I will try to maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses, even though this takes some of the fun out of the job. I will never say, "I am invincible", because no one ever is.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues to my Master Plan in the form of riddles for my enemies to find.
I will see a competent psychiatrist and be cured of all unusual phobias or bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.
I will always dress in bright, cheery colors... Mostly soft pastels. Wearing nothing but black is too depressing, while wearing all white is too boring.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as often as possible instead of holding it in reserve.
I will make it quite clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"... I just choose not to show any.
I will only employ assassins and bounty hunters that work for "the money". Those who work for "the thrill of the hunt" tend to do stupid things, like even the odds to give their victim a sporting chance.
I will maintain plausible deniability at all times.
I will not indulge in the practice of maniacal laughter, despite the proven stress-relieving effects of such behavior. When so occupied, it is too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more alert and attentive individual would notice.
I will not grow a goatee. Yes, it is true that in the old days they made you look sinister. Unfortunately, these days they only make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to demonstrate how evil I am. Loyal service should be rewarded... Which is how it becomes "loyal" service in the first place. And besides, honest messengers are hard to come by when you are in the Evil Overlord business.
I will never utter the sentence "Before I kill you, you should know…"
I will never turn into a giant snake, no matter how much I might want to, because it never helps.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the mountain of despair beyond the river of fire guarded by the dragons of eternity. It will be locked up in my safe-deposit box. The same can be said for the artifact that is my one vulnerability.
When my troops invade an unsuspecting country, I will direct the attack from the safety of my stronghold. If I absolutely must ride into battle myself, I will certainly not do so at the forefront of my army. Nor will I attempt to seek out my opposite number among his army for personal combat.
I will not require ranking female members of my staff to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress code.
I will occasionally listen to and follow my advisor's advice.
If my advisors ask, "Why are you risking everything on this mad scheme?" I will not proceed until I have an answer that satisfies them.
One of my chief advisors will be an average, every-day eight-year-old child. Any flaws in my Master Plan that he is able to spot will be corrected long before I put that plan into action.
If I am considering using a new code, I will instruct my eight-year old advisor to try to break it. If he can, the code will not be used. Note: the same policy applies to passwords.
If my Trusted Lieutenant tells me that my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him... After all, he is my Trusted Lieutenant.
I will not order my Trusted Lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me... I will do it myself. With my bare hands.
I will make sure that there is a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up, I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price of failure!", then suddenly turn and kill a random underling.
If any of my advisors ever says to me "My lord, he is but one man, and what can one man possibly do?" I will reply "This.", and then shoot him.
My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped to come into power, will not be secretly kept imprisoned anonymously in a cell in my dungeon. He will be killed as soon as my coronation is over.
I will not have a son. Although his eventual and surely laughable plan to overthrow me will fail, it could provide a fatal distraction at a crucial moment.
I will not have a daughter. Although she would certainly be as evil as she is beautiful, once she sees the hero's rugged good looks, she will no doubt betray me to him.
Before putting my Master Plan into action, I will hire a board-certified team of architects and surveyors to examine my headquarters closely and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. This team will then be paid ludicrous amounts of money and relocated to the Caribbean Island of their choice, where they will live out their lives in luxury.
My stronghold will have ventilation ducts that are too small to crawl through.
My main computer will use a custom operating system incompatible with all of the more common PowerBook and laptop computer models commercially available today.
The entrance to my stronghold will have doors that are normal sized. While twenty-foot tall doors do impress the masses, they are difficult to close quickly in an emergency.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports that intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
In my headquarters, incinerators, not compactors will dispose of bulk trash, and they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames shooting through accessible tunnels at intervals.
My stronghold won't have a self-destruct device unless it is absolutely necessary. If a self-destruct device turns out to be necessary, a big red button marked "Danger! Do not push!" will not activate it. The big red button marked "Danger! Do not push!" will instead trigger a spray of bullets onto anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, no on/off switches in my control room will be labeled as such.
If my stronghold is attacked, I will immediately use my prepared escape pod to escape to my auxiliary HQ, from which I will direct the defense of my primary headquarters. I will not wait until my enemies are breaking down the doors of my inner sanctum before attempting to leave.
If I am forced to make my escape, I will not pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner before leaving.
I will not employ devious schemes that involve the band of heroes actually making it into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
Shooting is not "too good" for my enemies.
No matter how tempted I am by the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field that is larger than my head.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively executed; all annoying and/or humorously clever robots and androids will be destroyed; and it shall be declared a capital crime to be the "town drunk". The hero will certainly give up and abandon his quest if he has no handy source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
I will not waste time trying to make my enemies' deaths look like accidents. After all, I am not accountable to anyone, and my other enemies wouldn't believe it was an accident anyway.
All slain enemies will be cremated as soon as possible. They will not be left for dead in a hidden area. An announcement of their demise, plus the attendant public celebration, will be deferred until after the urn full of ashes has been placed into my hands.
All younger siblings, spouses, children, students, and old army buddies of an enemy I have just killed will be hunted down to prevent them from attacking me at some future point in a quest for vengeance.
When I capture the hero, I will also make sure to capture his pet ferret, dog, monkey, or whatever other sickeningly cute pet animal that is capable of untying ropes, fetching keys, etc that happens to be following him around.
I will not interrogate my enemies in my inner sanctum. A small hotel room located well outside the borders of my kingdom works just as well and has the benefits of privacy and intimacy. After the interrogation, I will shoot them.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament to show my superiority. I will shoot them.
If one of my enemies says, "Look, before you kill us, will you at least tell us what this is all about?" I will say "No." And then I will shoot them.
When the rebel leader challenges me to a one-on-one fight, and asks "Or are you afraid to face me without your goons to back you up?" My reply will be "No, I’m not afraid... Just sensible." And then I will shoot him.
My enemies are not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or a last anything. They are entitled to get shot.
If my enemies are important to my scheme and thus cannot be shot immediately, I will not keep them together in the same cellblock, much less the same cell. The only keys to their cells will be kept on my person at all times; copies of them will not be handed out to every guard in my headquarters. And they will be shot as soon as it is feasible to do so.
When I capture the fair maiden, I will not kill her. This is not a matter of morality -- if I gave a fig about that, I wouldn't run around kidnapping women in the first place. However, if I do kill the fair maiden, I have the problem of disposing of the body and I no longer have the leverage provided by the threat of killing her. If the fair maiden presents a problem in terms of being a witness, I will solve that problem by blindfolding her or making her wear a hood. Simply because I am evil does not mean I am wasteful, and it's wasteful to kill perfectly good fair maidens. After all, I might have some use for her at some point.
When I have the fair maiden nicely tied up and am ready for a good gloat, I will not lean down and stare into her space from a distance of inches. She will just spit on me. If I absolutely have to do some close, face-to-face gloating, I'll make sure she's gagged first.
When given a choice as to which fair maiden of two or more to capture, I will always choose the more attractive ones. This would seem to be obvious, but it's surprising how often minions miss this point.
The Fair Maiden will never be left unsecured in rooms full of bolt cutters, gasoline cans, knives, scissors, lock picks, band saws, electric drills, submachine guns, hand grenades, flame throwers and the like under the assumption that simply because she is unable to leave the room, she is helpless. The fair maiden will always be gagged, bound hand and foot, and either secured to some very stable object well away from all other objects in the room, or even better, hogtied. Evil minions who leave the fair maiden alone and unsecured will be left alone and unsecured in a room full of angry bears.
I will force the fair maiden to marry me in a quiet civil ceremony rather than a lavish spectacle put together with three weeks warning... And the final phase of my Master Plan will not be carried out during my wedding. If she says "I’ll die before I marry you!" I'll shoot her. There are, after all, hordes of beautiful young women out there just waiting to marry someone as rich and powerful as I am.
My doomsday device will not employ a large red digital countdown device unless it is absolutely necessary. If a countdown device proves to be necessary, the doomsday device will be set to activate when the counter reaches 00:10:00, rather than 00:00:00.
My doomsday devices will always be designed and built in pairs. And both of them will be activated simultaneously. For that matter, any important device will be designed and built in pairs.
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear, space-age-plastic faceplates that allow the troopers to see clearly, and allow others to identify the trooper by sight with ease.
My Legions of Terror will have uniforms designed by a talented fashion designer, and will not be a cheap knockoff of the Nazi SS uniform, the roman foot-soldier uniform, or the clothing of the savage Mongol horde. All such groups were eventually defeated, and I want my troopers to have a more positive outlook about themselves.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic rifle marksmanship. Any who cannot hit a man-sized target at ten meters will be used for target practice.
My undercover agents will not be required to wear jackboots, or to adhere to any other form of a dress code. Neither will they have tattoos which identify their allegiance to me.
My Legions of Terror will be trained to dogpile hand-to-hand opponents, rather than attacking them in ones and twos while the rest stand around waiting their turn.
If I learn about the whereabouts of the one object capable of destroying me, I will not send my Legions of Terror out to seize it. Rather, I will send my Legions of Terror out to seize something else, and then quietly and anonymously place a want ad in the local paper.
While deformed mutants and oddball psychotics will certainly have their place in my Legions of Terror, I will not send them out on missions that require tact or subtlety.
I will never design and build a sentient computer that is smarter than I am.
If I suffer from a fit of temporary insanity and offer the hero a job as my Trusted Lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to make the offer while my Trusted Lieutenant is more than 100 miles away. There is nothing more dangerous than a Trusted Lieutenant who is righteously pissed off at you is.
I will not use any Master Plan for which the final step is horribly complicated (for example, "align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar and activate the medallion during a total eclipse"). Instead, I will use plans that have a final step along the lines of "push the button".
I will never attend an auction of an "ultimate weapon". If the weapon were really that good, the auctioneer would already be Evil Overlord.
Any ultimate weapon that was disassembled in the distant past and the components of which were scattered to the far parts of the world could not have been that great in the first place, or no one would have disassembled it.
Instead of going to all the trouble of stealing a 200 megaton nuclear device and ransoming a city to get the billions of dollars needed to enact my Master Plan, I’ll simply start an evangelical Tele-ministry. That way, I not only will get the money, I’ll get a fanatical cult of followers that will obey my every command, should I ever need such a thing.
My headquarters will have a heavily guarded room located at the bottom of a 100 story subterranean shaft behind a door marked "command center". This room will have a sophisticated computer the size of a city bus. This computer will contain a carefully encrypted but totally false version of my Master Plan, have no external links, and no real purpose. My actual "command center" will be a satellite-linked laptop on a card table with a folding chair at the top of the elevator shaft, behind a door marked "standpipe valves", accessible through the unlocked janitor's closet.
If at all possible, no exhaust ports will lead directly to the heart of the main reactor. If this proves unavoidable, all such exhaust ports will have closeable, reinforced blast doors at every other level, and there will be alternate routes of venting in case of emergency.
I will never enter into an alliance with a being or group I cannot easily betray. And I will always assume that my new "allies" are holding to the same principle.
When the time comes to unite the world's diverse underworld elements into one massive criminal organization, the meeting with my underbosses will not feature the elimination of the vociferous objectors and the intimidation of the rest. Rather, it will feature the deputization of the most powerful that I can control easily and the elimination of the rest.
If my objective is world domination, I will not be tempted by tantalizing opportunities to achieve absolute power, as these inevitably backfire. However, if my objective is absolute power, I will consider settling for mere world domination.
Another of my closest advisors will be a prolific hack novelist. If any part of my Master Plan begins to resemble any of his work, it will be disregarded.
If a messenger interrupts me during a meeting, a bath, or a romantic encounter, I will assume he has a real and important reason for doing so. He will only be executed if he interrupted me for no reason.
Total commitment is essential. If I discover that I have not truly and completely gone over to the Dark Side, I will immediately cease all world-domination efforts until that last morsel of goodness is expunged.
I will exploit my subjects, but not to the point of destitution, decrepitude, or desperation. I am evil, not stupid.
If I decide to hold the double execution of the hero and an underling who betrayed me, the hero will be scheduled to go first.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all of their time bickering and criticizing each other except for intermittent moments of sexual tension, I will order their immediate arrest and execution.
