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Friday, January 31

And on the fifth day, God created...

a)...new clubs ("Comfort Zone" - open 24 hours straight, from 6am Sunday 'til 6am Monday, College & Spadina. Bullet-proof sportswear is de rigeur. Sounding a lot like a new home.)

b)...new drugs (got me some 'shrooms - weeeeeeee...)

c)...new addidas pants (well, 'vintage' actually - in a lovely muted orange. Gay men and their descriptions of colour, eh?)

d)...new guy (not that new - same one, in fact - and I bet everyone's a just little sick of all the coy innuendo...see how I get?)

Toronto has it's moments.

Thursday, January 30

Odd Job

This fella recently asked me to write some morning music for him...apparently, he has quite the time trying to get up & ready for the diurnal grind - especially after a hard night of waiting tables occupied by Non-Tipping Tightwads in Dockers from NJ who think "All You Can Eat" really means all you can eat - and he told me that, on occaision, he can't even find his way out of his bed....here, quel surprise, is a pic of that very bed (Ikea, of course)...

...it was, until recently, clad in entirely in Classic Burberry Plaid - but there was some flap about the world's supply disappearing, so he had to return, like, the 12,000 remaining bolts of fabric he had stashed in a vault in some scary shooting-gallery near the Castro...I don't know - it was all very confusing & hush-hush. Litigation was in the works - so I'm told. Whatever the case, the new bedding pictured above is from Pottery Barn.

Personally, I find it a little....precious.

Anyways :: YB - wake-up...your music is here.

Wednesday, January 29

"My Coffee Break Time"

Fabulous Deep House, To Soothe Your Soul, Right Now.

Tuesday, January 28

Couples I Can Learn From

Since it's looking like, outta nowhere, I'm about to trip (stumble over) the light fantastic Romance-wise with a certain someone, I though I'd reflect on the various Journeys of The Heart traversed by some of my favourite public love duos - with the hope that their combined example might yield some useful wisdom/do's & don'ts/survival tactics for me. Please keep in mind I have a terrible track record at this.

Here we go ::

:: Cagney & Lacey. Although not a romantic couple per se, this duo packed heat in a lot of other ways. Most importantly, they
demonstrated the importance of maintaining a balance between The Personal and The Professional. And if I'm reading them correctly, it all starts with deciding who gets to 'wear the pants' within the bond...oh wait - hold on for a sec - I forgot - they both wore the pants..(busted!). Nevermind,

:: Sigfried & Roy. Many friends have related to me their experience with the special, undefinable quality which having a pet lends a relationship..... a deeper sense of caring, the calming presence of another living being under one's roof....(uh - the only problem with the S & R plan, come to think of it, is that I can't exactly afford the houseboy which would be required to run all over the house after my Ocelots on a daily basis. Fuck.) Next,

:: Laura & George. These two serve not so much as role models, but more as cautionary figures in our troubled world.....Think very hard before you commit yourself, in a relationship, to someone with a room temperature IQ and a lotta clout. Seems like a bad combination. Moving on,

:: Britney & Justin. This aesthetically impaired dyad remind me that no matter how bad you think your relationship is, there are others, thank god, who are exponentially worse off than you. Let's linger here for a while - for the laughs - ok?

:: John Travolta & Joey Stefano. Not to sound like a prig, but these two thespians show us that..... there is no such thing as a safe secret. Upwards & Onwards,

:: Zsa Zsa & That So-called Prince. Hmmm. This interesting couple demonstrate - like no-one else - the importance of maintaining a level of Fiscal Prudence in a relationship, such that we have the resources neccessary to ensure that our Golden Years are cozy... (except, with all their money, why couldn't they have bought Princess ZZ a chaffeur so that she didn't have to drink & drive herself around Beverly Hills and into that telephone pole? And who goes shopping with their hairdresser for crying out loud?) Advance the slide, please...

:: Those Two Adorable Guys from The Movie My Beautiful Laundrette. Don't listen to what others have to say about your relationship. And have sex where & whenever you want to. Drool into each others' mouths. BTW - have you seen D.D.Lewis recently? Ugh. Moving on...

