My Journey
by
Donna Stafford-Skar
April, 1998
©Donna Stafford-Skar

Choosing to become a Roman Catholic Christian gathers people from widespread socio-economic backgrounds, age groups and ethnic origins. Their reasons are as varied as their backgrounds, but the choice once made and completed at the baptismal font, is really just Phase 1.

There is so much more to learn, to become, so many deep conversions to experience if you open yourself fully to the Lord. Understanding, love, compassion, tenderness, to be a good shepherd, dying to sin - these things do not happen instantly. That one crystalline moment when you feel the cool, living water trickle on your forehead and hear the priest intone those ancient words - "I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit" is but the beginning of the journey.

My experience as a Catholic began officially in September 1991. Following are excerpts from my RCIA journal:

September, 1991

That ad was in the paper again tonight, same as last year. It's something called RCIA at St. Mary's church. It's to learn about the Catholic faith. I think I'm going to look into it this year. I know that I have a commitment on Monday nights, but that's only one night a month. Maybe this is more important to my life now. But I'm kind of scared. Oh, well.

September, 1991

Well, I went to St. Mary's last night and it certainly wasn't quite what I had expected. I was a little apprehensive about going, but everyone was so welcoming. Father "Bill" as everyone calls him is just like a normal person! I mean, he's not uppity or preachy or anything, just very approachable and has a great sense of humour.

But it's different than I thought it would be, slow moving. I guess I'm looking

for the Catholic Church I experienced briefly when I was 15 - the tradition, the structure, the mystery, I want to learn the prayers, so I can go to church, and not feel stupid. But it seems that these nice people are more intent on teaching me how to come to know God, to welcome Jesus into my heart, and that's scary. It's also kind of embarrassing and intrusive. I can't pray and be "holy" in front of people - I don't know how, and I feel phony.

I called Father Bill a while ago. I told him I didn't feel that the group was giving me what I needed, especially in the prayers and he asked me "Donna, how do you pray now?" I thought this was a rather self-evident question since I don't know the Catholic prayers, so I told him "I just talk to God, like I would to a friend". "Well, Donna", he told me, "you should rejoice, you're doing it right!" Father went on to tell me that many "cradle" Catholics feel that they pray by rote, a learned response from their childhood, and would be so happy if they could pray like me. Oh, yeah?! Okay then, I'll accept that. Maybe I'll try to relax more and just let it happen.

And so I did. A couple of years after my baptism I attended a workshop given by our parish at which our Bishop, Gerry Weisner spoke on the ministries. He talked about how the ministries impacted on our daily lives, liturgy, prayer, God, faith and ritual. He explained the ritual of the mass as a celebration spilling out in action the meaningful significance of an experience we may have had or were having. He said that the ritual of the mass expressed this experience, deepened the experience and if we had "no faith experience the ritual was virtually empty". My head jerked up from my notes in amazement, and I later wrote in my journal:

Now I understand! Finally! I wanted the ritual first but it is empty if you

have no faith experience. So that's what the R.C.I.A. team was trying to teach

me, that I must have a faith experience first!

In retrospect, I guess I thought I could become an "instant Catholic" - just add water, stir and I'd live forever with the Holy Spirit "high" that I'd experienced at my baptism! I wasn't prepared for the challenges that following Jesus would present, nor the self-recriminations at my failures.

I slowly learned that my new life was not an easy task. What it is, though, is a process, a lifetime commitment to learning His ways, to following Him, yes, but a process nonetheless, and sometimes a slow one. I continue to learn, tending His sheep, feeding His lambs, (in my own small way) and try to carry His cross daily. Eventually I would become less demanding of myself, and there are days now when I believe I am being what Jesus wants me to be, and other times I feel such profound failure. But I know that Jesus knows my faults, my human-ness, and loves me for trying.

Droplets...

· Last week I threw out an open invitation to my family to join me at mass, fully expecting no takers. But thanks be to God, Robyn said "Yeah mom, I'll come". How wonderful!

· I will always remember how lovely it was, after a hectic day, to sit in the semi-darkness of the conference room, listening to Buddy's soothing voice relaxing us and leading us in prayer.

