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Sunday, March 30

List, a la JTB

Oh, what the hell...posting on a Sunday is still kinda new for me ::

1.5 :: Number of carafes of French Roast I normally consume on any given day.
3 :: Number of minutes until I experience complete cognitive & emotional meltdown if I do not, for some reason, ingest said amounts of coffee by 10 am.
4 :: Numbers of times I re-read Times Piece concerning NYC smoking ban....astonishing.
300:: Number of canadian dollars I managed to spend Friday pm/Saturday am.
6 :: Number of vital items I managed to misplace Friday pm/Saturday am (bank card, drugs, ID, keys, heather's phone #, coat check ticket).
@5:: Number of times, per hour, O. & I affirmed that this was the 'most fun' Friday pm/Saturday am in recent memory.
? :: Number of times we do this every weekend.
3 :: Number of 'peak moments' I had dancing my ass off with Wonder Woman of the Week, Stefanie, Friday pm.
2 :: Number of times myself and assorted fags helped her to 're-adjust' her look in the bathroom at IT, Friday pm (you're not actually supposed to use all those buttons..)
1 :: Number of Big Deal Dance Music Impresario's I met this weekend.
2 :: Number of times I considered fucking this Important Person for reasons of career enhancement...
0 :: ....until I saw his a) gut and b) outfit (Midwestern Mall Look, circa 1995). Don't believe The Hype, ok?
4 :: Number of instances in which I had the whole "what's gay/straight/bi and who gives a fuck" conversation with an overly-interested conversee. Funny how much this turns gay men on.
13 :: Age I first had consensual sex with a man.
25 :: Age I first had semi-consenual sex with a woman.
0 :: Number of indicators I saw during the weekend which reflected Toronto's current State Of Emergency, because of S.A.R.S.
1 :: Number of other cities currently under similiar State Of Emergency (Hong Kong).
1 :: Number of times I thought "State Of Emergency" would be a great name for some Strum und Drang, post-modern punk band.
1 :: Number of genuine punk bands to which I attached myself, a long time ago, as full-fledged groupie ("The Forgotten Rebels").
210:: Number of hits which one mere link on Miss B's page garnered this page - on Friday alone....astonishing.
1 :: Rank of reason - that Bennington employed neither grades nor exams - out of possible incentives, that figured into my decision to attend that college.
2 :: Number of times I was placed on "academic probation" there.
1 :: Number of times, Maguerite Stewart, my favourite professor, informed me that she was going to teach me how to "save my soul".
2 :: Number of years I managed to remain enrolled, before getting kicked out.
0 :: Number of jobs, requiring that I have a degree, that I have been denied, due to not having a degree. So there.
4 :: Number of days it takes, on average, for my non-cyber contacts to respond to my carefully crafted e-mails to them.
1 :: Number of days, for my cyber contacts.
12 :: Number of times, on average, I implore my friend Colin - a graphic designer, no less - to get his blog going.
? :: Number of incriminating, publish-able photographs he has of the Peer Group.
70 :: Percentage, on average, of time during which I have serious misconceptions about the impression of myself I create in other people.
1 :: Number of 'issues' to which I am aware this sorry state of affairs is directly related.
2 :: Number tabs of e which allow me to forget about it.
1 :: Rank which Anxiety holds as the emotional state which, given the opportunity, I would chose, over all others, to eradicate from my consciousness.
90 :: Percentage of time I realize, however, that a well-honed state of Anxiety can save your ass more than you may want to admit.

(Is it me - or do these things always end up feeling like therapy?...

...I think it's me....)

Friday, March 28

Travels With My Aunt

Some people think I'm funny - if so, then I come by it naturally. Below is a typical e-mail exchange between myself & my aunt, Judi, where she asks me if I could look after her family's septugenarian Great Dane, Thadeus, while they vacation in Maine next summer.

For the record, Judi is in her mid 50's.....and used to teach other people's children.

----- Original Message -----
From: Judi Dupuis
To: S White
Sent: March 27, 2003 9:49 AM
Subject: Are you up for it?

Hi Sean, S'me Yorant. Membermee?
Seems like weedall be going tomaine this ummer and were one dring if yood cummup here todo the doggy thing again. Weed pay for your flite and all and give yoo sums to spend and give yoo a fillup in the fridge.If yoo can the dates that weed be going r the 12th to the 26 of July so weed bring yoo up a little earlier than that.
Pleez let me no (or yes) soon ok?
Yorant J

----- Original Message -----

From: Sean White
To: Judi Dupuis
Sent: Thursday, March 27, 2003 11:29 AM
Subject: Re: Are you up for it?

