Kubsie's Korner
Math Jokes & Quotes

Some of these jokes are funny and some of them are not...enjoy!

A Mathematician, a biologist, and a physicist are sitting in a street café watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. After a while they notice three people coming out of the house. The physicist says, “The measurement wasn’t accurate.” The biologist concludes, “They have reproduced.” The mathematician says, “Now if another person enters the house it’ll be empty again!”

Arithmetic is where you have to multiply. And you carry the multiplication table in your head and hope you won’t lose it.
Carl Sandburg

I dated a girl in high school who was sweet as pi, but she sure was irrational!

Arithmetic is numbers you squeeze from your head to your hand to your pencil to your paper ‘til you get the answer.
Carl Sandburg

If you ask your mother for one fried egg for breakfast and she gives you two fried eggs and you eat both of them, who is better at arithmetic, you or your mother?
Carl Sandburg

As an experiment an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food but no can opener. A day later the rooms are opened one by one. In the first room the engineer is snoring with a battered, opened, and emptied can. When asked he explains that when he got hungry he beat the can to its failure point. In the second room the physicist is seen mouthing equations with a can popped open beside him. When asked he explains that when he got hungry he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and ‘pop’! In the third room the mathematician is found sweating and mumbling to himself, “Assume the can is open, assume the can is open…"

The lottery is just a tax on people who are bad at math.

Love and you shall be loved. All love is mathematically just, as much as the two sides of an algebraic equation.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Latest Terrorist News

Apparently a teacher has been arrested in the UK in possession of compasses, a protractor, and a straight edge. It is claimed that he is a member of the Al Gebra movement bearing weapons of math instruction.

Sex is the mathematic urge sublimated.
M.C. Reed

From the intrinstic evidence of his creation, the Great Architect of the Universe now begins to appear as a pure mathematician.
James Jeans

Mathematics may be compared to a mill of exquisite workmanship which grinds your stuff to any degree of fineness; but, nevertheless, what you get out depends on what you put in.
Thomas Henry Huxley

The Truth About Barney!

Start with the given	CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
Change the U's to V's (as in Latin)	CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
Extract the Roman Numerals	C V V L D I V
Convert Roman into Numbers	100,5,5,50,500,1,5
Add the numbers together	666

Well, here it is: that time they told us about in high school when algebra would save our lives.
Val Kilmer (as Gallagher in Red Planet)

I found some numbers that support your strategic plan. I had to take the square root of a negative number to do it. The time line is on this mobius strip.
Dilbert

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Calculus.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel while attending a technical seminar. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire. He fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire and goes back to bed. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Steven Wright

It was ancient Egyptians who first figured out that numbers could, if you added and subtracted them, be used for mathematics; this made it possible, for the first time, to build the pyramids as well as keep score in bowling.
Dave Barry

Proof is left as an exercise for the marker

A Limerick

Integral z-squared dz
from 1 to the cube root of 3
times the cosine
of three pi over 9
equals log of the cube root of 'e'

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can’t.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
P. Erdos

Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Philippe Schnoebelen

When I was young in Poland I met the great mathematician Waclaw Sierpinski. He was old already then and rather absent-minded. Once he had to move to a new place for some reason. His wife didn't trust him very much, so when they stood down on the street with all their things, she said, "Now, you stand here and watch our ten trunks, while I go and get a taxi." She left and left him there, eyes somewhat glazed and humming absently.

Some minutes later she returned, presumably having called for a taxi. Says Mr Sierpinski, "I thought you said there were ten trunks, but I've only counted to nine". "No, there are TEN!" "No, count them: 0, 1, 2, ..." Kai-Mikael, Royal Institute of Technology, Stockholm, Sweden

There are lies, there are damned lies, and then there are statistics.
Sam Clement (Mark Twain)

Energy equals milk chocolate square
Naoto Kimura, Cal State-Northridge

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.

As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841...

For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong.
H. L. Mencken

Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9." The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean -- 'the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?'" Peter said, "Don't worry, guys. It's just another one of his parabolas."

Newton also invented calculus, which is defined as "the branch of mathematics that is so scary it causes everybody to stop studying mathematics." That's the whole POINT of calculus. At colleges and universities, on the first day of calculus class, the professors go to the board and write huge incomprehensible "equations" that they make up right on the spot, knowing that this will cause all the students to drop the course and never return to the mathematics building again. This frees the professors to spend the rest of the semester playing cards and regaling each other with hilarious stories about the "mathematical symbols" they've invented over the years.
Dave Barry

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who can read binary and those who can't.

Modula Modula Modula-3
How much fun can a Modula be?
Contracts and Larch traits, hmm, let me think, gee...
I guess I would rather drive into a tree

Or be thrown through a window, or stung by a bee,
Or be strapped to an anchor and dropped in the sea,
Or to have a huge sewer rat gnaw at my knee,
Or be trapped in a room watching OJTV.

Modula Modula Modula-3
Don't you dare try to Modula me!
So until the day that I can program in C,
I'll dream of a world that's Modula-free.
Josh Cameron

From the Readers Digest

I'm sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that's good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I'll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

Happy Square Root Day. Square Root Day is when the day and
the month are square roots. So if you multiply 3 and 3, you
get 9. The last one was 2-2-04. It's a holiday founded back
in the '40s by a group of students who felt they weren't getting enough wedgies.
Jimmy Kimmel, March 3rd, 2009