and that they all fit."
"The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future."
"I often take exercise. Why only yesterday I had breakfast in bed."
"I never approve, or disapprove, of anything now. It is an absurd attitude to take towards life. We are not sent into the world to air our moral prejudices. I never take any notice of what common people say, and I never interfere with what charming people do."
"The basis of optimism is sheer terror."
"I live in terror of not being misunderstood."
"I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect."
"People who count their chickens before they are hatched, act very wisely, because chickens run about so absurdly that it is impossible to count them accurately"
Can't top that.
Tuesday, August 26
[Listening to: Micatone - Plastic Bags And Magazines - Micatone - Is You Is (04:57)]
[Americans have a singular, enviable knack for combining Politics, Criminality & Mythology into a flavour of politico-drama which is as trashy as it is addictive...]
It was only a matter of time before VF sunk their teeth into the latest Spencer train-wreck. Except it appears as though all William has to account for, at this point, really, is an incipient drinking problem & a Margaret-esque brother with a conduct disorder -
Nonetheless - you just know this poor man is doomed ...
Friday, August 22
A Place To Live
All I require is ::
:: decent closet space :: non-psychotic neighbours :: ample & reliable hot water
Friday - Drank beer-gone-skunky on a patio, grimaced as we melted our way to oblivion, cruised the largely unwashed masses. - Went to some party. - Celebrated TO's 2nd official disaster of the summer at IT, where I got to use first aid for the first time ever on some hapless twit who managed, somehow, to smash his temple against the corner of a bench on the second floor. Security personnel once again proved themselves singularly unqualified to perform any job-related task beyond maintaining a threatening mien. Especially if said task invovles a) helping somone who's cracked their head open and b) using a phone with which to call an ambulance. There was blood everywhere - except on my new jeans - and they didn't teach me that in the course. - High rise sketch party. Almost fell from balconey - guess I felt lucky....
Saturday - Personal drama all day - fast forward to evening, please... - 54 plans for night analyzed, considered & rejected. Gay men, as a group, do not exactly excel at making logistically feasible decisions regarding social acitivities when a) only half the group has any money, b) people aren't happy with their outfits, and c) everyone has a 'secret' plan to hook up with some 'secret' guy that everyone knows about. - Ended up at a Squirt Party. Water guns, vodka, swimwear - you get the picture.. - Personal fun the morning after.
Sunday - Lay low - for a while. - Went to straight peeler bar with friend who works there, as part - ok, only member of - her entourage. Had a few bumps with the gals in their, uh, "dressing room", and watched this friend make $300, courtesy an audience of stupified breeder men, in 45 minutes. - Other small-scale debauchery, that's best left unmentioned.
People in Toronto were surprisingly civil last weekend. Perhaps there's a general feeling of relief that now, at last, everyone has something real to bitch about.
"Gosh, Hank - I could have sworn that was the 'on' switch...."
Stories of BlackOut Courage ::
:: Friend Christine was having her hair done - and the power cut before she received her finishing blow dry. She considers herself lucky, however; she said the screams from those left bereft of power during perming & highlighting were harrowing. Oh, the humanity.
:: The Military Ball scheduled this evening @ FLY is cancelled. Crisis lines have been set up for ticket holders - if you see some confused general in fatigue chaps wandering around in a daze, give him a hug (or a bump).
:: Colin & Stella are trapped on the 16 floor. And there's no pot left....
Thursday, August 14
Staying Genuine in a Knock-off World
There is a distinct surfeit of Cool everywhere these days - I cite cell-phone camera toting pre-pubescents, Prada footwear on eBay ( thanks for the heads-up, Michael ), and Red Bull (aka The New Tang) as random examples.
So how did this happen? Some thoughts on the progression..... ::
:: The Fall of the Berlin Wall, The Gay-ification of Everything, and Good Hair Care Products for Everyone :: In one fell swoop, roughly 10 years ago, the world simultaneously & suddenly smelt, accessorized & groomed a whole lot better. Yeah - even you. A Important First Step....
:: Wallpaper Magazine :: Equipped with your new look, it behooved the you to decorate your life accordingly - and this obsessive compulsion of a magazine made it all seem so easy. Got it goin' on...but something's missing....
:: Cheap Drugs :: Helped you feel it (for a while). But I'm still lonely....
:: Aids Amnesia + Slutty Pop Stars + Viagara :: Helped you keep it up (forever). Ok, that was great - but now I wanna be famous, just like Andy said I would...