OF COURSE - can't believe you asked?

I just wrote another piece of music - wanna hear it? Click the link below ::


See ya soon - I'm coming - did my erstwhile mother tell ya?

(fucking aluminum pots, geeze?)

Learn it, Love it, Live it,

[-----Judi's Final Reply-----]

From: Judi Dupis
To: Sean White
Sent: Friday, March 28, 2003 7:50 AM
Subject : Re: Re: Are you up for it?

yippee yippee yippee!!!!!!!! When you say that you are coming do you mean Easter? if that's what that means I can't fucking believe it! That would be great! And -did you really write that music? That too is great! And- thank you in advance for Maine- if you're really coming at Easter we'll discuss everything then --yippee yippee yippee!!!!! J

Milton Berle isn't dead....he's my aunt.

Thursday, March 27

More New Music

This piece of music is something I wrote for Kurt, who is another living example of that superior variant of the human race which appears to be based in Atlanta.

[He promised me a Chik-A-Fil sandwich if I wrote him something....uh, waiting...]

Wednesday, March 26

Tech-ing Out

At times, I reflect in astonishment that I have been able to not only create but also to maintain a fairly functional web site for almost a year now all by myself - 'high tech fun' is not a way of life I espouse, exactly. I mean, I live for the day when I can install "clap on, clap off" technology in every corner of this house (....I think you have to be over 60...some bylaw...), and have my perky resident Geek Laureate attend to my every gadget need & whim.

So when either together or individually my ISP, or MSN, or FTP, or LAN, or FPC ('Fucking Personal Computer' - new one, pass it on...) start behaving unilaterally, my carefully cultivated chaudfroid evaporates instantaneously. Subsequent visions of impending wrangles with Blame-The-Victim Support Personnel further raise the blood pressure...perhaps GW would be wise to enlist some of Bill Gates finest - those trolls could wear anybody down. Worst of all, my usual panacea for Life's Problems (pot) is singularly unsuited to exorcising computer demons ( try re-installing a video card driver when you're fried some time. Actually - don't.)

So if you, like me, have had to deal with more than your fair share of tech terror recently, perhaps keeping these thoughts in mind will help ::

:: Understand that your Address Book is simply going through a phase - take a deep breath and tell yourself that, just as all 700 of your IM & email contacts from all regions of the planet suddenly disappeared, so shall they re-appear. Or so the biblical wannabe from MSN I fought with all yesterday would have it..

:: You have an operable stereo system - so who really needs a vast number mp3's/wma's/wav's, anyways? - well, fuck, I do - ever since I ripped everything I have to disk, and smugly dispensed with my CD collection altogether.

:: PC's have very few moving parts - so they hardly ever actually 'break' - Bullshit.

:: Customer Satisfaction is a priority of most ISP's, and, although they may not he able to attend to your little problem immediately, they WILL get to it eventually - Bullshit. For the record - how does one start a boycott, anyways?

:: No one will notice a few small glitches on your page - Uh huh. And I'm Maria Von Trapp.

:: There's always dial-up - Last time I checked, carrier pidgeons were faster ("you need to fly this jpeg to Donnie in DC immediately - lose it & you can kiss that bag of sunflower seeds goodbye, Tweety")

:: You can always simply re-install everything.... - Since I don't exactly recall installing everything in the first place, I'd rather not risk the aneurism, thank you very much.

:: You can always ask a friend to help... - They're all either in rehab or bad relationships or prison.

The last time I had a tech tantrum, I threw my cell phone into the Pacific Ocean....too bad this PC is so heavy.

Tuesday, March 25


It was bound to happen - the Peer Group cannot possibly, er, do all the things they do... and not expect to end up somewhat deformed in the process....

So I'm re-posting this for virtually everyone I know in real life. This is getting outta hand, you guys.


...well, to begin with, you probably can't clap your hands. Actually, there are a number of activities which you should completely avoid if you find yourself (heavens) in the midst of a chronic Tuesday sketch brought on by chronic weekend overindulgence. Ahem.