· I'll always remember Sister Shirley asking if there were any "Intentions" - I didn't know the word, or what to expect. But when the people around me began to offer verbal prayers, I thought how wonderful that everyone would pray for your sorrows, fears, happiness. A sense of Community began to build in me that night.

· The prayer table was another new experience for me. I knew at once that I would eventually have to prepare one in dedication to my sister Jeannie. It was sad, difficult, but at the same time, healing.

· I will always remember the first time someone (I think it was Ernie) suggested that God had led me to RCIA. I had never consciously thought that God was in my life to that extent, that He could and would direct me. It was a revelation to me..

March, 1992 Third Scrutiny

Today was the 3rd Sunday since I began RCIA that we formed part of the entry procession. A certain beautiful closeness has formed between us, the catechumens, our sponsors and the RCIA team.The music played , the community rose and the procession began. The ten of us, 2 by 2 down the aisle first, followed by the reader of God's word holding the Bible aloft, the two alter servers with their candles, and last, but not least, Father Bill, resplendent in his Lenten purple.

I felt an easiness in my heart today, a welcoming, enfolding feeling - as though God walked with me and rejoiced in my being here.

Father Bill explained to the community that he would lay his hands on our heads and ask God to enter our lives. We were asked to kneel and then Father Bill was there As he lay his hands on my head, my scalp began to prickle and I held my breath. Time seemed frozen and silent as he moved on. The tears flowed and that golden moment became forever etched in my memory

I listened to the readings with every fibre of my being. Father Bill's homily seemed to strike a chord in me, as well.

As he talked about God's voice emanating from the burning bush, asking Moses to remove his shoes, as he stood on Holy Ground. Father Bill asked "Where is your Holy Ground". I realized that for me it was in everyday things, within me. My Holy Ground is watching the sun set over Tezzeron Lake, touching a new born baby for the first time, butterflies, my family - all of the things that touch me so and move me to tears.

These things are my Holy Ground - I sense God's presence, His hand. I finally understand why I am overwhelmed at times - it is God's touch.

Early in my RCIA journey I purchased a Catholic Catechism for Adults called "This is Our Faith" by Michael Francis Pennock. Each chapter in the book has a prayer reflection and the introductory one, Is. 43:1-3 was my first clue that God had indeed called me:

Do not be afraid, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by your name, you are mine.

Should you pass through the waters, I shall be with

you;

or through rivers, they will not swallow you up.

Should you walk through fire, you will not suffer,

and the flame will not burn you.

For I am Yahweh, your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. (Is 43:1-3)

I read this scripture again and again during my early journey and it will always remain my favourite.

Monday, Holy Week 1992

Tonight at R.C.I.A.much of the discussion was regarding reconciliation.

At break, Father opened the Reconciliation room so that we could become familiar with it. Bernie was with me as we looked inside and she encouraged me to go in but I couldn't - somehow at the sight of this room, my sins seemed overwhelming and unforgivable. I left the church, drove around aimlessly and cried.

I know that I will have to see Father Bill soon or I will not be able to follow through with my baptism. But I'm so afraid - I keep remembering that I walked away from the church once before, for the same reason - I could not find the strength orcourage to face my sins

Twice, in my 20's, I took instruction in the Catholic faith, but I didn't get too far. I came with great need for forgiveness and to fill the obvious void in my life. But I felt unworthy, afraid, so I walked away, in spiritual poverty.

11:00 AM Tuesday, Holy Week, 1992

I went to see Father Bill today and talked to him about my feelings and my fears. His kindness and compassion once again helped me through a most difficult time in my journey, and I feel ready to complete my commitment to God and myself.

Good Friday, 1992

The service today was filled with sadness, yet hope for the future. The reading of the Passion was so touching, so real for someone like me who has never experienced really thinking about how Christ lived and died for us, and what it must have been like for him. and the deep sorrow of His mother Mary.

I saw most of my R.C.I.A. compatriots today. I know that this wonderful experience must soon end, and that is so sad, but the friendships formed here need never end, thank God.

