...I know, it's serious. Actually, it's probably karma - for slugging that cop.
"Here - I slipped some bubbly past that attack-trained nurse for you - I mean, I know you can't live without - it's wrapped up in that grey chinchilla cape on the chair beside your bed. God - what a nightmare trying to sneak out of your Bel Air place (uh, nice!), anyways, the cape was in the 8th closet to the left of a shoe vault in some Louis Forever dressing room - you know, where your twin Ocelots sleep all day? Oh Right! I forgot - you can't respond!...well, it'll be here when you wake-up, sweetie..
Oh, and look - you already have your diamonds on.."
Prayers for you, dahlink.
Thursday, November 28
I just saw Almodovar's Talk To Her. This is a film you should see, like, today. Of course, there is, comme d'habitude, the usual assortment of damaged women & strangely sexy men & Wallpaper-esque decors to be found in all his work - except this time, those elements subordinate themselves in support of a clear-eyed, sober story about the friendship between 2 men and the women they love in different ways. Which will leave you shaken and stirred, if you're still in possession of a soul.
Trust me...it's extraordinary.
Wednesday, November 27
I had the great pleasure of joining my dear, sweet, hysterical niece and her kindergarten class on their weekly skating excursion at the local rink this morning. Picture 20 squealing, squirming, utterly delighted 5 & under's having a balance-less, crash-derby free for all. Picture Uncle Sean doing his best Michelle Kwan imitation. Please do not picture what happened directly after that.
Skating imitating Life again.
Tuesday, November 26
Vidal Sassoon's Worst Nightmare
For a fun holiday prank, refer your stylist to this site, and tell him you want a Whole New You, in the form of a Mullet. When he comes to, just make sure to let him know you were only joking, joking!!
Here's an informative bit from the site;
* A mullet is a hairstyle which is popularly described as "Short on top, Long in the back".
* Common names for the mullet include (but are not limited to) : The Ape Drape. The Tennessee Waterfall. The 10/90 (the proportion of hair in front to hair in back). The Mud Flap. 7 (shape of the #) The Long Island Ice Teased. Business on Top-Party Out Back. Achy-Breaky-Big Mistakey. Yep-Nope. (Please don't e-mull me more names for mullets)
* The term Mullet(hair context obviously) traces back to the 1967 prison film Cool Hand Luke, starring Paul Newman and George Kennedy, in which Kennedy's character refers to Southern men with long hair as "Mullet Heads."
-What is a mullethunter
* Mullestache: A molester style mustache worn by MOST mullets. (And cops)
* Mullderline: (Advanced term) That in-between stage in the development of the mullet.
* Mullshit: (Advanced term)cWhen it's clearly NOT a mullet. Example: Yer hangin' out at Del Taco and and yer friend says, "Look at that mull" and it's obviously not a mullet. You can now respond, "That's Mullshit".uff
* When there is a mullet title with a "ullet" attached to the end, pronounce it "YOU LETT". For example, "Flattopullet" would be pronounced as flat top you let. (As in life, there are exceptions to the rule. Figure them out.).
And guess what...If you combine a Mullet with a perm - you get a Hasselhoff.
Now there's a look...
Because I won't put up with homophobic bullshit, no matter where or what the source is.
Because I fight back.
Because I've learned, in the hardest possible way, why it is imperative that you fight back.
Because not all thoughts are created equal.
Because I am not some closet case's Sissy Boy Experience.
Everything about this amazing band seemed to have been designed for the exclusive delight of non-troll gay men. Consider the fact that -
:: the music was highly danceable, even when you were blitzed.
:: the band members looked like supermodels you could go as on Halloween.
:: the lush campy videos were epic & funny & erotic & bitchy at the same time, a major recurrent theme being the complete objectification of the (buff) male body. I mean - how gay is that?
:: the clothes were great...ok, well, no - they were downright awful - but this was the 80's, everyone looked retarded. BNR made you forget that for a brief while.
:: the legends re: the parties re: the catfights re: the drugs re: the lawsuits were legion.
:: the songs had great titles - e.g., "Venus (Penis)" & "I Heard A Rumour (I Have A Tumour)".
If Bananarama had one central message, perhaps it was that basically, at the end of the day, all things being equal....we're all pink on the inside.
Friday, November 22
Apparently, I now live in a new house with new roommates.
I haven't double-snapped in years.
Thursday, November 21
Tuesday, November 19
IF YOU'RE SKETCHY AND YOU KNOW IT....