If you're a sketchy and you know it, don't ::

1. Describe yourself as 'user friendly'. People will think you are a slut.

2. Wander into the closest corner store, clutching several pounds of change, hoping to convert it all into bills without buying anything, thinking your teflon charm will have any effect on the severe Lebanese shopkeeper lady gargoyle. She's been there, done that, and read you.....sketchy.

3. Skip your daily skin-care regimen. This is the time when you need it most. That's what all those people are whispering - yes, they are whispering - about when you walk by - "look at those circles under his eyes!"

4. Talk on the phone a lot - conversations go on forever, but you forget how to end them.

5. Try to order a normal, un-titled cuppa coffee in a Starbucks. "With the MOST caffiene, please" is not a recognized Starbucks Coffee Selection.

6. Listen to folk music.

7. Lend your keys to anyone. Because, in actual fact, you didn't actually lend them, you just think you did, but everybody still has to drop everything to turn the entire place upside down in order to 'find' them. Luckily, someone spots the keys clutched in your left hand.

8. Try to add highlights to your friend's hair, even though you've never done it before. "It will be fun" isn't always a vaild rationale.

9. Try to figure out where all the money went. Chalk it up to petty theft, and blame it on one of your friends (I mean, honestly, what do you think they're doing right now?)

10. Be nice. It always comes off as fake.

11. Stay in public for extended periods. Something bad always happens.

12. Answer skill testing questions on the side of the cereal box ( you might not actually win that new Powder Puff Girls napsack)

I could go on I suppose - except I don't feel like typing anymore. It's aggravating....

Monday, March 24

Happy Birthday, Jennie!!!!

Gateau St.Honore, traditional French - er, make that Freedom B'Day Cake..

This is a lovely bit of Pomp by GF Handel to liven up the fesitvities. It's nominally a coronation anthem - but since you're Queen for a Day, I thought it apt.

So - how many bumps do you get?

And - more to the point - how many bumps do you want?

Sunday, March 23

Back To The Important Things....

Well, now that it's a foregone conclusion that the United States and it's Coalition of The Reluctant will complete their gang rape of Iraq in a number hours/days (mass protest vomitting notwithstanding), I think I can refocus on the things which actually count.

Let me share them with you ::

:: Nice Guys ::


It's all about the balance....

Friday, March 21

Music for The Devil

This is a piece of music for JP Satan.

All I've ever wanted was my own spot in hell, you see.

Thursday, March 20

Imaginary T-Shirt

Printed in white on a plain black, cotton T ::

"My Boyfriend Went To Iraq - And All He Brought Back For Me Were These 13 Billion Barrels Of Oil."

Hope you appreciate all the thought that just went into that....

Wednesday, March 19


These are just some of the pics... ::

With purple faux fur, you do whatever is necessary to make the FUCKING PANTS FIT.

With rookie showgirls, always tell them it's a great shot - EVEN IF YOU CAN'T SEE ANYONE'S FACE.

With rookie showgirls, there's the ever-present danger of BEING BLINDED BY FEATHERS.

With Big Gay Events, you realize that most of your ticket money HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE LIGHTING.

With a friend like Shelley, you realize, after a while, that she was BORN THIS WAY.

With a friend like Dale, you realize, that in his mind, he's ALWAYS ON CAMERA.

With a friend like Colin, you realize, very quickly, that 'sketchy' is a WAY OF LIFE.

Me, pot smoking on the terrace of some harbourside condo-palazzo right beneath downtown.... 900 SQUARE FEET OF TERRACE, that is..

Shane & Colin, deluding themselves that summer suddenly arrived over the weekend - just because SOME SNOW MELTED.

more to come...

Wednesday, March 12

Speaking of Recipes

I recently concocted a musical dish for this hunka beef ::

Taste it here, if you like...

Full Fat - all the way.

Tuesday, March 11

You Gotta Fight For Your Right.....

In an act of Emotional Defiance against the chemical inbalances in my brain which have been tormenting me recently, I'm hosting a room-wrecking, scene-stealing hoorah of a party this Friday evening at The Comfort Inn, room whatever ( ask the front desk for Sean), 16 Charles Street, Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

Festivities begin...when I'm done in the shower. International Guests are most welcome...but I won't sponsor you. Treats will be there...but I'd so like to meet your dealer instead. Photographs will be taken and posted by a bunch of freaks on K....so easy with the cover-up... and please do NOT wear loud, jarring patterns. Bloggers beware....few of my friends have even the remotest idea of what a blog is, and conversation which doesn't sparkle sparkle sparkle is anathema to the expected crowd. So let's save shop talk for the various & sundry commenting boards we all plunder - ok?

