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`I know Sam loves me. He shows me his affection and I am sure there is no one else in his life,` Jennifer was saying. `But he keeps looking at or talking about other women and I can`t stand it!`
Jennifer is not alone, but the fact that this behaviour is common among men doesn`t make it right. Sam seems to care about Jennifer but doesn`t realize the effect his attitude has on her.
Because of their culture or education, some men consider this kind of behaviour quite normal. They have never been told how heart-breaking it can be to the woman they love. They need to be taught in a way that will make sense to them. But they won`t change overnight and must therefore be told repeatedly.
Even though every case is different, if you find yourself in a similar situation, there are a few things you can do:
Understand
Before you do anything, try to understand why you are feeling so upset. Are you comparing yourself to potential rivals? What do you feel insecure about? Remember that jealousy is born when we claim ownership of other people.
Where is he coming from? What are his role models? Could this behaviour be a `drug`, a way to hide his vulnerability that became a habit? Don`t you think he respects you more than the women he is looking at?
Communicate
Talk to him when you are both calm. Since you are the one suffering from the behaviour, it is your responsibility to bring it up.
Stay away from revenge. Make sure you are not aggressive in your statements.
Explain how you feel, not how unsensitive you think he is.
Emphasize the positive aspects of the relationship and the reasons why you want it to last.
Give him a chance to answer, but realize he will probably be defensive.
If you are overwhelmed, remember you have the right to feel what you feel.
Decide beforehand on a sign or a gesture that would let him know silently that he is doing it again, since he might not be aware he is doing it.
At the time the situation is happening, refrain from nagging him.
Make sure you bring up the subject again later, once you have regained your composure.
This is not an easy communication, Jennifer, and it may not bring results right away. But don`t give up. You may be helping both Sam and yourself. Remember that his behaviour has probably taken years of `practice`. Give him time to unlearn. Happy relationships don`t just happen, they take a lot of work. Be patient and be strong!