:: Reality Television :: Fed a growing pandemic of attention-seeking behaviour, by awarding participants suffering from serious addictions to themselves, cash prizes for bascially putting their best foot forward - at any cost. I'll show that bitch with the plastic boobs...
which brings us to
:: Quasi-Nazi Nouveau-Kennedy Ex-bodybuilder Who Portrays Murderous Sociopaths On Film As Front Running Gubnatorial Candidate In America's Largest State :: Arnold the Anti-Mitty, beady eyes hidden (probably the only remaining thing un-enlarged by steroids) makes the case for how stratospherically cool - and wealthy - the right pair of sunglasses & biceps can make a guy or gal. Sunglasses & biceps......
One of the things which indicates that you've become a real, bona fide adult is when, in the ongoing effort to manage & form workable policy governing your sex life, you start to get stress headaches. It just all gets so...so... complicated. And all the more so if you happen to be on a first-name basis with any of the people you shag + you have a Greek Chorus of interfering peers + your sex-drive shows no sign of imminent abatement.
So many men, so little time - and so much drama.
Recent events as well as past experience have led me to the following conclusions ::
:: You Can't Sleep With Everyone. Apart from the obvious logistical concerns (i.e., # of days/nights/coffee breaks in a given year vs # of available semi-conscious tricks), Fucking Everybody's usefulness as modus libido operandi is marred by the law of Diminished Returns. Basically, after a while, the sex gets boring...8 packs seem generic, ecstatic groaning sounds silly, and the top/bottom politics involved start to feel like an especially purient expression of the Gay Need To Succeed. I thought this was supposed to to be fun....
:: You Can't Sleep With Your Friends. Sorry, Fellas - but this just doesn't work. Due to many reasons, not the least of which is that a "friend' is the person you call first when you have one of those pesky Syphillus Panic Attacks. Or feel the need to unload about your messy behaviour at the last Betty Page event from which you were ejected. Unfortunately, you may discover one day that at least half your 'friends' portrayed themselves as such solely to have a go at you. Which makes you think twice before accepting any further post-e back-rubs ("uh, that's not my back, Brad...") or offers to lend clothing ("I've got my own boxers thanks..."). Gay Brotherhood? Looks a lot like incest to me.
:: You Can't Sleep With Your Friends' Ex's. Well, of course you can - but don't be an idiot and tell them about it.
:: You Can Sleep With Your Ex's. Just passing along this rumour I heard.
:: If You Don't Make The First Move, No-one Is Going To Do It For You. I am constantly amazed at how many of my more attractive acquaintances go without, due to a patholgical fear of initiating lust & the concomittant risk of rejection. So you get turned down. Big deal. What's the worst thing that could happen? (well, apart from the fact that he could say something like "Sorry - but I'm not a big fan of The Special Olympics myself", or that everyone in the bar is watching, or that this could be the first crucial test of your new Dr. Phil 'go-get'em-tiger' outlook on life......). Ok - never mind - resume posing.
:: Refrain From Asking Them Why They Think You're Hot. For whatever reason, they like you. Who are you to doubt them? Only their therapist knows the whole story. So go with it and don't look a gift horse in the mouth. File under "Do you think I'm pretty?"-type questions which only serve to embarass everyone involved.
:: Don't Act All Platonic When You're Making A Booty Call. "Jesus - wouldya look at that!? I'm giving you a blow job!!!...how the hell!?!" God - that whole front is so irritating. As though having sex with you were some sort of mistake.
:: Don't Act Like It's Not Obvious You're Tweaked Outta Your Freakin Mind. It's probably why you got picked up in the first place, darlin'....remember "Lowered Expectations" from SNL many years ago?
:: Make Sure The Cologne Is Good.
:: Hint - Never Describe. Re: your carnal adventures. This gives your friends plenty of creative leeway for those rumours you're counting on them to start.
Cigarette, Dear ?
Monday, August 11
Look What I Found
This is a form letter I sent myself, after completing, the, uh, registration form.
From: vespesian (email@example.com) [me] Date: 2003-08-11 To: firstname.lastname@example.org [me] Subject: My Virtual Model (TM) Experience@MVM Home
Hi, meet my 3D model and online identity. All I had to do was pick and click! Hair color, skin tone, measurements. Now I can surf the web and try on clothes to see how they really fit me. Could you ever imagine shopping on the web could be this much fun?
"...if you're a child of entitlement, you walk around with a certain guilt; or at least i think you and i do. but somehow that has to end. noblesse oblige, indeed. some people, certain parentals, just never had the quiksilver we have in our blood. and they've missed the chance we gave them over and over. what do you do with a person like that? you say goodbye..."