No matter how much I desire vengeance, I will never issue the order, "Leave him! He's mine!"
Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, I will design all of my personal sidearms to fire one more bullet than is standard.
If I come into possession of an artifact that can be used only by the pure-of-heart, I will not, repeat will not attempt to use it nonetheless.
If I find that my beautiful consort has been secretly associating with the hero, I will have her executed. This is regrettable, but maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
If I have children and then grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will first ask him to explain why it is that her beloved Grandpa has to die. When the hero launches into a long-winded, way-over-her-head dissertation on morality, that will be her cue to pull the lever that sends the hero into the pit of crocodiles. (Children love crocodiles almost as much as they love their grandparents, and it’s always important to spend quality time with children.)
If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, proclaim a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and name the hero my heir. This should be enough to break up their relationship. If not, at least I can be assured that the hero won't attack me while I am holding a parade in his honor.
I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the last category is only done posthumously.
I will fund research to develop tactical and strategic weapons of all types and covering a full range of needs so my options aren't limited to "hand-to-hand combat with swords" or "blow up the planet".
When it is prophesized that "no man will defeat me", I will keep in mind the growing presence and influence of non-traditional gender roles in the world today.
I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position will be reserved for my Trusted Lieutenant.
My Legions of Terror will be trained so that if they burst into rebel headquarters and find it empty except for a strange, blinking device, they will not approach it to investigate. Rather they will run like hell.
If I have massive computer systems, I will take as least as many precautions as a small business and include such things as virus-scans, firewalls, and other common security measures.
I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual or process that grants immortality.
I will not devise any scheme in which Part A is tricking the hero into helping me and Part B is publicly laughing at his gullibility and then leaving him to his own devices.
I will not hold lavish feasts in the middle of a famine. The good PR garnered from the guests does not make up for the bad PR garnered from the masses.
If my mad scientist tells me that my super weapon is almost finished, but requires more testing, I will wait for him to complete the testing. No one ever conquered the world by using a beta-version.
I will remember that knowledge of any vulnerabilities I have is to be released only on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one has a need to know.
All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any "repairmen" who show up at the door will be escorted to the dungeon.
If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot. He will not be kept prisoner inside the very dungeon he designed.
My force field generators will be located inside the force field they generate.
If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will launch them all at once rather than singly, thereby saving myself the aggravation of watching them fail in succession.
My pet monster's cage will be cleaned regularly and kept free of rocks, sticks, bones, or any other debris condemned prisoners might use as weapons to slay it when I drop them through the secret trap door.
If my evil sorceress consort fails to destroy the hero for a third consecutive time with her so-called magic, I will reassign her to running the 1-800-PSYCHIC hotline, I will also try to keep a straight face when ever she threatens to turn me into a toad.
If for some reason I enslave an entire race of people, I will not put them to work at tasks modern machinery can do more efficiently.
No part of my fortress will feature giant, free-standing stone statues or obelisks. While the sight of them would indeed be awe inspiring, it would be far too easy for a hero with superhuman strength or a well placed explosive charge to knock one over on top of me and/or my soldiers. Optionally, if I must have giant statues made out of myself, they will be made of Styrofoam and helium. This way, when the explosive charge does go off, there will be a short, morale boosting moment as I get to do the Evil Overlord Chipmunk command to slay my enemies.
The interior decor of my fortress will not feature pointy objects I could be impaled upon if I'm knocked off balance and stumble backwards during a fight.
All my public speaking engagements will be handled by a hologram. If I ever go out in public myself, I will always be in disguise.
I will not resort to android duplicates to safeguard myself from capture by my enemies because:
What I can construct others can emulate. If my minions are familiar with the use of androids they may make the mistake of letting the wrong one past their guard.
My enemies can capture and reprogram one for the same effect.
Any android can at any time decide that humans are inferior and commence extermination. Handing a killer android an already-assembled international conspiracy is considered "bad form".
Likewise, I will not use cloned duplicates to safeguard myself from capture by my enemies because they have desires and needs like other people and may sell me out, or worse attempt to murder and replace me.
Regardless of the extra revenue and good PR they might generate, I will not allow public tours of my fortress or any other important facility I own.
Efforts spent breaking a heroine's spirit allow time for things such as heroic rescues or are uncertain enough to allow last minute betrayals. Rather, I'll have my staff take several high-quality photographs of her, hire a good plastic surgeon and the ugliest girl in my kingdom, make one to look just like her, but not until after I've pumped two rounds of .45 hardball into the heroine's head, then fed her to my pet crocodiles.
Anyone making any kind of deliveries to my fortress will be required to show proper identification and submit their conveyance to an inspection before they can pass through the gate. Same applies when they leave.
I will not refuse to compromise with my enemies if the result will be of benefit to me in the long run.
I will make every effort to either suborn my foes or kill them. Humiliating them and enraging them through acts of depravity motivated solely to upset them will only rebound negatively against my long term interests.
If I've captured the beautiful princess and forced her to wear a skimpy slave costume and chain around her neck, I will take precautions to ensure she will not be able to strangle me with it.
Any new concubines I plan to add to my harem will go through a complete screening process, including tests for STDs.
All guards (and other workers) will be entitled to three weeks paid vacation a year after one full year's employment, will be covered (after that same period) by comprehensive medical and dental insurance (paid by me, the Evil Overlord) for themselves and spouse/companion and all dependents. They will have regularly scheduled pay-raises for every five years with which they remain in my employ as well as annual, merit-based bonuses. Stock options and retirement plans will be made available after five years of employment along with favorably termed loans for home improvement, education and debt consolidation. Any employee disabled in my service will receive a lifetime pension. Every year, my organization will make a few sizable college scholarships available for the most qualified of the dependents of my employees. Upon leaving my employ they will be constrained from working for any competitor or adversary for a period of not less than five years. All dismissals (as opposed to termination on their part) will be accompanied by a payment of one month's salary as termination pay and an excellent recommendation (regardless of cause for dismissal). Good will is more valuable than terror on the part of my employees.
If the hero and his party mount a surprise raid on my fortress, and there's no time to reach my secret escape pod, I will disguise myself as one of my bottom-rung, non-combat employees. (No real hero would shoot a poor, defenseless janitor, now would he?)
The members of my secret police will have broad-ranging authority to do their jobs, however, I reserve the right to terminate any who use their power for what I deem to be "non-constructive purposes" (like petty revenge).
I will regularly spend some of my free time with my staff of personal trainers so I'll be in good fighting shape just in case I absolutely must battle the hero one on one.
The moat around my fortress will be teaming with sharks with lasers on their heads (every creature deserves a warm meal ). And no, I will not settle for sea bass, no matter how bad-tempered they are. ALL I ASK FOR IS SOME SHARKS WITH FRICKING LASERS ON THEIR HEADS!!!!
When I have completely conquered and subjugated the entire world, I will not immediately branch out into other worlds/dimensions. I'll wait a few generations so that my subjects will only know life under my benevolent reign, thus providing little help to any renegades from the new worlds.
I will carefully read and reread Machiavelli's The Prince, Sun Tzu's The Art of War, and Dr. Phillip C. McGraw's Self Matters before I set out on my quest to conquer the universe.
If I find one of my kept women alone in my office or bedchamber and she is suddenly startled when I enter the room, I will immediately cut off her only escape and summon the guards. I will then order them to do a complete strip search and body cavity check on her. After that I will have them search the entire room top to bottom. If these searches turn up any items she tried to filch from or plant in the room, she will be executed on the spot.
My fortress will be designed with blast doors that authorized personnel can open and close quickly and easily whenever they need to.
All my secret escape pods will come with leather interior, dual climate zone comfort system, AM/FM stereo with 5 disk CD changer, emergency small arms cache, first aid kit, and a pair of fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror.
I will not hire one of the hero's old flames to infiltrate the rebellion. Even though she'll likely be excepted without question, she'll no doubt double cross me after the first chance she gets to reminisce about the "good ol' days."
If I ever spend 30 years in cryogenic stasis, upon awakening I will defer any evil scheming until my Trusted Lieutenant can bring me up to speed on current events.
If I discover that the hero is the offspring of my Trusted Lieutenant, I will never allow the Trusted Lieutenant to try to turn the Hero to my service. The hero will just turn my Lieutenant against me, and a good second-in-command is hard to come by. Rather, I'll just accept the cost of training a new second-in-command and kill the Trusted Lieutenant. He's just trying to turn the hero to his side so he can overthrow me anyway. But if I temporarily lose my mind and allow my Trusted Lieutenant to try and turn the hero to my service, I will order the Trusted Lieutenant out of the room while I confront the hero. That way, I won't have to worry about the Trusted Lieutenant's pesky parental instinct when I kill the hero.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy any pesky time machines that might be at hand.
If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.
The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.
I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.
I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rappelling down from above.
I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.
I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.
During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.
I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
If my Ultimate Incantation or Supreme Summoning leaves me weak and vulnerable from the expenditure of energy, I will only undertake it deep in the center of my fortress, and get plenty of sleep before applying the results.
If my super weapon can be controlled by computers or other electronic/electrical means, then there is no need for there to be only one set of controls right next to the main power source. A fake set, directly connected to a multi-amp circuit, will occupy this location.
No Ultimate Incantation that requires sacrifice of a Virgin is worth the trouble of a) securing such a rarity and b) relying on a quality that is so easily cured by an amorous Hero or Heroine in less than a minute of stolen time.
While it may be tempting to use an Ultimate Weapon or Spell with a rare, almost impossible to exploit, Tiny Flaw to accomplish my goals, if many Penultimate Weapons or Spells with no such flaw can achieve the same effect, I will employ them instead.
My Secret Police will be instructed to concentrate on Genuine Threats To My Reign. They do not need to waste time and resources investigating/persecuting every last disgruntled peasant, unless it's a slow day and there's really nothing else for them to do.
Instead of killing, imprisoning, or brain wiping the witnesses to my mistakes, I will instead apply equivalent, if not greater effort toward avoiding mistakes.
In the event of failure, I will consider the possibility that my enemies are proficient and intelligent before assuming incompetence or betrayal on the part of my advisors.
If there is any doubt about whether or not my enemies know something, I will act on the assumption that they do know. Unless it is important to my plans that they know, in which case I will make sure the information is leaked to them from an unimpeachable source.
I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
If there is any body of water in my realm that is home to a race of clumsy, Rastafarian-like amphibians, it will immediately be drained and filled in with concrete.
My dungeon cells will have solid physical doors in addition to force fields so that every power failure doesn't become a jailbreak.
New recruits for my Legend of Terror and/or secret police will undergo careful screening- including background checks, psychological evaluations, IQ and aptitude testing, drug and alcohol screening, and full physicals- before they begin training/service.
I will learn from the likes of Enron for how to steal ungodly amounts of money, instead of resorting to ransoming the planet with my latest doomsday device (which I never get to use, anyway).
If a person carrying an odd colored sword walks into my kingdom, I will take a vacation elsewhere until that sword is out of my kingdom and not make any friendly or unfriendly overtures to the sword wielder. If the sword is black, I'm heading for another dimension and never returning.
My Legions Of Terror will have a competent Internal Affairs department to make sure, among other things, that none of my henchpersons are old childhood friends or former lovers of the Hero.
Any documentation that I must keep regarding my latest plan for global domination/ultimate weapon/etc. will be kept in a folder labeled something uninteresting, such as "Sewage System Maintenance Logs". I will, however, leave on my desk a folder with a catchy, upbeat label like "Operation: Annihilate". In the folder will be a single diskette, labeled only with a skull-and-crossbones. On the diskette will be the nastiest viruses, Trojan horse programs, and computer worms that I and/or my henchmen can devise. My base's computers will of course be protected against anything on this diskette, and inserting the diskette into a computer on my base will trigger the death rays.
I will have no nubile female assistants. All my assistants will be former members of the East German swim team.
I will endeavor to treat the ancient, sylvan forests surrounding my keep in a kindly, eco-friendly manner. By no means will I rip up every tree within five miles of my castle in order to provide raw materials for my orc breeding program.