...well, to begin with, you probably can't clap your hands. Actually, there are a number of activities which you should completely avoid if you find yourself (heavens) in the midst of a chronic Tuesday sketch brought on by chronic weekend overindulgence. Ahem.
If you're a sketchy and you know it, don't ::
1. Describe yourself as 'user friendly'. People will think you are a slut.
2. Wander into the closest corner store, clutching several pounds of change, hoping to convert it all into bills without buying anything, thinking your teflon charm will have any effect on the severe Lebanese shopkeeper lady gargoyle. She's been there, done that, and read you.....sketchy.
3. Skip your daily skin-care regimen. This is the time when you need it most. That's what all those people are whispering - yes, they are whispering - about when you walk by - "look at those circles under his eyes!"
4. Talk on the phone a lot - conversations go on forever, but you forget how to end them.
5. Try to order a normal, un-titled cuppa coffee in a Starbucks. "With the MOST caffiene, please" is not a recognized Starbucks Coffee Selection.
6. Listen to folk music.
7. Lend your keys to anyone. Because, in actual fact, you didn't actually lend them, you just think you did, but everybody still has to drop everything to turn the entire place upside down in order to 'find' them. Luckily, someone spots the keys clutched in your left hand.
8. Try to add highlights to your friend's hair, even though you've never done it before. "It will be fun" isn't always a vaild rationale.
9. Try to figure out where all the money went. Chalk it up to petty theft, and blame it on one of your friends (I mean, honestly, what do you think they're doing right now?)
10. Be nice. It always comes off as fake.
11. Stay in public for extended periods. Something bad always happens.
12. Answer skill testing questions on the side of the cereal box ( you might not actually win that new Powder Puff Girls napsack)
I could go on I suppose - except I don't feel like typing anymore. It's aggravating.
Friday, November 15
I just had to post this, even though I'm not at home & in no shape to be in front of someone else's computer. What a scream...
Lithuania selects Miss Captivity
A 24-year-old woman has won what has been billed as the world's first prison beauty pageant.
Miss Captivity aimed to select Lithuania's most attractive woman currently serving jail time.
The woman has not been named, but uses the pseudonym Samanta.
She held back tears as she addressed a national TV audience and said it was the best day of her life.
She accepted the Miss Captivity crown inside the Panevezys Penal Labour Colony, refusing to say why she'd been sentenced to jail.
Asked by reporters what she'd most like to do now that she's won the unusual event, she said, "I'd like to get out of prison right now."
The high-security facility holds nearly 500 inmates, including convicted murderers. It's in the city of Panevezys, north of Vilnius.
Miss Captivity 2002 fought off challenges from seven other finalists, selected from 38 applicants. The final included a swimsuit competition where inmates appeared in black-leather with matching knee-high boots.
Television producer Arunas Valinskas organised the contest with prison officials, saying he wanted to "attempt to find beauty where you might think there is none."
Valinskas says he's received several inquiries about staging a worldwide Miss Captivity contest.
Hmmm, I smell a mini-series..."Doin' Time in a Tiara"...
Thursday, November 14
So, this morning I am getting ready for a weekend debacle of debauchery in the city, when my little lambchop of a niece drops by for a quick visit before kindergarten. As I come downstairs, she meets me half-way, affixes me with this dead serious stare, and says, solemnly;
"In your face from outer space"
I wanna be that cool when I grow up.
Wednesday, November 13
What Becomes a Legend Least
Here's a pic of that regrettable 80's icon & Boy Scout Troupe Leader lust object, Chris Atkins, which I discovered while trolling for crud on the net..
"One of my favorite stories is my first kissing scene with Linda Gray. She had gotten some Procaine or something from a dentist, which is numbing. She put it all over her lips and, after the scene, she said, "Chris, that was such a great kiss! It was so wonderful! You're such a great kisser!" She went on and on, and everybody was standing around, and I was standing there feeling pretty good. Next thing I know my lips just went absolutely numb, and drool was coming down my face! I said, "What did you do to me?" And they all laughed and laughed! So, I used the Procaine and I ran to Priscilla Presley and gave her a big kiss. The next thing you know she took it from me and kissed Patrick Duffy! They were always playing practical jokes on that set, always!!!
Procaine?.........Ah. The telltale signs of Coke Head Humour.
But, boy - what a dumb surfer.
