In the Beginning

In the beginning was the word, and the word was God and all else was darkness and void and without form. So God created the heavens and the earth. He created the sun and the moon and the stars, so that their light might pierce the darkness. And the earth, God divided between the land and the sea, and these He filled with many assorted creatures.

And from the slime, in a land called Lympstone, God made dark, salty creatures, that inhabited the seashore. He called them Royal Marines, and dressed them accordingly, in bright colours so that their betters may more easily find them in the holes and burrows that they'd scoured out of the ground. And God said "Whilst at their appointed labours they will devour worms and maggots and all creatures that creep or crawl".

The flighty creatures of the air, He called Airy Fairies, and these He clothed in uniforms which were ruffled, foul and stinking. He gave them great floating cities with flat roofs in which to live, where they gathered and formed huge multitudes. They carried out heathen rites and ceremonies by day and by night upon the roof amidst thunderous noise. They were given God's blue sky and their existence was on the backs of others.

And the lower creatures of the sea, God called Skimmers, who supported the Airy Fairies and with a twinkle in His eye and a sense of humour only He could have, He gave them all rum, polluted with much water, to drink. God gave them big grey 'targets' to go to sea in. He gave them many splendid uniforms to wear. And He gave them all the world's exotic and wonderful places to visit. He gave them pen and paper so that they could write home every week, and He gave them Make and Mends at sea and a laundry so they could clean and polish their splendid uniforms. (When you are God it is very easy to get carried away with your own great and wondrous benevolence).

And on the seventh day, as you know, God rested from his labours.

And on the eighth day at 0755, just before Colours, God looked down upon the earth and He was not a happy man. God knew He had not quite achieved perfection, so He thought about his labours, and in His infinite wisdom, He created a divine creature, His masterpiece, and this He called a Submariner.
A child of heaven.

And these Submariners, whom God created in His own image, and to whom He gave his most cherished gift, a White Woolly Jumper, were to be of the deep, and to them He gave more of his greatest gifts. He gave them black steel messengers of death called the P & O Class in which to roam the depths of his oceans, and He gave them His arrows and slingshots, the Mark 23 torpedo of burnished gold and blue, and the Tigerfish of grey, to wage war against the forces of Satan and all evil. He heaped great knowledge and understanding upon them, in order that they may more easily win their greatest challenge, to pass their Part Three and be skilled in the great works God had charged them with. The finest of these men, God called "Sparkers" for they made all happen beyond the understanding of other men.

He gave His Submariners hotels in which to live when they were exhausted and weary from doing God's will. He gave them a shilling or two a day extra victualling allowance, to sustain them in their arduous tasks, performed in His name. He gave them Hard Layers, Submarine Pay and, occasionally, subsistence so that they might entertain the Ladies of the "Albany", "R.A", the "Mucky Duck" and the "Fleece" on Saturday nights and impress the hell out of the creatures He called Skimmers and Royal Marines.

And at the end of the eighth day, God again looked down upon the earth and saw all was good in His realm. But God was not happy because, in the course of His mighty labours He had forgotten one thing. He had not kept a White Woolly Jumper for Himself. But He thought about it and considered it and finally He consoled himself, in the certain knowledge that,

NOT JUST ANYBODY CAN BE A SUBMARINER !