There is a reason why the spell book of the last Evil Overlord is available to me. If I came into possession of it through any means that involved defeat of its power, I will use it as a doorstop only.
If I come into possession of, or manage to assemble the Ultimate Weapon, I will immediately use it at full power in direct pursuit of my goal of world domination. No warning shots across the bow, No "This is only a fraction of my weapon's potential!" grandstanding. I will also refrain from using the Ultimate Weapon for simply offing the Hero. If it's really the UW, the Hero's efforts will come to naught anyway.
No Ultimate Incantation that requires sacrifice of a Virgin is worth the trouble of a) securing such a rarity and b) relying on a quality that is so easily cured by an amorous Hero or Heroine in less than a minute of stolen time.
If my superweapon can be controlled by computers or other electronic/electrical means, then there is no need for there to be only one set of controls right next to the main power source. A fake set, directly connected to a multi-amp circuit, will occupy this location.
While it may be tempting to use an Ultmate Weapon or Spell with a rare, almost impossible to exploit, Tiny Flaw to accomplish my goals, if many Penultimate Weapons or Spells with no such flaw can achieve the same effect, I will employ them instead.
I will not use area-effect, mind-altering spells as a long term solution to civil unrest. a) They wear off, or eventually the subjects gain or breed immunity, and the population I made to love me will grow to hate me. b) Outsiders not falling to the initial spell will quickly become suspicious at my subjects' mindless happiness and obeisance, and try to do something about it.
All my computer systems will have uninterruptable power supplies. All my circuitry will use breakers or fuses of the appropriate tolerances.
It is never necessary to store explosive materials and/or fuel anywhere near my central control or computer complex. If for some reason such a situation should come about, they will not be in the same room as the central computer. They will be in a concrete bunker protected by blast doors and fire prevention systems. The same goes for the vats of toxic waste, acids, and super-cold liquids.
All non-instantaneous deathtraps (drowning pools, trash compactors, gas chambers, etc.) in my Fortress will be isolated from the communications and power grids.
I must assume that deathtrap manufacturers' brochures base their Estimated Time to Kill (ETK) on tests using non-heroes (and moreover generally test only the minimum ETK). Therefore, Heroes trapped in one of my non-instantaneous deathtraps will remain there a minimum of several times longer than its ETK, and even then will be treated as potentially dangerous until any remains are incinerated.
All deathtraps will have only one way in or out, with any way out leading to an even more cunning deathtrap that works faster.
Any captured-and-released or escaped Hero will have numerous tracking devices of several levels of detectability installed in his effects, vehicles, and person, at least one of which will have been ingested with his last food or drink. Even so, I will never fail to put up a serious effort to track or intercept him by other means as well.
If my Evil Offspring is corrupted by the forces of Good, I will not try to attempt to bring him back to the Dark Side. I will give him up as a lost cause, eliminate him if he goes against me, and find a suitable Evil protégé somewhere else.
If reputable prophecy dictates I will be defeated/killed by a certain person or event, I will not waste time trying to eliminate him or prevent it. I will enjoy my power for all its worth, as long as I can, meanwhile devoting reasonable energies in a search for new prophecies that will get me out of the first one.
I will always keep a few Useless but Loyal Advisors on the payroll and in proximity to both help my enemies underestimate me and provide a few extra bodies between the enemy and myself should my defenses be penetrated.
Mind-controlled or love-potioned subjects will be left enough free will that they do not have to be specifically ordered to perform useful actions such as enabling my escape, administering medical help, or otherwise coming to my aid.
My Secret Police will be instructed to concentrate on Genuine Threats To My Reign. They do not need to waste time and resources investigating/persecuting every last disgruntled peasant, unless it's a slow day and there's really nothing else for them to do.
I will encourage general promiscuty, restrict access to birth control, and provide the best in STD research/prevention and pre-and post-natal care. The resultant population will be more satisfied and complacent, and will fuel my war machines, production, dressmaking, and general fun.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to really advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.
My planned assault on the rebel base will take place after my assault on the rebel base.
If my objective is world domination, I will not be tempted by tantalizing opportunities for absolute power, which invariably backfire. If my objective is absolute power, I will consider settling for world domination.
I will never enter into an alliance if I am not sure I can betray it if necessary. I will always assume my new allies observe this same condition.
When it is time to unite all the diverse underworld organizations into a single cohesive crime syndicate, the meeting with all my fellow under-bosses will not feature the elimination of the vociferous objectors and intimidation of the rest. It will feature the deputization of the most powerful that I can control easily and the elimination of the rest.
If I can't execute the Hero immediately, I can take the time to completely -- and I mean no finger, toe, or tongue wiggling -- immobilize him. A couple of rolls of Saran-Wrap plus some judicious cordage will do fine.
One of my close advisors will be a prolific hack novelist. If my plan matches or mimics any of his plots, it will be summarily rejected.
I've murdered tens of thousands in cold blood. If I can't ice the sad-eyed puppy too, I don't deserve the job.
If I must fight hand to hand, no matter how I outclass my opponent in skill and finesse, I will fight dirty and get the job done as quickly as possible.
Total commitment is essential. If I discover that I have not truly and completely gone over to the Dark Side, I will immediately suspend all world-domination efforts until that last morsel of Goodness can be expunged.
Planting a tracking device on the Hero doesn't mean I shouldn't also use other means to track him.
The "safety" switch on my personal blaster and laser sword will in fact be a "reverse" or "overload" switch.
If I cannot take the time to create and remember a nonsensical 12 digit password with numbers, symbols, and alternate cases, I might well keep my Ultimate Plan in an ASCII file on my desktop.
If my Evil Offspring is corrupted by the forces of Good, I will not try to attempt to bring him back to the Dark Side. I will give him up as a lost cause, eliminate him if he goes against me, and find a suitable Evil protégé somewhere else.
I will always keep a few Useless but Loyal Advisors on the payroll and in proximity, both to help my enemies underestimate me, and to provide a few extra bodies between the enemy and myself should my defenses be penetrated.
I will exploit my subjects, but not to the point of destitution, decrepitude, or desperation. I'm Evil, not Stupid.
If reputable prophecy dictates that I will be defeated or killed by a certain person or event, I will not waste time trying to eliminate him or prevent it. I will enjoy my power for all it's worth, as long as I can, and meanwhile devote reasonable energy to a search for new prophecy that will get me out of the first one.
I will maintain no association with sidekicks who employ prostitutes. While such entertainment doubtlessly relieves my comrade of the wearying burden of the Heroic Struggle, the women met in this fashion tend to filch artifacts needed to defeat the Evil Overlord, act as his spies and/or assassins, carry unpleasant diseases, and (worst of all) get me in trouble with my True Love.
I will ignore the Evil Overlord's arguments revolving around honor and/or morality. If he were really all that worked up about either, he would never have become an Evil Overlord in the first place.
When the Evil Overlord takes hostages, I will presume the hostages dead and hold a memorial service. Any promises made by the Evil Overlord regarding their safe return shall be summarily ignored. My loved ones will be warned to expect this.
I will not walk alone and undisguised into a bar in the Evil Overlord's territory in order to meet with an ex-associate who said a bunch of damaging things about me in one of the Evil Overlord's propaganda pieces.
When the Evil Overlord is hanging on the cliff by his fingers, I will not try to help him up. If time and means are available, I'll kill him then and there.
When I am advised to destroy a magical artifact taken from the Evil Overlord, I will do so.
Anyone inquiring after the secret of my strength will be fed a line of plausible baloney as to how this strength can be lost. If the bogus advice is followed, the leak shall be properly investigated.
If an associate begins to transform into something large and threatening, I will immediately act to neutralize the threat, and not wait until the transformation is complete. Likewise, if an enemy begins to metamorphosize into something else, I will immediately start whacking away at it, instead of watching in fascination.
I will take no oath of unquestioning obedience, nor any oath of obedience to persons of unproved character.
I will reveal to each comrade a different clue for distinguishing me from an impostor, so that if one of them betrays me and an impostor is sent in my place, the others will still be able to catch on to the charade.
I will never assume that an enemy is dead unless the remains are available for examination, and will keep in mind the possibility of cloning technology or resurrection magic.
I will employ some manner of surveillance so that when I leave a room and a traitorous comrade gives me the Malicious Scowl or Wicked Leer to my back, I will have ample warning of his impending betrayal.
Self-appointed prophets who deliver elliptically-worded warnings will be politely asked to phrase their utterances in plainer terms. If said prophet refuses the request, a five-year-old child will be asked to explain the meaning of the prophecy.
I will waste no time trying to get the rich to join in my rebellion. The only way to stay rich in the Evil Overlord's realm is to collaborate with him, and any rich people who truly feel guilty about this will serve the rebellion better by not openly joining.
If my Mentor tells me that I am not yet ready to confront the Evil Overlord, I will quietly accept his judgement and remain to complete my training.
If one of the Bad Guys manages to kill my Mentor, I'm clearly not prepared to immediately avenge him; I will retreat and develop my skills.
I shall arrange my personal affairs so that it doesn't matter if someone learns my secret identity.
If I am granted a vision of the future, I will not try to prevent anything that I see. It never works.
If I am forced to make a choice between saving a friend/lover or fulfilling my mission, I will remind myself that failing to accomplish the mission will probably result in the friend/lover's death anyway, and go on with the mission.
If I am captured by the Evil Overlord and escape, I will assume that he is tracking me in some manner. If I am going to the hidden rebel base, I shall first go to an alternate location, change clothing, equipment and means of transportation, and then go to the hidden rebel base.
If any of my associates mysteriously disappears, and then returns behaving in an uncharacteristic manner, I will immediately presume that their loyalty has been compromised by the Evil Overlord.
Old flames that join the rebellion will be assigned duties that preclude contact with me. This not only protects me from any attempt by the Evil Overlord to use them as agents, but also keeps my True Love from leaving me in a fit of insane, if misplaced, jealousy.
I will presume that the Evil Overlord is working to nullify my secret powers. I shall therefore obtain a means to fight that do not rely on these secret powers.
I will enter into alliances with the Evil Overlord only on the understanding that the rationale he has supplied for the alliance is not the Unvarnished Truth, and furthermore that he will betray me at the moment most advantageous to him.
I will never travel back into the past in order to prevent the current situation. It never works.
No matter how sincere he looks, I will never shake the Evil Overlord's hand.
When my powerful wizard friend fails to return at the appointed time, I won't wait until after my birthday to start my Perilous Journey. I will set out immediately.
Anything that appears to have been too easy--escaping the Evil Overlord's fortress, defeating the Eldritch Horror, etc.--probably was too easy.
If the Evil Overlord invites me to go on a hunt with him, I will decline the invitation.
If I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's plans and my capture is imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute little sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away with many cute little sidekicks.
If I maintain a secret identity, I will keep my transformation ritual as simple and quick as possible so that I cannot be interrupted during it.
I will not keep information secret in order to prevent widespread hysteria; it never works.
My fortress will include a holding room for any annoying kids, nerds, would-be love interests and other wannabes who follow me there and insist on joining my group. They will be kept in this room until the Evil Overlord is defeated. If there are holodecks available, I will throw the wannabe into it while he/she is asleep and activate the Epic Adventure program.
When the Evil Overlord's Wicked but Beautiful Daughter tries to subvert me through her womanly wiles, I will keep in mind the diseases she is likely to have caught from all the netherwordly creatures with whom she is probably also consorting, as well as the possibility that the Evil Overlord has a hidden camera/crystal ball trained on me and is forcing my True Love to watch.
I will not needlessly expose myself to enemy gunfire, hand-to-hand combat, or dogfights.
There are three dimensions in space. I do not have to attack in the same plane as the opponent.
I will not count on other rebels being as self-sacrificing as I.
I do not need to give the Overlord a fair chance. Shooting him in the back works for me.
I will never say "This one is mine!" and engage in a one-on-one struggle with the Evil Overlord or any of his henchmen; however, I might say "This one is mine!" and stand back while, by prior arrangement with my comrades, all available firepower is pumped into the now-distracted target.