:: Sid & Nancy, Courtney & Kurt, Whitney & Bobby, Truman & Tennessee, Liz & All 8. This slighly accident-prone group demonstrate, through the combined tradegy of their experiences, the importance of ensuring at least a minimal amount of sobriety when having 'Heart-to-Heart's. Plus, you're only allowed so many calls from detox. Running to the bar...

:: Dolce & Gabbana. One of the best things about a relationship, is that you can immediately double your wardrobe - if and only if you play your cards right, and look for all the important qualities in a guy. These two have raised wardrobe enhancement into an art form - and a billion dollar enterprise. Let's hang out with them for a while - why, thanks Domenico!!!!

:: Oprah & Stedmann, Madonna & Guy, Yves SL & Pierre B. This bunch of control freaks and their playthings just go to show that there are tons of people out there just waiting to be ordered around. Somehow, I don't find this comforting at all. These couples remind me of really bad S&M. Hey you - coffee, NOW.


Uh - wish me luck, ok?...I'm gonna need it.

Monday, January 27

Happy Music for Unhappy People

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem ....unless, of course, you work behind the counter at Cliniquetm....they, uh, have a slighly different take on things.
Anyways - here's my contribution to Universal Harmony & Siblinghood, by way of a piece of music I wrote last night, after an evening of conflictual blogging. It's for everyone/anyone I pissed off yesterday.

"Everybody's a winn-..."
"There's no "I" in team-"...
"If you turn that frown upsidedown-"...

Oh, fuck it - let's all just have a good week, ok?

Sunday, January 26

Angry, Perchance?

Lord only knows in what house(s) the Sun and Moon are currently residing - but they're not where I wanna live. Feels like Beirut out there, children.

Remember, when the going gets tough, The Tough a) take meds or b) stay home until they decide to lighten up.

After all - Rome wasn't burnt in a day.

Saturday, January 25

Get Off The Fucking Dress

The World of Fashion & Accessories can do wonders for bouts of episodic depression ( you know - like when everything sucks with demonic intensity & spree killing suddenly becomes a viable option & you wanna upgrade to a newer, FOX TV version of your life?)

Below is a post from Supermodels Are Lonelier Than You Think, one of the funniest blogs on the net. It helped me, today ::

You could have asked yourself when flipping thru magazines why all the models have always clearly erected nipples when shot with tight or transparent shirts, while the women you see in the street are rarely that excited.

The answer is of course that the photographer asked them to appear so. After a few times, he doesn't have to, since the model knows by herself what is expected from her. Sometimes she would use ice, nonchalantly left in a glass on the table near her, as if ice cubes were a standard accessory in make-up; and sometimes she'll discretely use her hands.

Now, if she's not a model but a superstar, she isn't expected to do anything by her own hands, even not play with her breasts. Therefore the stylist assistant will oblige, generally without mentionning it, as if he/she is just arranging the outfit. The others - photographer, PR, fashion editor, assistants etc - will pretend not to notice what's going on. After a few minutes, he/she will have to play with the star's nipples again. Photo sessions are real downers.

Now, if she's not just any superstar but the one and unique Jennifer Lopez, she will have a professional nipple tweaker. In the pic above ....... you can see him at work (white shirt, the guy in the black sweatshirt is playing only with her hair). J.Lo then asked him to slide up his hand under her net T-shirt.

Dozens of bystanders in L.A. watch the star then performing for the camera till the effect slowly disappeared. The star then got another treatment, not forgeting to take a sip from her helper. The clip, by the way, is for a new album called "This is me... now". Yeah, tell me about it.

Glad Jennifer is so fucking happy.

Friday, January 24

Group Prayer For Disgruntled Bloggers

I don't generally post re: the non-art of blogging - like, why - but given the current, palpable "Lord Of The Flies" atmosphere out there, I thought I would offer this little incantation in the hope of facilitating some measure of reconciliation & goodwill among my fellow cyber-scribes.

(Plus, no-one reads me anymore - hits have been low....)

Here we go...so, in anticipation of receiving The Spirit & Her Entourage, kindly raise your keyboards towards heaven, and let us pray that She should grant/FTP us ::

:: The Ability to Get Over Ourselves.

:: The Strength To Find The Beauty Within. (If that doesn't work, then some of us could use a refresher on how to launch online insults with a little more panache. It's supposed to look effortless, everyone. All that panting, oh my god...)