Monday, November 11
Hurray for the Holidays
Actually, it should probably read "My Undying Hatred for The Holidays"....... but, according to recent correspondence, it's enough with the Heavy Shmeavy. Right?
[Sorry - I had no idea I'd been standing in the shallow end all this time...]
Anyways, moving right along....today's episode of Make Everybody Laugh has to do with what I would like for Hannukah AND Christmas. Although I am nominally Jewish, we have always celebrated Christmas as well as Hannukah because my mother gets a kick out of out-Wasping the Wasps. Sort of like playing Eva Braun for a day (plus, it gives her a project on which to focus her formidable shopping skills. Lucky me)
For the rest of use guys, here's what's kickin' round my head...
1. CASH :: Normally, Hannukah Geld takes care of this nicely, except this time my requirements have increased somewhat, what with all that messy Bail & Bond business earlier this year. Then, maybe my sister could get her house back (thank you!).
2. A DEVELOPMENTALLY DELAYED SAKS PERSONAL SHOPPER (attn: Winona) :: "I paid already" "you did?" "Well, duh - why do you think i'm wearing this shit right out of the store?" "gee - i never thought of it that way" "Exactly. Now, as soon as you decide to stop drooling, I'd like 10 of those I.O.C. t-shirts gift wrapped & sent here. And don't you DARE bother me again about paying." "but everyone has to pay!!" "For the last time - I'm the President and I never have to pay" "Oh, right sir, sorry - please don't get me fired".
3. FRENCH ANTI-WRINKLE CREAM THAT ACTUALLY WORKS :: I think I've been really really patient with various products that promise to erase the signs of aging - by, like, channeling gamma rays from Pluto directly to your eye bags - but don't. Maybe it's me, but Shortening-On-Face is not now, nor will ever in all likelyhood gain acceptance as a 'good look'. I want a product that will overhaul my skin to the degree that I no longer feel the need to lower the lights when entering a room and lie to everyone about being 'highly photosensitive'.
4. NEW NEIGHBOURS :: Anyone would be an improvement over the Drinks-Ahoy mob who continually enter my house uninvited on weekends. Or, as an alternative, you could just buy them a trailer in Arkansas.
5. COFFEE, IN I.V. FORM :: Since I just cannot walk around snorting speed in public, coffee on a drip (get it?) seems to me like the next best thing. Just ensure the bag is opaque, please... otherwise, people might think i've got a colostomy (wink, JTB).
6. THE "CHIT CHAT FOR DUMMIES" BOOK :: Well, what? I mean, I wouldn't want to talk to me at a party.
7. SEBASTIAN LEGER:: Like, if you could actually own a dj.
8. ONE OF THOSE HUGE WOLFF RANGES :: Now that Martha is going to be focussing on accenting cell-block H instead of her TV show, I'll simply have to manufacture domestic fantasies all by myself, instead of vicariously through Ms. Stewart. Imagine all the bombes & meringues my imaginary friends will recieve! "Here gang - more paella!!"
9. TICKETS TO THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT :: I only ask this because my Aunt has a house in Kennebunkport, Maine, and has met G. Bush Sr. on several occaisions, and he was all nice, and said they could take it as a given that they were invited to the Bush's next big shindig...apparently, the lobster's fabulous - I mean marvelous...
Give til it hurts, ok?
Sunday, November 10
You're crossing a street in the town where you live, and you've just picked up a bag of those odd, square, loaded burgers from Wendy's for a bunch of waiting friends whom you could never describe but, at the same time, never live without (especially on a cold & rainy Sunday evening), and a new clean white mini-SUV, of the sort particularly favoured by the middle of the middle class, slows as it passes close by you, when a flushed, startlingly good-looking teen jock half opens a rear door, pivots directly towards you and screams, with voluble & concentrated rage,
"Die, you fucking homo shit"
Remembering, at once, all the other times, since age 13, that this has happened, you ensure that you are still walking at the same general pace, in the same general direction, with the same general dignity. A short time afterwards, the friends finally receive their mis-ordered combos, as well as a diluted, jaded, racey account your random brush with hillbilly homophobia. You place particular descriptive emphasis on the shoulder width of your hate-source, and inwardly, you wonder why you do this.
And you recall - as you have counselled hundreds of others, for years - that, like it or not, you Come Out every day of your life.