If my village allies defeat the elite forces of the Evil Overlord, I will take a few minutes to learn how they did it and incorporate the information gained into my strategies.
If my True Love is captured and forced into marriage with the Evil Overlord, I will not attempt to rescue her until after the ceremony, unless said ceremony will irrevocably harm or alter her in some way.
If she doesn't already know, I shall train my True Love in the art of unarmed combat, so that when the Evil Overlord uses her as a human shield she can slam her heel between his legs.
Likewise, if she doesn't already know, I shall train my True love in the art of armed combat, to the extent that her natural talents allow.
If through skill or luck I defeat a better-armed opponent, I will at least try to get his/her/its weapons.
When I and my companions sneak into the Evil Overlord's stronghold through some unorthodox route such as the main drain, and it appears to be completely unguarded, we will stop and discuss possible explanations for that observation, rather than simply praising our good luck and pressing blithely on.
After killing a few dozen faceless, anonymous grunts in the Legion of Doom without a second thought, I will not suddenly take a merciful attitude with the Evil Overlord, his family, his lieutenants, or anyone else with a speaking part.
When I kill one of the Evil Overlord's deer, I will not lug it to his castle and wave it in his face just to make some obscure point, only to wind up having to fight my way out of his castle. I'll just take it home and enjoy some venison.
I will remember that if the Bad Guy tries to kill enough people, no one will mind too much if I kill him instead of merely disarming him. Especially if it looks like an accident.
If I am offered two explanations for a phenomenon, one a logical, scientific explanation and the other a load of New Age claptrap, I will accept the scientific explanation.
My robots will be programmed to speak only when they have something useful to say. That way I will not be tempted to ignore them when they have critical information.
When I state my intention to do something and one of my robots interrupts me, I will at least hear it out.
I will wear different outfits from day to day, so that the Evil Overlord's henchmen will not be able to spot me at a glance.
If I lose a hand and have it replaced with a prosthesis, the prosthesis will have a functional weapon built in to it. I can use it to surprise Bad Guys and open canned goods.
I will not have sex with anyone before a battle. They will either die or betray me during the battle.
High-sounding directives notwithstanding, I will never value culture above sentient life.
If I get incriminating evidence about an enemy or a superior, I will make several copies, and store each in a different location. I will not surrender the sole copy to anyone. If ordered to destroy the copies, I will do so, after first making more copies.
I will not try to make a comrade run faster by yanking on his/her arm. I will instead advise them to stop turning around to look at the pursuing danger (rats, lava, etc.).
I will not make the sidekick wait somewhere while I go on ahead. He'll only get into worse trouble than he otherwise would.
Every member of the rebellion will have DNA tests to bring any existing blood relationships to light.
When five seconds can mean the difference between the survival and destruction of the galaxy, I will keep my wistful expressions of undying fealty, love, or regret to a minimum.
After knocking out a bad guy, I will kill him silently if I can, cripple him silently if I can't kill him, or disarm him if I can neither kill nor cripple him. If I fail to do any of these, he will come to and jump me from behind.
My loyal, trusted and heavily armed bodyguards will always be on hand.
I will never leave my True Love and/or family unguarded unless they can defend themselves.
I will always pack as much firepower as I can.
I will never allow my people to speak to prisoners alone, but I will sometimes appear to do so.
I will maintain constant surveillance on all prisoners in case one of my people tries something behind my back.
If I discover a mysterious pod in my home, barn, spaceship, or alien territory, I will not stick my face into it or pick it up to see if it is alive. Instead I will have it examined via remote-controlled robot.
I will not trust a being with an inordinate number of tentacles.
I will always read the fine print.
Being captured by the Evil Overlord is one way to learn his secret plans, but there are innumerable other ways that are better, and they will be tried first.
My weapon of choice will be the one that allows the greatest distance between me and my target.
When I am forced to decide which of two identical people is the Trusted Ally and which is the Evil Doppelganger, I will stun them both and sort things out in the brig.
When I make my escape from the Evil Overlord's encampment, I will sabotage as much of the enemy's pursuit capacity (horses, jeeps, rocket bikes, etc) as opportunity permits, sparing only enough for the use of my companions and me.
If my trusty sidekick always blurts out the fact that I am carrying the most powerful magic object in the world, then I will get a sidekick who is less of a blabbermouth.
No robots serving with me will be permitted to have emotion chips.
I will be courteous to all, whether friend, foe, or neutral. Especially neutral.
I will wear a utility belt. Not everything I need will be kept there, but I will pretend that I am helpless without it in order to fool the Evil Overlord.
I will treat law enforcement officials with respect, permit them to handle affairs that are within their capacity, and solicit their advice when circumstances allow. This will establish mutual respect and a good rapport.
If I have a weakness, I will look for a Sidekick who does not share this weakness. Failing that, I will form a mutual-support association with a Hero not sharing this weakness.
When sneaking into the fortress of the Evil Overlord, I will disguise myself as someone whose normal behavior I can emulate.
If I am in dire straits due to a lack of the rare substance that fuels my ship, I will scan my environs for supplies of the substance, paying especial attention to the natives' jewelry and other decorative artifacts.
My guards will be instructed so that when a voice around the corner says "come here," they will assume the speaker to be an intruder and respond accordingly.
If I am forced to retreat after being ambushed by overwhelming forces, I will not run home where it's safe; whoever is behind the ambush probably has plans for me when I get there.
I almost certainly have an Evil Twin running around somewhere, if not by birth then as a creation of the Evil Overlord. I will keep an eye out for him, and plan accordingly.
I will never allow fashion sense to prevent me from carrying whatever is useful or needful for the Heroic Struggle.
When the Evil Overlord tries to guilt-trip me by claiming that I'll be responsible for something he plans to do if I don't cooperate with him, I'll mercilessly quote Ayn Rand to him.
If the Evil Overlord wears a mask hiding his features, it's either because he doesn't want to be recognized or because he's bodaciously ugly. I will psych myself up for the shock resulting from either cause when I rip the mask off of him.
When someone opens the Portal to Hell, and I have the means to close it, I will employ said means immediately, and not stop to explain things to everyone.
People who whine about not being trusted are either:
Operatives for the Evil Overlord
Mind-controlled by the Evil Overlord
Totally clueless about concepts like OPSEC and need-to-know
Dangerously neurotic and/or immature
and are consequently not to be trusted.
If a mystic proclaims that my destiny is to "defeat the darkness," "bring freedom to the downtrodden," or some such other glorious accomplishment, I will immediately begin preparations for the role. I will not wait for the mystic and several other innocents to get rubbed out by the Evil Overlord.
If my powers depend on a talisman in my possession, I will never openly display it, but keep it hidden in my codpiece/brassiere; a flashy, gaudy article of jewelry, having no mystical potency of any kind, will be brandished when I employ my super powers.
I will begin my lifelong fight against crime immediately upon discovery of my powers, instead of witholding my assistance from the police, thereby allowing a minor criminal to escape and murder one of my loved ones.
When I am about to enter the Evil Overlord's hideout, I will have it surrounded by friendly forces so that they can detain him if he sneaks out the back door while I kick down the front door.
If I discover that one of my comrades in the Heroic Struggle has a Dark Secret (i.e., was impersonating the opposite gender, is a blood relative to the Evil Overlord, etc.), I will not dismiss them without further justification.
The assistance of politicians will be obtained by appealing to their self-interest. Any politician who appears to be cooperating with me out of the kindness of his heart is actually plotting to betray me at some point.
If my Mentor is slain in combat with the Evil Overlord or his henchmen, I will withdraw quietly, instead of shouting "Noooooo!" at the top of my lungs.
Any artifact named as if it were a part of somebody, especially if it really was once a part of somebody, is a Talisman of Purest Evil, will only be dealt with in a manner pursuant to its destruction.
Mountains and castles that are shaped like skulls, hideous faces, fists, etc., are the very Lairs of Evil. All visits will be planned accordingly.
Female sidekicks who are loyal and dependable make much better True Loves than do vain, pampered princesses who never give me the time of day.
I will ascertain the whereabouts of all relatives and possible progeny from past love affairs. It's a sure bet that the ones for whom I cannot account are now working for, or actually might be, the Evil Overlord.
I will not spurn the assistance of a hermit/scholar merely because my other associates claim he is insane.
If an opponent does not die when his/her/its head is cut off, but instead starts groping for it, I will give the head a good kick to delay reattachment.
If I find myself born or drafted into a universe wherein the laws of nature do not obey consistent principles, I will depart for an alternate universe created by a more reasonable author.
Beauty is fleeting, power is vulnerable. I will not risk the latter for the former.
I will not fret over the comparative beauty of the Hero's True Love or any Beautiful Yet Innocent kinfolk. They may be attractive enough, as peasant wenches or quivering maidens go; but I am The Evil Empress, and there is no comparison.
I will use my magic mirror for spying on my enemies rather than for vain attempts at preserving my position as fairest in the land.
I will not bed the Hunky Hero before my plan is executed, unless having him believe I am carrying his child gives me a decisive advantage.
While seduction has its place in my arsenal, I realize that "evil" and "skanky" are not mutually inclusive. Royal Dressmakers unable to realize this fact will be flayed alive in the presence of their replacements.
I will wear flats, or better yet, running shoes when executing crucial plans.
My slinky sorceress' robe will have a chain mail foundation garment, at minimum.
I will not be put off by the Hero's rebuffs of my sexual advances. If he doesn't succumb, I won't fly into a jealous rage. Instead, I'll shrug my shoulders, send him on his way, and have him picked off as he exits the fortress.
Where winks, suggestive remarks, and body language won't get me what I want, a well aimed semi-automatic will.
Sex is certainly a weapon at my disposal, but then so is a blaster. If it is not clear which weapon I should be using, I will opt for the blaster.
I, and my elite guards, will never assume that we have managed to confiscate all weapons or escape aids from the captured Hero. Interrogations in my private chambers will only be conducted if the Hero is completely nude. This will satisfy a number of objectives at once.
I will promote chivalry and urge my minions to exhibit proper behavior at all times when it is not counterproductive to my schemes. This increases the chance of running up against only chivalric Heroes, as well as increasing the surprise factor when I ditch the pretenses and get really vicious.
I will not seize power for my beloved son or husband or other close individual, especially since they may not, in the end, be grateful that I was so ruthless and treacherous on their behalf. I will seize power for myself and grant my loved ones small fiefdoms they can call their own, if they want.
If the Hero is an old lover of mine (and they almost always are), I will remember just why he is a former lover, and keep it in mind as I destroy him.
If I know the Hero is an old lover of mine and he isn't aware of it, I will keep it to myself. I can better exploit his weaknesses and my other intimate knowledge about him if I don't allow my identity to be revealed.
16. If the Hero says he is willing to betray his cause and accept my offer of ruling the world at my side, he will only be believed once that betrayal results in his cause's total destruction, at which point his demonstrable lack of principle will lead to his immediate execution.
My poison-fanged or clawed beast minions will not be spiders, snakes and ravens, but kittens, goldfish, and canaries.
I will wear breakaway clothing whenever risking capture. It will facilitate escape if I am grabbed, and it will distract the captor (but not me) for those crucial seconds it will take me to either escape or steal his weapon.
I will wear form-fitting clothes rather than flowing gowns: they're just as, if not more, flattering and are less likely to snag on something or catch fire at the moment of triumph or escape.
If I require my Hag or Crone to poison someone, I will require the poison be quick and deadly rather than a mere sleep aid.
My Amazon Hordes will either be dyed-in-the-wool lesbians or have a nice pool of suitable comely men of their liking at home.
My Amazon Hordes will wear full body armor, rather than three small triangles of chain mail, which are reserved for dress occasions.
The infantry of my Amazon Hordes will use advanced tactics such as the phalanx and employ sophisticated weapons such as the 10' pike when closing with the enemy, but only after their archers have emptied their quivers from 200 yards away.
I will reevaluate any job that requires manipulating a man in my thrall. Chances are one of my Amazons could do the job with less risk.