:: The Grace To Forgive Coding Confusion (Remember, Being a Geek used to be extremely uncool)

:: The Life We Should Have, Offline (You'll find you have more to write about)

:: The Willing Suspension Of Disbelief (Don't believe barely half of what you read. For example, I'm actually a nun.)

:: The Power To Transcend (It's called the "Back" button)

:: The Faith To Carry On (For the users of Moveable Type. I think you all deserve a Bloggie.)


Now - Group Shrug....

Thursday, January 23

Simple Music for Complicated People

This is a new song, entitled White Dots, written expressly for Jennie. She indulges me, somewhat...I thought it time, therefore, to "pay it forward"...(that is what that means, isn't it?...no, sorry, I'm confusing that with "paying it back", another concept with which I'm largely unfamiliar. Dear God - I'm beginning to "share" again. $8,000 in therapy over the last six years, and all I've become is annoying.)

Told ya I'd do it.

Wednesday, January 22

"I want Modern yes, but not what Modern was, Post Modern. And not what Modern is, just sort of new. I want what Modern will be."

Here are unofficial stills of Glamnerd & Jackie Bigalow - you know, The Fishsticks, otherwise known as Debbie Harry's backup dancers - in the latest AB FAB romp, due to air in the US, sometime in February, on Comedy Central ::

Of the shoot, Glamnerd says ::

First and most important(wink, wink;})...I'm in it. Our scene was cut to bits and only about 1/4 of it remains (don't blink),but that was to be expected. I still have one line and I give a little attitude! As for the rest...its all about the Strand Bookstore scene if you ask me, so hilarious. there is also a great moment with Woopie Goldberg and the Lure scene is funny too. Debbie looks amazing and the entire episode is drenched with Blondie songs, she even sings the "Wheels on Fire" theme.

I won't tell any of the gags/jokes but all of us fell on the floor with laughter a few times.

I need to get me some cable - STAT

Tuesday, January 21


...is never having to ask, "Do you think I'm fat?"

Monday, January 20

The Miscellaneous Weekend

The Highs, The Lows, The Hills, The Valleys, The Usual....

Less is more in 2003 :: here are pics of our Sketch Sunday, during which we a) ate spaghetti a la carbonara a la Sean (= with smoked gruyere) and b) attempted to watch the Golden Gobules. Joan Rivers was actually funny this year (particularly that crack about lines on Whitney Houston's coffee table & the breast feeding bit.) Please note - all the people pictured below are currently engaged in terribly complicated, torrid relationships which drain the life spirit of those around them....in other words, if one of them catches your eye, feel free to write me - I'll fix something up.

Colin, our wonderful hostess. Everyone loves Colin ::

Christine, the birthday girl. That is not a cake she is blowing out - someone set fire to the cat ::

Quick!! Hide the crack - Sean's taking another fucking picture...::

Stella, star of the show, moving her head too quickly for me to focus on. Chihuahua's are a pain ::

Colin, attempting to dress Stella in her Shearling trimmmed Parka (I kid you not). Stella continues to vibrate beyond my camera's focussing ability ::

Stella, inert ::

Dale, who will be appearing on TV shortly in "Canadian Idol" (I kid you not). Dale is amazing ::

Shane & Megan. Shane is, well, Shane, and Megan is a) best girl to dance with at gay club and b) funniest person in the world when she's on a roll ::

Shane & Dale, washing dishes and engaging in some off camera foreplay. Megan's bitching about her boyfriend (who's not allowed in the apartment) ::

Colin. I don't think I was supposed to take this picture ::

Stella, in Colin's lap, saying goodbye to me this morning. Nice pants, Colin ::

Absent from the above, in more ways than one :: Omar.

And he is, like, one of those guys who's perfect......

Friday, January 17

"La diva di tutte le dive"

A Diva before that very title was accessible to just about anyone with Attitude & a few bad habits, Leontyne Price was the Lyric Soprano often described as possessing "That Silver Voice". Her career also holds historical significance by virtue of the many breakthroughs she made as the first major black female operian (that, however, is all I'm going to say about that, since I've been informed that I am neither smug nor provincial enough yet to intone on such matters. Remember your mission :: drugs, sex, gossip, drama, gay-gestalt)

Anyways, this is a short clip (Verdi; Aida) of a bad recording of an extraordinary voice. Perfect at the end of a turgid week with a joint, some chocolate and a dose of giddy anticipation for the highwire weekend to come.