Friday, November 8
Sam, my alluring & mysterious cyber pal, just sent me this;
PageSix.com: Page Six: BEALZUL-BIRD! DOES this Thanksgiving turkey look like the face of evil to you? Several readers of Gourmet magazine have e-mailed the foodie mag to complain that this beautiful bird looks like a horned "devil's face," says our source. "It came up in an editorial meeting on Wednesday," according to our spy. "They were talking about printing some of the e-mails in the next issue." But a Gourmet spokesgal gobbled that the magazine has no plans to address the fiendish photo in future issues.
I'm not surprised.......ever attempt any recipes from Gourmet?
Please be advised that above account has been placed under administrative supervision per: owner's written instructions that he wishes a restrictive annuity schedule - "don't let me spend a single fucking cent if I'm broke on payday and it's not on this list I wrote here on this napkin" - commenced henceforth, should his account effectively read less than $40.00 CAN up to and including date of pay (second Thursday, bi-monthly). The following may be taken as non-disbursement items, above and beyond any other modifications submitted by account holder (see aggreement #34tryw89).
Non-allowable items include, and are not restricted to:
:: Any shoes, particularly by produced for retail companies known as "Swear" & "Royal". Account holder was particularly adamant that he be restricted from disbursement for "ginchy grey Royals".
:: Any form or quantity of Chocolate ( please see memo, dated 3/9/02 re: litigation proceedings vis-a-vis La Maison Du Chocolate).
:: Any item(s) held in inventory or special order from the following establishments: Amazon.com, Chapters Ltd., Indigo Inc., Williams Sonoma Inc., Dean & Deluca Inc., Oswald Boatang Llc., La Prairie ltd.,
:: Any retail magazine/journal and CD/DVD product available for purchase from HMV Ltd., Tower Records Inc., or Virgin Ltd.,
:: Any items purchased/bartered from/for at establishments henceforth referred to as "funky vintage stores" .
:: Any transactions with person referred to as "Claude The Clamp". This individual has a controlling interest in an unregistered import/export business, to which account holder maintains substantial liabilities.
:: Any requests, submitted past business hours for cash disbursements variously described as "cab fare", "funny money", "coffee money", "cigarette money", "phone money", "it's my fucking money, honey". Please note - account officers have been pre-authorized to refer unresolved issues which may arise from this section to Merrill Lynch Security.
Excuse me - but have you all lost your collective minds?
Home Depot doesn't even sell fall-out shelters anymore.
Tuesday, November 5
"Oh, HI - is this Mr. Mottola? Here's a new, perkier mix ofFluffthat song I wrote & posted a few days ago.....yeah, well, I was on a lot of medication.....be patient, kind of a BIG file......Mariah? Mariah Scarey? Hmmm....Last time I saw her she was feeding pidgeons in a park somewhere downtown - without any clothes on. Ah, that is just so sweet that you feel guilty. Everyone thinks you're an asshole"
Look, a boy can dream, right?
Monday, November 4
How did everyone become so bloody fabulous all of a sudden? Read any blog, evesdrop any conversation, tap any phone call - and you're likely to find the participants defining themselves through varying degrees of fabulousity. Every drink, every friend, every play, every apartment, every miniature dog, every work-out, every lesbian, every shopping moment, every DJ, every insulting retort... (breathe)...is totally fabulous, as long as you say it's so. And nary a doubter would be, because no-one wants to kill the awe.
Recently, I've been attempting to ween myself from use of the word fabu - because it's completely idiotic - but am finding it difficult. The Peer Group wants dishy, not dreary - and I want A Peer Group.
This is so what happens when I write music while on medication.
Saturday, November 2
Sucks To be Me
Of Course I have to come down with some type of virulent asian flu (Tibetan? Laotian? Guamish?) the very same day as our inaugural snow squall of the season - thus preventing me from joining in all our jolly neighbourhood snowball & snowman-making hijinks........wait, I never do that.
Of Course I have to run out of two absolute necessities,
Of Course Mother didn't appreciate the nifty airbrush work I tactfully applied to some of her photos of a recent trip to Ottawa. I mean, she is the one who had the power surge re: wrinkles & her impending infirmity & her supposedly callous offspring.
Of Course I was unable to view Fassbinder's latest opus, because somehow I managed to have relinquished complete control of my computer to B. Gates & his MicroCock.
Of Course this bug has coloured me hideous & troll-like,
which rules out any public excursions, whatsoever.
Of Course I know this is probably bad karma, which I sow & reap with frightening regularity.
If that's so - I want know how to get my sinuses to repent.