Male Sidekicks are almost always corruptible with a wink and a nod, or charmable by a simple spell or potion, at least until the crucial encounter with the Hero, at which time they should be safely entombed somewhere far from the action.
The effort of turning female or gay sidekicks generally makes killing them the least bothersome tactic.
If I married into the title of Evil Empress, I will let my Overlord take the flak for the Empire's evil actions and ingratiate myself to the people with my kindness.
If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then my very first order of business must be the disposal of the Evil Overlord, since he must already know he can't possibly trust me as far as he can throw me.
If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress, then using the Hero to free me of the Overlord does not obligate me to abdicate my throne.
If I am competing with other Overlords, Empresses and High Priests for ultimate domination, I will assume they have access to this and other lists and the brains to listen to them.
I will not try to turn a son (even mine) against his father, no matter how estranged they are. Blood relatives can be annoyingly sentimental.
I will neither repress my Beautiful but Wicked Daughter nor smother my Handsome but Evil Son. It's hard enough raising a ruling family these days without extra dysfunctional baggage. No one wants disgruntled offspring suddenly seeing the light and turning Good just because Mummy gave them an unhappy childhood.
Unless immortality comes with Absolute Power, I'd better be grooming my Evil Offspring to take the reins someday. It's better to carefully feed their growing lust for power by gradually increasing Imperial responsibilities than have them plotting my untimely demise.
If I am unfortunate enough to have a Beautiful but Innocent Daughter, as opposed to a Beautiful but Wicked Daughter, I will unconditionally love and nurture her, and be as supportive as possible of any budding romantic relationship with potential young Heroes. This will a) delay Heroic action while I study his strengths and weaknesses, b) cause emotional conflicts within the Hero that will encourage fatal hesitations or mistakes, c) provide another chance for my daughter to see things my way before I'm forced to eliminate her.
I will not mistreat, abuse, or plot elaborately to kill my Beautiful Yet Innocent Stepdaughter -- she's destined for something, count on it. Instead I will treat her with all the kindness and love possible while slowly reshaping her in my image.
However insatiable my appetites are, it is virtually guaranteed that at least one of my millions of subjects is both far more gifted at satisfying them and far more loyal to me than the Hero who seeks my destruction, no matter his reputation with the ladies.
My personal servants will be professional bodyguards and assassins, but will dress and behave as eunuchs and maidservants. Even if I dismiss my regular guards for a "private audience" with the Hero, these personal servants (just so much furniture after all, right?) will remain in my chambers.
Any bodyguard who cannot maintain concentration and discipline in my boudoir will be eliminated immediately by the others.
I will learn the various arts of self defense and not rely solely on muscular minions to protect me.
The appearance of weakness can be as useful as the appearance of strength. I will exploit the double standard for all it's worth.
If I must enlist the powers of the netherworlds I will first bone up on contract law. My own soul, mind, and/or (especially) body will never be negotiable.
If I get the bright idea to seduce a powerful yet malevolent being into becoming an ally, the actual seduction can be handled by my body double. Exotic anatomies are not to become a factor.
My Radiant Amulet of Power will not be worn around my neck on a thin gold chain, or on a ring that is two sizes too big for my finger. If a line of sight is required for operation, then a good strong locking watchband will do. If the amulet need not be exposed, as Empress I have far more secure hiding places at my immediate disposal -- and to hell with the glow.
Men already enthralled by my Feminine Wiles will just as easily take my orders when radioed from my fortress as in person on the front lines.
I will keep my hair under control and my fingernails trimmed. Long, loose hair is much too convenient a handle for the Hero, Sidekick or Backstabbing Evil Ally. Trimmed fingernails let me press The Button myself.
I will identify any phobias or nervous habits I have and undergo therapy until I can overcome them. It would be Just Too Vexing to be chased from the scene of my Ultimate Triumph because someone dropped a snake from the air vent.
If the seeds of discontent look ready to bloom into open rebellion, I will hire a top PR firm to create the public image that I am 1) only a figurehead and that all power really resides in the Prime Minister; 2) misunderstood; or 3) only a woman who's getting bad advice from her Council. Choices 1) and 3) give me the option to keep my head if my side is defeated by the Hero -- and leave the possibility of a sequel.
The internet is my friend. Using body doubles, I can inspire loyalty with www.EvilEmpress.boudoir. live.com, fear with www.EvilEmpress.pit-of-despair.live.com, and utter slavish obedience with www.EvilEmpress.strict-discipline.live.com. I can also sell t-shirts and other Evil Empress [tm] merchandise.
If there is any conceivable thing the sight of which can melt me into mawkish sentimentality, I will wear sunglasses designed to make it look like a Chia Pet.
If the Hero has an evil twin, the twin will probably make a far more suitable Love-Happy Stooge. Keeping this in mind, I will beware of advisors who might have a Non-Evil twin.
Magic Girls, no matter how frilly their dresses, high their screams, or incompetent their sidekicks, will be treated as the credible and dire threats they are, and I will direct as many, if not more resources to their destruction as I would for a more classical Hero.
Never take on someone that has just beaten the Hero, unless it is to distract him just before the Hero delivers the killing blow.
If the Evil Overlord announces to the world that he has reformed and wants only to help people, throw a party, and give away money; don't go. Not even if he's playing Prince's music. Especially if he's playing Prince's music. If he's lying, you'll be a hostage or a statistic. If he's telling the truth, catch the next one.
Watching the Evil Overlord's interview on TV will certainly be interesting, but do not be in the studio audience when he/she/it hosts "Saturday Night Live." Tape it, and wait a week or so to see if any other viewers had any seizures or mind-control problems before you watch the tape.
If you're riding on public transport and the Magnificent Seven board your train or bus, get out immediately and wait for the next one. Especially if they're in their street clothes.
If you are exceptionally attractive, stay away from banks. It's always the buxom redhead who gets taken hostage by the bankrobbers.
Do not run back to get your teddy bear or puppy.
If you have small children, keep them on one of those kid leashes when in public, so that they won't go running back after their teddy bear or puppy.
When a Bad Guy uses you for a human shield, certain delicate areas of his body are in striking range of your heel. Go for it.
If an acquaintance of yours seems to disappear everytime the Hero puts in an appearance, rub some of those brain cells together and see what comes up.
If your child has an adult friend who frequently urges your child to clear his/her mind, or tells you that your child has "a rare gift," set your affairs in order. Your days are numbered.
If you are a news reporter, find a happy medium between the people's right to know and your right to not get kidnapped/held hostage/etc.
Likewise, if you are a policeman, bank guard, or night watchman, and your first shot bounces off of the intruder's chest, try shooting other areas of the intruder's body, like their face, groin, etc. If this also fails, do not waste the rest of your ammo on him/her/it, or risk your neck in hand-to-hand combat; instead, fall back and observe.
Do not attempt to duplicate the means by which the Hero gained his/her powers. You will either fail and die a lingering, agonizing death, or succeed, lose control of your powers, wreck half of the city, and make it necessary for the Hero to kill you to neutralize the threat you pose to everyone else.
If you associate with the Hero, you run the risk of becoming a True Love or a Sidekick, depending on your availability and mutual gender preferences. The former situation will involve hostage situations on a semi-regular basis, but chances of survival are optimal. The latter position can be quite hazardous to your health; avoid it.
If the Hero and the Evil Overlord are engaged in mortal battle, go somewhere else as quickly as possible, before you are squished by a car, the statue of the city's founder, or a collapsing skyscraper.
If you notice that your fellow reporter can type 1,024 words per minute, you should be able to tell that something's up.
If the Evil Overlord offers you immortality, superpowers, or infinite wealth, and all you have to do is something that seems terribly trivial, don't. It's a trick. You will be used as a pawn in a larger game, and then crushed like a bug.
Don't try to impress your significant other by emulating something that a Hero once did. Doing so usually results in said Hero having to come and save your butt. And you look like a complete loser, too.
When you hear reports that the Hero has been involved in some illicit activity, remain skeptical; it's probably a frame-up.
Never purposely investigate the Hero in order to learn his true identity. Success will get you kidnapped by the Evil Overlord.
If a Superhero takes up residence in your city, a nice spacious estate in the country will help you to actualize your potential lifespan.
If you are a security guard for a vast, powerful corporation, try to get assigned to the Marketing or Personnel departments, rather than R&D.
If there's a shy, quiet kid in your class that everyone picks on, treat him with respect and kindness. Your life will be spared when his psychic powers become manifest.
If you are spending the night in a spooky old house on a dare, do not sneak away to another part of the house for romantic interludes with your Significant Other. Instead, wait until you can get a nice, clean, safe motel room.
If you come across a body, do not walk slowly in the direction of a suspicious noise, or stand above the body in a stunned state of shock. Instead, call the police on your cell phone.
If your Mom or Dad is an eccentric researcher, insist that you live close to civilization so that you can socialize with your peers and date. That way you'll be able to judge the Hero and the Evil Overlord on their own merits.
If your Mom or Dad is an eccentric researcher, insist that they educate you in their specialty, so that you can duplicate their research as the need arises, and excercise some restraint on their schemes should they become mad. Keep in mind that if the Evil Overlord offs your parents, you will be required to use you knowledge to defeat him.
If the Hero says "wait here," it really doesn't matter whether you obey him or not. If you stay, you will be captured by the Evil Overlord's henchmen as soon as the Hero is out of earshot. If you tag along, you will be caught by the Evil Overlord's henchmen as you stumble along. Don't agonize over your decision.
Evil Overlord's friendly overtures are never sincere. If he is suddenly friendly to you, answer him with courtesy and skip town at the first opportunity. If he has always been friendly to you, answer him with courtesy and feign utter uselessness in his designs.
Learn to control sneezing, coughing, and other bodily noises so that you won't give yourself away when you're trying to hide from tyrannosaurs, henchmen, etc.
If you enter a house, fortress, cave, temple, tomb, graveyard, etc., especially one with a malevolent aura or history of macabre events, and an eerie, disembodied voice orders you to depart the premises, go.
If the mere presence of your new sweetheart provokes a hostile or fearful reaction in cats or dogs, terminate the relationship immediately.
If someone chasing after someone else asks you to catch the latter, feign incomprehension. If you comply, you'll either catch the hero (and thereby play into the villain's hands), or catch the villain (who will waste you or use you as a hostage).
If you are a police man, bank guard, or night watchman, and somebody breaches the concrete walls of your facility, it is generally a waste of time trying to ask them about their business.
If a new hero shows up and takes business away from the old one, keep your distance; they're either a Bad Guy pretending to be good, or their powers are not fully developed and will soon go out of control.
Do not attempt to observe the Hero's fights in person, but rather, content yourself with watching it on the nightly news.
If mysterious strangers appear at the birth or adoption of your child and make epic proclamations about him/her, listen.
Don't make friends with the Hero's True Love. You'll buy it when she gets kidnapped.
Do not take the shortcut through the woods.
Do not make the snack run alone. Bring someone else with you.
Do not actively try to become a Sidekick or True Love. If you really have what it takes, you'll wind up with the role no matter what you do.
If your corporation conducts research, do not volunteer to work after hours. That's when the experiments go awry.
If you run a corporation that conducts research, do not fire one of your researchers without first dismantling every bit of their laboratory equipment and getting a hold of everything they've taken home.
Do not attempt to chase custom-built vehicles, even if you are a policeman.
If you are singled out as the Chosen One, politely inquire as to what this entails. If the job description involves "Defeating the Darkness," and involves long years of danger and struggle, you've just been made a Hero, and the person naming you as the Chosen One is your Mentor (or can direct you to your Mentor). If the position of Chosen One involves being pampered by half-naked temple virgins, then it will end with you being sacrificed to the volcano, and the person calling you the Chosen One is the Evil High Priest(ess) who intends to perform the ceremony.
Any artifact named as if it were a part of somebody, especially if it really was once a part of somebody, is a Talisman of Purest Evil, and should only be dealt with in a manner pursuant to its destruction.
Stay away from all buildings or natural features of the landscape that resemble skulls, fists, fanged mouths, etc.