"Me" time.

Thursday, January 16

Is it Me Me - or is it Meme?

Ah - the Triathalon of Blogging, the Meme list...the most recent - The Harper Sindex, 2003 - is sponsored by two of Les Grandes Dames of our shady little community - so it must be worth a shot. Opportunities like this don't just present themselves everyday, you know...

2003 :: So Far.

Number of old friends from Vancouver whom I had assumed were either dead or incarcerated that I stumbled into on New Year's :: 2

Number of times former-Vancouverites emphasized to newly introduced-Toronto contingent that everything They & I said about Canada's Western Lotus Land was to be believed - even if it defied plausibility :: incessant

Number of times former-Vancouverites asked me where to get crystal in Toronto :: incessant

Number of times I told them the truth in that regard :: 0

Number of people from whom I can, in fact, procure crystal in 2003 :: 3

Number of - - :: nevermind

Number of times I entertained the possibility of falling in love in 2003 :: 1. // And still entertaining, if you must know. Now - if
only someone would tell him on my behalf...

Number of times I entertained the possibility of falling in love in 2002:: -4

Number of times I've borrowed money in 2003 :: 0

Number of times I've received money, in an unsolicited fashion, via this web site, in 2003 :: 1.

Number of times I've seriously contemplated ditching this site altogether in 2003 :: 4

Because I was bored with it :: 3

Because of insidious, mean-spirited attacks by strangers who are unable to discern between "Campy Fun" & "Camping with tents" :: 1

Number of times I"ve been punched in the face at work (the 'real' job) this year :: 3

Number of times I've mentioned what either of my jobs are, this year :: 0

Possibility that I will mention them any further, here, this year :: 0. // Write me if you're that bored - but not if it should change your view of me as a person, a modern gay man, or, heaven forbid, a Blogger.

Number of nights I've been out clubbing, this year :: 7, I think.

Number of nights I could not decide if I was having fun or not :: 2 (before 03:00 hrs), 0 (anytime afterwards)

Number of times I actually could not find my shirt anywhere in the club, during the departure process :: 2

Number of times I became so distracted during departure process, that I ended up staying for another >2 hours :: 2

Number of times this year I've felt that sex was becoming dull, again :: Everytime.

Number of times I've thought this was because guys in Toronto are blocked as well as sensually challenged, and have no idea where vanilla ends & 'rough & real' begins :: Everytime.

Number of times I've contemplated running off to NY for a w/e, this year :: Everyday

Number of times I've contemplated running off to NY to live there again - which, in some ways, would be easy since a) I hold American citizenship and b) I have already lived there :: *** // Let's just say it's a 'theme' right now, that everyone here is sick of hearing about - ok?

Number of songs I've heard so far in 2003 that tell me that this is gonna be an intense year for dancing :: 5

Number of times I've reflected on the fact that Societies about to go to war often have the best Nightlife :: Ongoing. // Thoughts? Take Berlin, a la Cabaret, or Miami, during the Persian Gulf rough-up, for example.....

Number of times I've wondered what they're doing in Baghdad this weekend :: 7 // Hmmm, The Casbah, Sultan's Tent, El Dashiki.....oops - I forgot - it's a felony to even think about this publicly.

Number of days I've spent, in their entirety, reading, this year :: 3

Number of books I've read, in their entirety, this year :: 5

Number of times I've cooked for friends who can't (Rissotto a la Milanese, in fact - accompanied by a light mesclun salad, with roasted walnuts & chevre toast points, enrobed in a light lemon-olive oil emulsion. I'm deadly serious.), in 2003 :: 1

Number of times I intend to do this again, in 2003 :: As much as possible. // Cooking is the most fun.

Number of times, this year, Whitney actually made me gasp :: 3

Number of friends who've passed on last year :: 3

Number of friends who've passed on this year :: 0. Here's to hoping.

Wednesday, January 15


PIOUS (adj.), PIOUSNESS (noun)
4 a : marked by sham or hypocrisy
4 b : marked by self-conscious virtue.

- courtesy Merriam Webster -

The quality in Human Beings I detest more than any other.

Tuesday, January 14

When In Doubt - Repost.....