Holy Saturday, April, 1992

It seems like we're still in the early stages of my R.C.I.A. encounter, but here we are - today's the big day. I was pretty busy at work today, and had to stop and get groceries for Easter dinner as well. So it was about 4 or so by the time I got home. Just as well, I guess - less time to be nervous.

I was feeling a little overwhelmed and nervous and very, very teary - I would cry at the drop of a hat. Once I was ready to go, I took some time out and went and sat alone on the sundeck. I closed my eyes and prayed to God to once again give me peace and calm my frazzled nerves. My emotions were so near the surface, that I was afraid I'd break down and bawl my head off!

I'm so thrilled that Allan, Kelley and Robyn are going to be with me tonight. My family sharing in my most profound experience - incredible!

How can I ever forget this night - the readings, the lighting of the paschal fire and all of the 300+ candles, the feeling of being part of a ritual that was being repeated all over the world.

Droplets..

· The first pew on the right held Tina and Michel, Mandy and Lynn, myself and Bernie, Cheryl, her mom and the baby Melody.

· Father Bill tracing the sign of the cross with oil on the palms of our hands.

Walking down the aisle to bring the gifts and seeing all of the smiling faces of the community there to welcome us. It felt like a Homecoming, like I belonged here. I knew that my face was lit like those candles, and felt truly the meaning of the word JOY!

· I won't forget the feeling of that blessed water running down my forehead.

It felt like a pure, cool undulating river touching my face. Such a rare precious moment to freeze in my memory bank. And Father Bill said - I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit - unforgettable.

· I won't forget standing in front of the altar, all of us - candidates and sponsors alike, hugging each other and offering the peace of Christ, laughing and crying at the same time. Embraces from my family, Allan, Kelley and Robyn, and many members of the community.

· I won't forget processing out and the celebration in the gym afterward. All the people congratulating us, and hugging us, and welcoming us.

My religious background prior to 1991 was almost non-existent. I was not baptized, nor brought up in a religion. I was taught basic children's prayers and my mother and grandmother did raise me to believe in Jesus.

As I grew up, I developed my own sense of faith and spirituality. But it was aimless, without direction. I never had any doubt that Roman Catholic was the church of choice, however, many things held me back.

Some members of my family (including my mother) had chosen to become Jehovah's Witnesses, so it was a fear of alienation from my family, fear of commitment (I have to get up early every Sunday morning?!), a fear of admitting my vulnerability to others and a fear of trusting others, and God.

But by 1991, I knew that spirituality without direction without religious action was no longer acceptable for me. I needed more.

· To finally feel as though I am a part of God's world. I know He never forgot me, even before I came to R.C.I.A.. But I know that now I am one of His children, truly, I belong. I am a part of a people who worship Him, who remember Him, who take part in his Holy Eucharist. I finally feel complete. This is the part of my life that has been missing for all these many years, and I am so happy and so grateful that God has led me home.

April, 1992 Winding Down

The week after Saturday Vigil, from Sunday to Sunday was a great high for me. I was high on God, I couldn't seem to pray enough, couldn't seem to hear the songs on the tape Bernie gave me enough, and I thoroughly resented my business life interfering with my spiritual life Robyn and I went to noon mass on Sunday. My second communion was very profound for me. I knew that this is how it would be for the rest of my life.

Now I understand. I'm no longer one of the Elect, a Candidate, a Catechumen - I am a person of God and I know the Lord is with me always, but especially when I celebrate his Holy Eucharist. I wish I hadn't missed this all of my life until now, but His ways are not our ways.

R.C.I.A. Monday night for me was very poignant. We had talked before about endings, deaths - and this was how I felt. This special, special time in my life with all of these wonderful people, was over .

Since my baptism in 1992, I have become an active member of St. Mary's community. I am a lector, served on the RCIA team for two years, and help occasionally with the re-Membering group, (and yes, I do get up early every Sunday for mass)!

But each day brings new challenges and I continue to journey in my faith. I expect I'll continue learning and changing until the day I die - journey's end - life everlasting.

April, 1992

Through the grace of God I have received the Holy Sacraments of baptism, confirmation and first communion. The hole in my heart has been mended and I am complete.

Thanks be to God.