Before going off the beaten path for your vacation, check the police archives, and with the old people who live in the region, taking note of any mysterious deaths or disappearances.
No matter how hooked you are on phonics, don't try to pronounce things you find inscribed in ancient artifacts.
Artifacts that are found in pieces should be left in pieces. Most importantly, if the pieces of an artifact stick together during assembly without any sort of adhesive, stop!
When the scholar in the expedition says that the carving promises wrath on he who breaks the seal, it's time to go back to the camp.
When the medical examiner announces that the victim was bitten or eaten by "something weird that I've never seen before, probably some kind of animal", avoid the area where the biting/eating took place. If the victim is still alive, avoid the victim except under broad daylight.
If it glows, avoid it.
When the alien ship arrives, do not join the welcoming committee.
I will design my ship's tactical systems so that I do not have to personally direct every single shot fired.
I will put surge suppressors in the circuitry of my ship, so that a shot striking some distant portion does not cause a control panel on the bridge to explode.
I will design my ships so that command and control functions cannot be hot-wired from a wall panel in the recreation bay.
I will design redundancy into all ship systems, so that the loss of one component will not cripple the entire vessel.
When combat is imminent, my ships' computer will be programmed so that enemy troops that beam aboard will be immediately beamed into empty space, or the originating ship's reactor core, if that is accessible. It will also deliver a kilo of antimatter to the bridge of the ship in question.
When the enemy ship decloaks and is arming weapons, I will immediately open fire on it, instead of waiting for it to fire three or four times.
When a comrade defects to the enemy, I will have all passwords changed, and as soon as it is practical I will have the computer disconnected, its memory flushed, and the approved software reloaded from the original secured CD-ROMs.
Anyone who cannot be entertained by books, music, a good game of cards and a well-stocked bar will not be allowed to crew my ship. Hence there will be no need for a holodeck on my ship.
After capturing a space station from an enemy, I will have the enemy's computer systems completely removed, melted down into slag, and dumped into the nearest stellar object. A new computer will then be installed.
If a crew member is a sanctimonious coward who continually gets us all into trouble through his greed, I shall, after the third or fourth episode of this behavior, act to preserve myself and other comrades only, and let him be destroyed by the mess he made for himself.
Under no circumstance will I agree to not develop or employ any particular technology.
If I have a technologically superior foe who is intent on eliminating my whole civilization, and I am offered a means of utterly annihilating this foe for all time, I will use it.
I will install seatbelts in my space vessels, and have pressure suits and pressure locks at regular intervals.
Technology that chronically malfunctions will be removed from my ship.
To prevent my on-board computer from being reprogrammed by every Tom, Dick and Harry that sneaks on board, its software will be stored in ROM chips that are soldered to the motherboard; RAM will be reserved for data only.
I will design the greatest possible degree of manual back-up into my space vessels, so that when my on-board computer begins to act strangely, I can power it down via a switch located next to my seat on the bridge, and yet not be left totally helpless.
I will never allow someone to read the technical manuals and blueprints of my ship unless they work in engineering or operations and therefore have a need-to-know. All personnel will be properly cleared prior to assignment to engineering or operations. The technical manuals and blueprints of totally fictitious craft will be freely available.
If my starship's drive or weapons systems require lengthy charge times between uses, I shall research and develop equipment that can handle a heavier duty cycle.
My ship's computer will have a clock rate of at least one megahertz and be programmed in C or assembler so that important calculations take a few milliseconds instead of an hour or so.
If a member of my crew can perfectly mimic my voice giving the commands to take control of my ship, additional security measures they cannot mimic will be added, such as palmprints or retinal scans.
If my ship is constantly being bugged/robbed/invaded/taken over, I will replace my security officer, no matter how cool a character he is.
If knowledge of the operating frequency of a ship's system aids in efforts to disable that system, I will employ an arcane development known as "frequency-hopping."
Before allowing crewmembers to take leave on a planet, I will ensure that they are welcome and that its government recognizes legal precepts like The Rule of Law, Trial by Jury, Presumption of Innocence, and so forth. I will also learn all of the local laws so that one of my crewmembers doesn't end up on death row for scratching his nose in public or some other stupid thing.
If one of my crewmembers is unjustly imprisoned and/or condemned, and the officials with whom I speak express a marked disinterest in his actual guilt or innocence, I will not waste time trying to gather evidence that will exonerate the crewmember. Instead, I will immediately mount a rescue mission.
When beaming into hostile territory I will instruct my transporter chief to beam me into a defensible position, with the landing party facing outwards in a circle. I will have my weapon in my hand (not my pocket) before I beam down.
If I beam off of a vessel that is still hostile, I will arrange to leave behind as large an explosive device as I can obtain.
I will not have both rotating and non-rotating sections on a ship. If I need rotational gravity, I will spin the whole ship. Any navigational computer that cannot deal with this will be replaced with one that can.
I will follow the advice of my Chief Medical Officer. If I am not at 100% of my usual level of physical fitness, I will stick to desk duty unless the fate of something genuinely important hangs in the balance.
I will assume that all super-weapons are operational until proven otherwise, especially if they appear to be unguarded.
All critical data and software will be backed up in off-line storage.
A random alien's claims about his/her/its race's cultural values and attitudes will be given no more credence than a random human's claims about human cultural values and attitudes.
My crew shall be trained in the fine arts of tactical combat, such as dispersing assets, walking point, advance guards, flank guards, rear guards, etc.
I will not throw infantry into close-quarter combat with creatures of leviathan stature, but shall turn such affairs over to the artillery crew.
If my ship is whisked to the far side of the galaxy, leaving us with a seventy-year journey home, and a super-being offers to take us home instantly in exchange for having his baby, I'll agree and ask what we can get for two babies.
If anyone beams down and their personal communicator drops carrier, all life forms within ten meters of the last known location shall be beamed directly to the brig. A large well-armed security detail will be waiting.
The people in charge of Sick Bay, Engineering, and R&D will not be the only people staffing those functions, nor shall they accompany away teams.
I will not ask "What does God need with a space ship?" and then order a torpedo strike. I will order the torpedo strike first, and ponder theology on the trip home.
My people will be assigned duties commensurate with their skills. I will not task pilots with leading a ground assault, infiltrating enemy camps, etc.
If I board a derelict ship, and it appears that the former crew and passengers all died in some horrible fashion, I will immediately leave the ship, destroy it, and toss the wreckage into the nearest stellar object.
If I am in red alert status and discover that it was a false alarm, I will stay in red alert for a while before standing down.
Anyone I imprison will be stripped, scanned, and given a prison uniform. This will prevent them from assembling weapons from pieces hidden in their regular clothes.
Any crew member who begins to act strangely will be immediately relieved of duty and confined to the sick bay, pending a complete screening to determine if their personality has been subverted.
I will not let the Whiz Kid conduct research aboard my ship. If he's got a theory that he's itching to test, I will deposit him on an uninhabited planet in friendly space, and make sure that I'm out of the system before he's done unpacking.
I will not depart the starbase unless my complement of Marines are on board.
I will hold repel-boarders drills on my ship. These drills will be held at random hours so that everyone learns what they're supposed to be doing, no matter what the circumstances.
My junior officers will be notified that Academy cadets cannot be field-commissioned, and should they come upon a ship crewed entirely by such, they will immediately take command and return them to where they can receive adult supervision.
I will never send the infantry down on missions that are better suited for orbital bombardment.
If the issued zap guns have "stun" and "kill" modes, they will be set to the former only when the user is about to fire at something that is wanted alive.
If my opponent can adapt to various forms of attack, rendering them useless, I will use some imagination and start attacking in as many radically different ways as possible.
There is a distressing tendency in adventure fiction for the Hero's True Love to be nothing more than a trophy. She gives the hero something to aspire for, and gives the Evil Overlord someone to use as a hostage, but that's it. In the typical story she spends most of her time waiting around for the Hero to rescue her. If she had some kind of useful skill, she might be able to avoid capture, or effect her own escape in a way that does not depend on womanly wiles. The True Love is that category of protagonist whose main role is that of love interest for the hero or heroine. This does not preclude military skills, but then again it doesn't preclude the True Love from being an architect, painter, chef, house husband, etc.
I will never take a vow to marry only someone who can defeat me. I will learn of those laws which limit my marriage options and work towards their repeal. I will decided when and who I marry, thank you very much.
I will not freeze in terror in the presence of monsters or servants of the Evil Overlord.
If I have a friend who never seems to be around when the Hero shows up and clobbers the Bad Guys, I will draw the appropriate conclusions.
If I am captured by the Evil Overlord and escape, I will assume that he is tracking me in some manner. If I am going to the hidden rebel base, I shall first go to an alternate location, change clothing, equipment and means of transportation, and then go to the hidden rebel base.
If I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's plans and my capture is imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute little sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away with many cute little sidekicks.
I will obtain skill in unarmed combat, so that I can kick Bad Guys between the legs, and put my elbow into the Evil Overlord's solar plexus when he uses me as a human shield. I will not, however, attempt to tackle a Bad Guy bare-handed as long as more practical alternatives exist.
I will obtain skill in armed combat, so that when the Evil Overlord and the Hero are engaged in mortal combat, I can grab some dead henchman's weapons and help tilt the odds in the Hero's favor.
I will obtain skill in the use of my legs and feet, so that I can actually run from one place to another without tripping over every shadow, crack, and pebble along my path.
If the Evil Overlord tries to force me into marriage, I will insist on a ceremony so expensive that it will debilitate his industrial capacity. I will be picky about the tiniest details of the ceremony and change my mind frequently so that the resulting delay will give the Hero more time to rescue me.
My own sidekicks will be picked for brains, not looks.
Since liberated women are still allowed to have it both ways, I will not rule out using my womanly wiles to defeat the Evil Overlord. Even if it only works on Stupid Bad Guys, it never hurts to try.
After being forced into a compromising situation, I will not grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and toss it to the Hero when he walks in; I will instead grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and use it on him myself, before the Hero walks in.
Likewise, if I catch the Hero in a compromising situation with another woman, I will give the Hero the benefit of whatever doubt might reasonably exist.
When the Evil Overlord forces me to help betray the Hero, I will make a show of resistance and then feign capitulation. I will then use whatever resources are placed at my disposal to screw the Evil Overlord (in a metaphorical sense, of course).
My clothing and footwear will always be appropriate for the occasion. It will enable me to run, climb, and fight, and will hide as large an assortment of personal weaponry as is practical. It will also protect me from frostbite and hypothermia. If my clothing becomes torn in a manner which threatens to kill me from exposure or transform me into cheesecake, I'll steal a jacket from some bad guy. As I am confident that my charm, loyalty and wit are enough to maintain the Hero's love, the harem girl outfit is reserved for private moments when we are living happily ever after.
I will not hesitate to lie about the Secret Location of the Rebel Base.
If I have any odd phobias to spiders, snakes, lightning, und so weiter, I will seek therapy and overcome them, so that when lives depend on my ability to behave intelligently, I won't panic. Since liberated women can still have it both ways, I will feign phobias in order to deceive or distract Bad Guys.
If I am offered a bribe, I will accept it, and inform the Hero by a pre-arranged means. The happily-ever-after will be happier if we have a good nest egg to start on.
The Hero and I will have a pre-arranged signal so that if one of us is held at gunpoint and the other is ordered to drop his/her weapon, the hostage will know when to duck while the other one plugs the Bad Guy.
Knowing that tentacles have a preference for True Loves, I will keep an eye out for any and all creatures that might have them.
I will obtain some basic mountaineering skills so that when I am dangling off of a cliff the Hero can finish off the Evil Overlord instead of letting him escape in order to rescue me.
If I am presented with a reasonable opportunity to save the day myself, I will at least try, and not wait for the Hero to do it.
I will never buy an apple from peddlers plying their craft in remote places where the customer base could not possibly support a full-time merchant.
I will not give sloppy, wet kisses to the Hero until I verify that he isn't related to me.