Before There Was Maude, There Was Dorothy....

Here's a fetching sketch of the century's bitchiest mal-vivant, Dorothy Parker ::

She spent much of her under-utilized time at this no-other-reason-to-be-famous hotel drinking and coming up with perfectly awful things to say about people. Kind of like blogging.

Anyways - here are some choice Parker Potshots (from various sources which are easily Googled) ::

"It's a small apartment, I've barely enough room to lay my hat
and a few friends."

"Take care of luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves."

"Are you Dorothy Parker?" a guest at a party inquired.
"Yes, do you mind?"

"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."

"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity."

Young Man: "I can't bear fools."
Dorothy: "Funny, your mother could."

"His body has gone to his head."

In 1925, Harold Ross was struggling to keep The New Yorker
magazine alive with a tiny, inexperienced staff and an
office with one typewriter. Running into Dorothy, Ross said,
"I thought you were coming into the office to write a piece
last week. What happened?"
Dorothy replied, "Somebody was using the pencil."

"Look at him, a rhinestone in the rough."

"Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses."

"The only ism Hollywood believes in is plagiarism."

"I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true."

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."

In the street once Dorothy approached a taxi.
"I'm engaged," the cabbie said.
"Then be happy," she told him.

"Sorrow is tranquility remembered in emotion"

And finally, her quote of quotes ::

"You can't teach an old dogma new tricks."

Thank God for the hyperbolically witty - they make posting so easy.


"Cracked-out?" I'll show you 'cracked-out', bucko....just listen to this - it's a remix of this song I wrote, the original of which was posted & linked on Dec.29, a few entries below. If you chose to listen, then listen with ample volume - for the full, uh, effect.

(Actually, JTB is one of my favorite cyber acquaintences - why, only last week we were just giggling about that time we were in rehab together and had swiped some Acetone to huff, when this nurse caught us..and well, anyways...we both looked at each other..and then J. suddenly said "Junkies - Interrupted". Hysterical!! Lord - we must have kiki'd ouselves all the way to solitary confinement - those certainly were the days, yes, indeed..).

Any rumours of my imminent demise are greatly under - exaggerated.

Monday, January 13

Role Models for The Daughters of The Right Wing

Hey - put down your Mannifesto for a second and take a look at this. It's the new Arianna Huffington "Get Out the Way, Bitch" Barbie

Thank God I remembered to Simonize my hair!!!

- we all know, of course, that Arianna changed her - sorry - had her stripes re-done some time ago..but now, it seems, she's out to distort minds even less developed than her own.

Fortunately, some mothers never forget....

Perhaps some cunning pundits could whip up a Rev. Al Sharpton Civil Disobedience Action Figure - you know, in the interests of fair & equal play-time in sandboxes across the nation.

Sunday, January 12

Ultra Nate Flashback

Is This Love?
I Found A Cure
I Don't Understand It

I remember when I first heard Free. This was a time when, among other things, many friends were on the verge of dying, or had already perished. And here was this gutsy little woman, with the off-key-but-very-on-key-voice familiar from the much earlier Scandal, suddenly hitting us with a series of tough-but-funky questions. It wasn't Yeats - but for house music, a bit beyond the norm ::

where did we go wrong
where did we lose our faith
my brother is in need
but can he depend on me
do you think if one of you tried
maybe you could find
a better friend than any other
if you gave more than you took
life could be so good
come on and try
now's the time

'cause you're free
to do what you want to do
you've got to live your life
do what you want to do

Whenever I listen to favorite old CD's, I get flashbacks like these.

Every now & then.

Saturday, January 11

Look - Another Inane Thing To Do With Your New Digital Camera, Jennie

Oh this is much more fun than some "100 Deep Thoughts by 100 Shallow Bloggers with Delusions of Grandeur" project...(uh, yeah, ok - I know I did that one - but, luckily, that project self-imploded)...so, anyways, what you do is to take a pic of your fridge, and post it, and link it. Here's mine ::

Ha. Everyone thinks I suffer from anorexia...no way - it's definitely bulimia for me, darling - I mean, you still get to eat for chrissakes!!

Yeah, so what if I like my condiments - who died and made you Julia Child?

Friday, January 10

Beyond Broke

Why + How + When.....did I become so lacking in funds, all of a sudden?