There's a special party at FLY later that night ( e-mail me for tickets, we'll arrange something) - so the room should be properly trashed (and vacated ) by 4 am. So, show up early - but not too early. If I know you - great; if not - even better.

Run, girl, run - before all the fun is gone.

Monday, March 10

The Jaws Of The Black Hound

Patient :: "But this Luvox....it doesn't work.."

Shrink :: "Well, it's supposed to - what else have you been doing?"

Patient :: "What's that supposed to mean?"

Shrink :: "That something's not right.....

Patient :: ".............no shit."

Infallible Therapist = A Fucking Nightmare.

Sunday, March 9

More, More, More.....How do ya like it, how do ya like it?

Well, now that I've got your attention ::

This tune is a ditty based on something I wrote some time ago for Jeff. If you listen real closely, you'll hear none other than Brad Pitt's voice sampled near the end.

NB - there's a free toaster oven for anyone who knows what or where the clip is from...I haven't the foggiest.

Friday, March 7

Mr.Trinity's Due

Jennie? Cigarellos for everyone...

Here, finally, is the first of three bits of music I've written for...well, you know...

Be gentle - but honest. And listen to it very loudly.

As if that needs saying.

Thursday, March 6

Food For Friends

This is a pic of Tarte Tatin, one of my favourite French deserts ::

Basically, you brown apples in gobs of butter in a heavy skillet, in which you have already carmelized prior gobs of sugar with a splash of cognac; then you lay some puff pastry/'short' pastry on top, and bake it in the oven for about an hour. When finished, you flip the whole thing onto your charming, rustic, Normandy-styled platter ( so that the DELICIOUS crusty part is now on the bottom) and serve with Creme Chantilly (whipped cream). Note :: don't even think about pulling phony culinary modesty with this one.

Omar & Jen?

You gotta try this.

Wednesday, March 5

Why I Can Sometimes Suck As A Boyfriend

Here are examples from my sordid past. Yes - this is relevant ::

:: Tendency to address & confront serious emotional issues via the phone. - "I know - 'cept it slipped my mind at the club when I saw you because that amazing song by Lithium came on, and, well, you know, everyone just kinda bugged out at that point - SORRY!!"

:: Episodic/Selective Amnesia. - "What? When? Last night? And they were actually expecting me? Oh, Honey, listen - you've got to understand something ....

:: Sartorial Insensitivity. - "Oh god, you're actually going to wear that. I thought you were kidding."

:: Fiscal Insensitivity. - "I need another $40....whaddya mean "why?"....oh, fuck-off & die, you're loaded for crying out loud!...

:: Obessive Compulsivity, combined with Glaring Lack of Tact - "Please have some gum. Your breath stinks".

:: Inability to Compromise - "NO."

:: Low Sexual Attention Span - "Fuck - all outta poppers - listen, let's take a break, ok?"

:: Low Attention Span, not otherwise specified - "Uh-huh - so, like, you were wrongly imprisoned... Hey!! Let's get some KFC!"

:: Tendency to Broadcast 'come hither' Vibes to General Public (male) - "Babe, I want you to meet...this guy standing here...his chest is just like yours..

:: Substance Abuse - "Well, duh...I was talking to the television, not you. And I want my baggies back."

:: Reliance on Emotional Terrorism - "Oh Look! There's my ex - I really want you to meet him, he knows all about you".

Time for a Personality Bypass, me thinks.

Tuesday, March 4

Writer's Block

I found this new way of posting - posting lite - at Jer's blog ::

Powered by audblog * me, mumbling *

[Freud claimed, apparently, that everyone loved the smell of their own shit, but not the sound of their own voice.....so what if he fudged his data?]

Saturday, March 1

The Best Blog

Since Bloggers - with a capital "B" - are due to wage war inter se with the announcement next week of The Bloggie Victors, I thought I'd add, in an act of rare self-conscious linking, my .02 worth, before the fracas.

That's .02 Canadian.

PK, who only posts when he feels like it, manages the best blog I've encountered, with alarming ease. At least, he makes it seem that way.

Fuck you, Zsa Zsa.