I will not jump out of a lifeboat as it's being lowered over the side of a sinking ship. I'll either give my spot to a mother with a baby and join the Hero in a noble death, or sensibly stay on the lifeboat and treasure my memories of him forever.
I will not steal confidential information from the Hero in an attempt to further my career, thus causing the Hero's dismissal from the team assembled to save the earth and severely damaging his efforts to succeed.
If the Hero tells me he wants to break up with me or quit his dangerous job for my protection, it's already too late; a kidnapping is already in the planning, and I will take all reasonable precautions against it.
I will obtain a device that the hero can use to locate me when I, despite my best efforts, am kidnapped.
I will refrain from converting the Captain of the Guard to our side, as it means he will be killed while helping me to escape.
I will refuse all gifts from the Evil Overlord. They probably contain mind-control devices that would make me giddily happy to marry him. It's demeaning enough to be head-over-heels for the Hero, let alone a creep like the EO.
When the Sidekick rescues me, I will dump any gifts received from the Evil Overlord. They probably contain tracking devices, which would result in the Sidekick getting killed; then I'd have to listen to his confession of undying love while he croaks, and feel obligated to say some comforting baloney before his eyes close for the last time, and then after telling the Hero about his friend's courageous sacrifice, wind up naming our first child after him.
There is a fifty-fifty chance that the Hero's Sidekick is in love with me. I'll find him a spunky, moderately-attractive tomboy type about his height, and steer them towards each other. If they quarrel, they're in love; if they hit it off, she loves him, but he's secretly unhappy with her and still loves me, and the Hero will need to send them off on a mission together.
If I absolutely must scream, I'll use actual words with useful information. "I'M BEING EATEN BY A SHUGGOTH!" better enables the Hero to rescue me than does a simple ear-splitting "AAARRRGGHH!"
When the Evil Overlord says that he was driven in his evil by my radiant beauty, I'll just kill him.
I will never vow to slay the killer of my brother or other near relative; there is a fair-to-middling chance that the Hero did it, that it was an accident, and that I won't learn he did it until after I fall in love with him.
If someone capable of feeling pain covers my mouth with their hand, I will make use of my pearly whites at the moment when my captor can least afford to be distracted.
I will save my ethical dilemmas for times when I don't have an enemy at gunpoint.
If the hero tells me to stay put while he goes on ahead, I will do so instead of sneaking around and getting captured.
When selecting a love interest, I will keep an eye out for the spunky, moderately attractive tomboy type who is about my height. The stunningly beautiful ones are probably spies from the Evil Overlord, and are only trying to sweet-talk valuable information out of me or tempt me over to the other side.
Optimism and survival appear to correlate negatively. If I find myself hopeful at all times about human nature, I will verify the status of my insurance policies.
I will strive to complement the Hero's skills instead of duplicating them. If I am the most inventive person ever born, I will cultivate those talents instead of trying to become another swashbuckler.
I will coordinate all Heroic Struggle-related activities with the Hero; if I can't tell him what I'm doing, I probably shouldn't be doing it.
I will not go to town for information if I am routinely beaten to a pulp for doing so.
I will exercise caution during the Heroic Struggle. Neither the depth of the Hero's anguish over my death nor the heat of his fury to avenge me will bring me back from the dead.
I will be quiet and try to stay sober most of the time. If I get drunk and sing bawdy songs at the top of my lungs, I will attract prostitutes who are really working for the Evil Overlord.
If I am tasked to carry a very important message, I will make copies and use FedEx to get them to their destination.
When the beautiful captured spy offers me sexual favors, they are only a trick to kill me and escape; I will decline.
If I take up the profession of arms, I will not necessarily ape the Hero's fashion sense. Specifically, I will have sleeves on my shirt, and the shirt will be buttoned.
If my partner is named Dirty Harry, I should realize that there is a reason for that and ask for a transfer.
Before accepting the role of Sidekick, I will learn how the position became vacant.
If the Hero sends me out on some errand, I will go, perform the task, and return. I will not drop by the tavern for a tankard of ale.
If the Hero does something that hurts my feelings, I shall presume that it was an honest mistake. I will not go wandering off by myself in a fit of self-pity, only to be captured by the Evil Overlord.
I will inform the Hero and his associates of any embarrassing secrets, so that the Evil Overlord cannot use them to blackmail me.
If I am flying a one-man craft which is critically damaged, I will eject. Only if the ejector seat fails will I belt out a long, despairing, agonized scream as I fly the craft into an enemy structure.
If the Hero has any extra-nifty weapons or armor, I will try to obtain like items for myself.
I will not wear a red shirt when beaming down to a planet.
I will not tell the Hero any of my plans regarding settling down after the Evil Overlord is overthrown.
I will never open a package addressed to the Hero, or pick up his laundry, or perform other personal tasks on his behalf.
When the Hero tosses me his car keys, I will toss them back, and take the bus. Let the car bomb blow him up for a change.
I will not die and be brought back to life by the Hero with such frequency that the fans say I have a revolving door in the afterlife.
I will make plans for disposal of my body after I have died, so the Evil Overlord cannot use it for insidious reasons of his own.
Somone involved in the Heroic Struggle has an identical twin out there. I'll plan accordingly.
If I find a pit, I will not throw a rock into it to see how deep it is, unless this information is actually needed for some reason.
If I fall in love with the Hero's True Love, I will inform the Hero first, and then the True Love, so that they can help me get over it and find someone else.
If I fall in love with someone else, I will tell him/her now, and not shyly procrastinate, thereby dooming the object of my affection to perish just as I was getting up the courage to make my feelings known.
If the Hero calls for me from some dark place I did not expect him to be, I'll hit the place with some manner of illumination, ask for the password, and proceed with the utmost caution.
If the Hero wants me to go get something, I'll arrange for delivery. If this is not available, I'll take along a few faithful comrades. At no time will these services be performed at night.
If the Hero is fated to slay certain entities, the Evil Overlord in particular, this means that I will not slay them, and should avoid trying.
If the Hero warns me that my girlfriend is a Servant of Evil, I am in a perverse quandary. If I believe him and terminate the relationship, he will turn out to have been dead wrong, and the resulting alienation of affection will drive her to the Dark Side. If I don't believe him, he will turn out to be right, and I will be used as a pawn by my scheming paramour. I guess the only solution is to take my sweetie on a long vacation and not return until after the Heroic Struggle is completed.
I will not goad bad guys with statements like "over my dead body."
Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur.
Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial victims, and ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be unexpectedly introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for not-to-specs work is death and/or mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity.
Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful. Be very careful to pronounce only one syllable at a time; some deities tend to pop up at every mention of their name, and expect an acceptable sacrifice to be waiting for them.
Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the survival rate of the other women who have undergone the procedure.
Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such faith groups usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure.
Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight--it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms. Its jingling also tends to warn the hero of your approach.
Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like direct sunlight to the Powers of Darkness.
If the spirit contacted during a seance begins offering financial advice, you're dealing with a con artist, and not a genuine medium.
Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cab fare, and change.
Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly creatures.
When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
Followers who have a speech impediment should be excused from speaking parts in any and all ceremonies. The mispronunciation of the deity's name can have catastrophic effects.
Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.
If the ritual site has some strange powder sprinkled around that wasn't there the last time, postpone all ceremonies until the site is verified.
When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed this simple safety tip.
When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered "bad form."
Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.
Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B complex, and a good hot bath.
Never play strip Tarot.
Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature, can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god/goddess, and the deal made in exchange for the soul. However, it is also true that gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.
For those situations where a fresh, living, sacrifice is not available, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from SPAM is right out.
Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal and innocent (and tend to turn out to be the Hero's girlfriend), see if you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, school board members, and other people who won't be missed.
Register the copyrights on your chants, so that you'll have a leg up when some long-haired, dope-smoking, maggot-infested rock group plagiarizes them for a fast buck.
Do not allow your mental condition to degrade any further than the obligations of your deity require. A good psychiatrist helps.
Avoid getting sent to rough up the Hero. Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a sure ticket to the bottom of the Thames. Remember, however, that all Heroes get roughed up at least once, so if this has never happened to the Hero, go for it!
Avoid killing people not actively involved in the rebellion; the Evil Overlord has enough enemies as it is. Especially don't kill relatives, significant others, or best friends of the Hero. Normally after the Evil Overlord is overthrown, henchmen can get off with a few hundred hours of community service, but if you off the Hero's loved ones, he'll make lasagna out of you.
Unless the Evil Overlord pays extra for indiscriminate slaughter, avoid it. Why should you give your services away for free?
As tempting as it may be, never try to ravish the Evil Overlord's Beautiful But Wicked daughter. She can probably mop the floor with you. Daddy will not try to stop her. He thinks it's funny.
Learn where the trap door is in the floor Evil Overlord's audience chamber. Avoid standing there, especially when bad news is brought to the Evil Overlord.
As soon as the evil lord has the Hero in his power, seek the nearest available escape route. The fewmets are about to hit the windmill.
Learn to distinguish Heroes from Sidekicks. Heroes are usually taller and more somber, while Sidekicks dress with more flair and tell more jokes. Taking on the Hero when you only have enough manpower/firepower to take on the Sidekick will earn you an all-expenses-paid trip on Stygian Cruise Lines.
Never allow yourself to be provoked into doing anything stupid by insults from the Hero or Sidekicks.
No matter how attractive the captured heroine is or how seductively she bats her eyes, she really does not want to sleep with you. Do not unlock the cell door.
If the heroes give you a chance to surrender or flee, take it.
If you surrender to the Hero, don't try to stab him when his back is turned; the Sidekick will get you first.
If the seemingly helpless person you have just cornered is confident and unafraid despite being outnumbered and surrounded, you have encountered a Hero in disguise. Run while you still can.
If the Hero you are sent after dresses entirely in black, he is even more dangerous than the Evil Overlord suspects; double all requisitions for men and firepower.
Practice your "accidental" sword/gun dropping technique. It's the only thing that can save you when the Hero is winning.
When you have someone at gunpoint and that person says "you haven't got the guts to kill me," disprove his/her hypothesis.
The Evil Overlord will not risk his life to save yours. Why risk yours for his?
If the Hero is using you as a human shield and the Evil Overlord asks you if the Doomsday Weapon is prepared, say "no."
If the Evil Overlord orders you to kill some prisoners and then departs for business elsewhere, leave as quickly as possible; there is about to be a successful rescue attempt.
Never allow yourself to be turned into a vicious, ravening beast to defeat the Hero. It never works, and you girlfriend will not understand. She will dump you for one of the Good Guys.
Never hold hostages at point blank range. Anyone quick enough to even back into the role of Hero can punch you out faster than you can pull the trigger.
When disposing of bodies, dump them in the Evil Overlord's territory, and not in neighboring lands presently outside of his control.
Find out where the Evil Overlord has installed the self-destruct switch for his secret base (the real switch, not the decoy), and disable it at the first opportunity. The base will get blown up anyway, but your chances of escaping are better.
Don't let the Evil Overlord use you as a lab animal.
If you can't avoid being used as a guinea pig by the Evil Overlord, any powers you gain from the experiment will make it needful for the Hero to kill you at some point during the Heroic Struggle. Change sides and take your just revenge.
Unless you are calling for assistance, there is no need to yell when you are attacking the Hero. Especially when you're doing it from behind.
The recommended method for checking to see if the Hero is still alive is to shoot him in the head
Start with a sound building. Broken windows and decrepit construction may be picturesque, but a computerized operation can't tolerate the inevitable dust, bugs, and rain; and besides, they're hell on your heating and cooling bills.
Instead of building a huge flashy Fortress of Evil, consider renting an anonymous warehouse, an empty office block, or a strip mall or industrial park that's fallen on hard times. It'll save money, be harder to spot, and will already have utility hookups.
Also consider filling unneeded space in your lab with incomprehensible but powerful-looking surplus computer equipment -- superannuated vaxen and the like, bought cheap -- to keep your minions properly cowed.
A stock of mysterious old equipment is also useful for chasing off intruders. Studies have shown that most secret agents will flee as soon as a few large and imposing items begin to emit sparks and smoke. An additional "it's about to blow" warning siren will cause more than 90% of international counterintelligence agents to run out the nearest exit without checking to see whether the smoking equipment is part of the evil plot they were trying to foil.