I have been so resoundingly broke recently that I ::

:: will likely sell you - for a price, any price - anything I own...and if you buy my sister, I'll even throw in a cage.

:: won't dare accompany friends into most stores, for fear of not being able to afford the air therein.

:: will sell affection to whomever - e.g. hugs, episodes of hand holding, and admiring pats to the rump. I need smokes.

:: thought of launching a PayPal sob-story campaign - but this here bandwidth has been jacked as it is, and I really don't wanna push it, and, unlike most such participants, haven't been able to invent a bank-able reason yet (unfortunately - I have a job and a place to live).

:: would ask either my Bubby or my Nana for money - 'cept, geeze, they're both dead.

:: have lowered my rate to - wait, my therapist said not to go there in a public forum.

:: cannot afford to go to work. Thank about that for a second.

:: attempted to swipe table tips from some culturally malignant karaoke bar down the street a few days ago. Waitress/MC/Teleprompter Sheila Kwoc was not amused.

:: attempted a Dine & Dash at MacDonalds's. N-o-t p-o-s-s-i-b-l-e.

:: myseriously misplaced my phone bill; accidently sent the wrong, unsigned cheque to the cable company; suffered a stroke which rendered me temporarily unable to pay the electricity bill; and categorically denied (with strident threats to litigate) my 14 alledged magazine subscriptions.

:: am advising friends with cute, purebred minidogs to keep their pets away from me, lest I a) kill them for their food or b) a
abduct them for profit into the Canine Slavery Trade. Pugs are like bearer-bonds these days.

I never thought I'd actually have to become an Avon Lady...

Thursday, January 9


1. Hey Mr. Postman.

I get this ad emailed to me about twice a day:

Either I've been a) inadvertently partying with the Postmaster General or b) one of you guys really likes me. I'm more inclined to lean towards the former.

2. Postess with the Mostess.

The Alpha-Blogger's posting con brio again...Thank God - would have been such a shame to see a perfectly good Yale education go to waste.

3. How Did Tim Blanks Get His Job?

This amusing spoof is lifted from Textism. If you ever watch, gawk and wonder how those vapid creatures on FASHION FILE work a lifestyle into a paycheck, you'll like this::

Haute Couture Lapdog:: 21 MAY 01

(A hypothetical scene in which Tim Blanks, host of Fashion File and Contributing Editor, Toronto Life Fashion magazine, is asked for directions.)

LOST PEDESTRIAN: Excuse me, can you tell me where Carlos Place is?

TIM BLANKS: Spring means freshness, and this year is no exception as London's hottest floral landscapers converged to add sexy new life to the boulevard to your left, down past cheeky bus stops whose industrial roughness takes a bright new turn this season with bold colour statements flecked with street-smart graffiti accents. Add a sharp right turn, and you get where you're going with smart, sexy, ready-to-wear grace and élan, with a hint of the big-shouldered '80s.

I mean, he really gets paid to speak like that. Write me if you know who you're supposed to fuck in Human Resources.

Where's there's a will - there's an opening.

Wednesday, January 8

Lord, I have the E-blues today and now I wanna ::

- get a boyfriend.
- move to a gritty, darkly glamorous city. Or Glasgow.
- buy minimalist furniture.
- listen to Portishead non-stop. No, sorry - that was during my Body & Soul phase a few years ago (I actually used to fly into NYC just for that pleasure). No - more like The Herbaliser or Nina Simone or Radio Magnetic.
- expound on the geo-political issues of the day, without really having to know what the hell is actually going on. Bomb Iraq, fry Korea - who really gives a shit?
- read Rohinton Mistry, bit by bit. Size counts when we're talking 800+ pages.
- finish my last point of down...as if - just seeing if you're paying attention.
- crawl into my computer and geek out.
- re-invent myself.
- surf the Motherboards all day long.
- write music, commissioned and otherwise, all day long.
- avoid the determinedly happy, preternaturally perky, and unashamedly goal-oriented. God, where do these types come from?

Pass the green tea, would ya?

Tuesday, January 7


Since I haven't exactly been a peach over the last while, I am not surprised that the Higher Power decided to wreak revenge upon my tainted soul by placing a small, revolting rodent (mouse, we're hoping) in MY BEDROOM.

I was surprised to learn of this terrifying addition to my living situation whilst attempting, last night, to take a series of boudoir-esque self-pics for an admirer/financial-backer with my new digi-cam...the 'auto-shoot" captured, from the first moment of detection, my growing, horrified realization that there was a form of vermin beneath my bed. I think the results are pretty funny - see for yourself ::

Is that...

Oh my god...

I'm gonna vomit...

Picture taking ended, suddenly, at this point, as my subsequent rapid escape-leap up and onto my bed, caused the camera to bounce off the bed and onto the floor - where, I momentarily feared, it would be devoured by the vicious rodent. But that didn't happen; and my new favourite gadget remained intact.

I really need a Panic Room.

Monday, January 6

The Blahggies

Try pawning one.

Here's this idea I had for Other Blogs About Other People :: The Blahggies. It would award Blogs ( 'Blahgs'?) which;

a) do not have wishlists.
b) do not have mascots.
c) do not have flags.
c) do not have polls.
d) do not reflexively echo the views of mainstream press organs such as The Advocate, Time, Oprah, The Christian Science Monitor, or This Week In The WWF. An Official Exception is made for Dutch and Popbitch.
e) do not link compulsively to author's men's group buddies or others who are alledgedly fascinating but about whom you could really care less.
f) do not resort to sophomoric 'in-jokes' when said author has run out of things to say.
g) do not feature writing about writing. I got my education, ok?
h) utilize spellcheck.
i) do not conduct self-therapy online - especially via parasitical "mood" indicators. Full descriptions of messy nervous breakdowns are excepted, especially if accompanied by interesting pics of stand-offs with Crisis Response Teams.
j) attempt to be interesting rather than accurate -
k) and succeed at it.
l) are authored by people with whom you'd have dinner or sex or a smoke.
m) are devoid of animated GIF's, minor holiday gestures excepted.
n) avoid tawdry drama for the sake of hits.
n) which are, like, finished.

The winner would not be announced to anyone - but they'd get to load some special theme song ("Fantasy Island - Velachez Remix") on their flash page. Maybe not.
In the meantime, I did make a number of nominations for this ( J., J., & J., ) since it's the only game in town, and, well, I love a parade.

I guess we all have an Inner Sally Fields, eh?

Sunday, January 5

Yeah, well

....we sorta overdid it, and I just got back from TO today - 5 days isn't a record or anything for me, but there was tons of drama, which, for the benefit of the guilty, I will not detail in this post. I'll play 'Word Association" instead....

I'll suggest a word - and I'll offer the first response that pops into my head ::

Lines = Yes, of course, everywhere...oh, sorry - you meant "lines", as in 'to get into clubs'. Yes, of course, everywhere - VIP passes failed to materialize, but ticket holders also got fucked over this year, and everybody had to wait. So much for Toronto's reputation for World's 2nd Most Organized City after Geneva.

Glamour = Hmmm. Ok - I looked pretty good on Night 1; on Night 2 - merely an extension of Night 1, really - I was charmingly scruffy; on Night 3, you could tell which of the four drugs I was on from a distance of ten feet, so I only connected with the equally affected; on Night 4, the security bozo's at The Barn followed me everywhere, including to watch how much money I was withdrawing from the onsite ATM....I guess they were wondering why anyone would need $150.00 in a bar that had stopped sellihg liquor 3 hours previously.

Giggles/Fun = Several responses...Colin & I on K at The Barn, trying to dance & function. Sort of like a Special Needs Cirque du Soliel. Jimmy, the Gay Columbian Collagen Enhanced Gym Bunny, performing his favourite cheerleading routine, which terminated suddenly with an unplanned (and near fatal) leap into the bathroom door. Attempting to train Joseph to be more a of a Bitch (hopeless, totally hopeless - he's gonna get eaten alive). Nearly freezing to death outside with those 6 guys from Detroit. Terrorizing this useless fuck, named Scott, by screaming at him unintelligibly over the phone, at random intervals, over a 72 hour interval. Dishing with the ever elegant LaVonda (drag queen du jour) - and finding out that this other drag queen friend - Vivian von Brokenhymen - from Vancouver had moved to Toronto.

Money = Gone, gone, gone.

Tommorrow will be a day of recovery. I hope the dialysis doesn't hurt.