Self-destruct mechanisms should only be triggerable from the heart of your device/ship/fortress, and should implode from the outside rather than explode from the inside.
Your Command Center should have a heavily guarded room at the bottom of a 100-story subterranean shaft that contains a sophisticated bus-sized computer with a fake encoded plan, no external links, and no real function whatsoever. The real command center will be a satellite-linked laptop on a card-table with a folding chair, near the top of the elevator shaft, behind a door marked 'standpipe valves' that's accessible through the unlocked janitor's closet.
In an unobtrusive spot outside your fortress, plant a remotely-controlled boom box with a tape recording of a sports car speeding away. If the hero breaks in, just step into a broom closet, cue the boom box, and wait calmly while he goes off on a wild goose chase. Then come out and get back to work.
If possible, no exhaust ports should lead directly to the heart of the reactor core. If that is unavoidable, all such exhaust ports should have closeable reinforced blast doors at every other level, and alternate routes of venting in case of emergency.
Your computer systems should have uninterruptable power supplies, and your circuitry should use breakers or fuses with the appropriate tolerances.
Make a careful study of whatever documentation comes with your decorative old computer junk. Learn to imitate its style. That way, even if you foolishly succumb to the temptation to tell the hero the details of your plan, he won't understand a word of it.
It should never be necessary to store explosive materials and/or fuel anywhere near your central control or commuter complex. If for some reason this happens anyway, they should not be in the same room as your central computer. They should be in a concrete bunker protected by blast doors and fire prevention systems. The same goes for the vats of toxic waste, acids, and super-cold liquids.
All non-instantaneous deathtraps (drowning pools, trash compactors, gas chambers, etc.) should be isolated from the communications and power grids.
It's wise to assume that deathtrap manufacturers' brochures base their Estimated Time to Kill (ETK) on tests using non-heroes, and test only the minimum ETK. Therefore, Heroes trapped in a non-instantaneous deathtrap should remain there a minimum of several times longer than its ETK, and even then should be treated as potentially dangerous until any remains are incinerated.
All deathtraps will have only one way in or out. Any way out should lead to an even more cunning and fast-working deathtrap.
Remember: No amount of decorating finesse makes up for the lack of an overwhelming aura of evil.
Make a point of finding out all those lovely little family secrets so that the Hero can never spring them on you.
Do not fall in love with the Hero.
If you fall in love with the Hero, and decide to help him, do not declare your intentions to Daddy. He'll just clap you in irons, pending execution. Of course the Hero will rescue you, but that's demeaning.
If the Hero takes you to his secret base, and once there tells all about his plans, smile sweetly, leave, and find another man; this Hero is obviously so stupid he will not be around for very long.
If any of Daddy's Evil Henchmen try to make a move on you, maim them at least. While the encounter might be interesting, it would set a bad precedent.
If you fall in love with the Hero, and want him to return your affection, do not use a drug concocted by a wizened old lady living on the top of a mountain. If the hero is not blind, your natural charms will be sufficient to win him over. If he prefers some tramp of a princess, then he obviously has rotten taste; find someone better.
If you fall in love with the Hero, and learn that he has a True Love, carefully investigate the relationship. If she has never returned his affection, the position is still open to competition (but you have to work as the Hero's Sidekick for a while, first). If the True Love returns the Hero's affection, give it up. Especially, do not try to eliminate the True Love by killing her, framing her, or subverting her. You'll either fail, be unmasked as the culprit, or both.
Do not wear dresses with high, fan-like collars. Stick with close-fitting, simple little numbers that allow you to turn your head to see behind you. If for some reason you have to wear a dress with a high collar, there is an arcane device called a "mirror" that will help you watch your back.
Have some engineers install a hidden exit from the room where Daddy imprisoned Mommy for the rest of her days after she displeased him.
Do not mistreat the populace. Let Daddy be the one to make enemies of all the Heroes in the land.
If you have siblings, do not trust them. They'll only use you shamelessly. Of course if they're stupid enough to trust you, use them shamelessly.
If any of your siblings try to enlist your help to overthrow Daddy, smile, agree, and then turn them in. They're either stupid (in which case the plot would certainly fail and you'll get caught), setting you up (in which case not turning them in is a very bad idea), or they've turned Good (in which case life under the new regime would be boring).
Laugh at all of the Sidekick's jokes, no matter how lame they are. That way when you pretend to fall for him he will be more easily fooled.
Rather than simply being an attractive stage prop, make sure that you know every detail of the running of the Evil Empire, so that if anything unpleasant happens to Daddy, the transition of power will go smoothly. Then make sure that something unpleasant happens to Daddy.
Make up your mind now whether you want to marry the Hero or slowly cut him into little pieces. Do not attempt the latter until you have given up on the former.
Daddy's Trusted Lieutenant works for Daddy. When he catches you cavorting with the Hero, he will gleefully take whatever you offer for his silence, and then turn you in anyway.
I will never attend an auction of an Ultimate Weapon. If it's truly as good as advertised, the auctioneer would already be the Evil Overlord.
Any Ultimate Weapon that requires assembly of five components scattered to the four corners of the earth can be made in my private laboratory with three times the security in probably half the time.
Any Ultimate Weapon that was disassembled in the distant past and its components scattered to nearly inaccessible niches across the globe could not have been that great in the first place, or else it would never have been disassembled.
If my Ultimate Incantation or Supreme Summoning leaves me weak and vulnerable from the expenditure of energy, I will only undertake it deep in the center of my fortress, and get plenty of sleep before applying the results.
There is a reason why the spell book of the last Evil Empress is available to me. If I came into possession of it through any means that involved defeat of its power, I will use it as a doorstop only.
Instead of going to the trouble and risk of stealing a 200 MT nuclear device and ransoming a city for the billions of dollars I'll need for my Ultimate Diabolical Plan, I'll simply open a evangelical teleministry. That way I also get a bonus Fanatic Legion that will obey my every command, should I ever need such a thing.
If I come into possession of, or manage to assemble the Ultimate Weapon, I will immediately use it at full power in direct pursuit of my goal of world domination. No warning shots across the bow, No "This is only a fraction of my weapon's potential!" grandstanding.
I will also refrain from using the Ultimate Weapon for simply offing the Hero. If it's really the UW, the Hero's efforts will come to naught anyway.
No Ultimate Incantation that requires sacrifice of a Virgin is worth the trouble of a) securing such a rarity and b) relying on a quality so easily cured by an amorous Hero or Heroine in a few minutes' stolen time.
If my superweapon can be controlled by computers or other electronic/electrical means, then there is no need for there to be only one set of controls right next to the main power source. A fake set, directly connected to a multi-amp circuit, will occupy this location.
While it may be tempting to use an Ultimate Weapon or Spell with a rare, almost impossible to exploit, Tiny Flaw to accomplish my goals, if many Penultimate Weapons or Spells with no such flaw can achieve the same effect, I will employ them instead.
I will not use area-effect, mind-altering spells as a long-term solution to civil unrest, because (a.) They wear off, or the subjects gain or breed immunity, and the population I made to love me will inevitably hate me; and (b.) Outsiders not susceptible to the initial spell will quickly become suspicious, and try to Do Something about my subjects' mindless happiness.
Keep a set of books listing those activities of the Evil Overlord which would would be a credit to Gandhi. Show these records to anyone who cares to see them.
Keep a second set of books that lists the activities in the first set of books, plus those activites that look fishy at a cursory glance, but at closer examination are perfectly within the letter of the law, and maybe bend it a little. Show these books to auditors who aren't fooled by the first set of books, and then only when the Evil Overlord has no choice but to allow examination. Keep them a bit disheveled so that anyone looking at them will think you were caught with your pants down.
Keep a third set of books, listing everything the Evil Overlord is up to. Show these books to the Evil Overlord when he wants to see them. Show them to nobody else. Store them in thermite-packed cabinets so that they can be destroyed with extreme speed.
Keep a fourth set of books, listing the locations and passwords for the bulk of the Evil Overlord's loot, including the Plundered Crown Jewels. Use this information to bargain for your miserable cowardly life when the Hero defeats the Evil Overlord.
Keep a fifth set of books, listing the locations and passwords for a small portion of the Evil Overlord's loot, in the form of unmarked and untraceable cash. Use this information to set yourself up for retirement after the Evil Overlord is overthrown.
When the Hero and his allies storm the Evil Overlord's castle, hide under the Sturdy Oak Table with the other Sly Advisors until the fighting stops. If the Evil Overlord wins, it's back to business as usual; your sniveling cowardice will only stoke the Evil Overlord's feelings of superiority over you, so you will not be punished. If the Hero wins, thank the Hero for freeing you from the Evil Overlord's mind control, show him to where the Plundered Crown Jewels are kept, and then when nobody's looking, get the portion of the Evil Overlord's loot that you have earmarked for your retirement fund and retire.
Do not bother the Evil Overlord with the details of finances; math bores him. Simply remember his net worth at any given moment and be prepared to supply that figure on demand.
Do not embezzle from the Evil Overlord, unless you are able to cover the discrepancy by exaggerating the losses incurred by the bumbling of the Evil Overlord's other henchmen, and then only when said henchmen are dead.
Before performing guard duty, familiarize yourself with the sound of a tossed pebble, and learn to avoid being distracted by it.
When performing guard duty, do not stare continually in one direction, but take a moment now and then to look around.
And while you're pulling guard duty, if anyone shows up with a prisoner transfer or maintenance job, and you don't know about it, arrest them on the spot.
When you are fighting intruders, do not fight them quietly, but yell "Intruder!" while you still have breath.
When issued armor or uniforms that contrast with the service environment, respectfully inquire after more sensibly-colored attire.
Get plenty of firearms practice, and shoot at the Hero, not at the ground around him; kicking up lots of dirt looks cool, but it won't stop the Hero.
Don't attack the hero alone or in pairs. The Evil Overlord hired a million of you for a reason.
Learn how to lead from the rear and command from afar, just like the Evil Overlord does.
Exercise care in the abuse of oppressed peoples. Many farm implements make effective weapons in the hands of a skilled opponent. Some of those little old men can teach you a thing or two about hand-to-hand, too. And it would be just your luck for the villager you pick on to actually be the Hero masquerading as one of the villagers.
Test your armor's ability to stop a minimum of one sword thrust or laser blast, and if it does not give at least this much protection, respectfully inquire after more.
Make sure that your headgear allows for a useful field of vision.
Remember that if the Hero and/or his comrades are being purposefully allowed to escape, there is no need for you to get killed in your effort to "prevent" the escape.
If a prisoner suddenly takes ill, notify the Evil Overlord and await his instructions. Do not go into the cell to examine him/her yourself.
If you're on patrol and your partner mysteriously disappears, call for backup before you go look for him.
If your unit's name contains words like "Imperial", "Elite", "Supreme", "Tactical", "Storm" or "Special", request a transfer as soon as possible. These guys always get clobbered first when the Heroes attack.
When the hero or his sidekicks are at your mercy, don't stop to gloat.
If you can't resist gloating, don't boast about the reward you expect to receive from your master for bringing them in or killing them off.
If you gloat and boast, don't be surprised if a comrade of the person you have at your mercy jumps you from behind while you're distracted with your boasting.
If you fail to complete your mission, skip town. Returning to the Evil Overlord to report on your failure will usually get you killed.
While the Evil Overlord is gloating over his anticipated success in the venture he is about to launch, it is considered impolite to ask "And if you fail?" You probably won't be flogged, maimed, or killed for your temerity, but why risk it?
Never wear gender-inappropriate underwear if swords are common. The Hero will slice your suspenders, causing your pants to fall and exposing you to ridicule.
If you follow orders and fail, the Evil Overlord will claim he told you to do something different, and your body parts will be used a castle decorations. If you disobey orders and succeed, the EO will act as if what you did was his idea, and you will be commended. The Moral: Do what works.
Find out what happened to your predecessor. Learn from it.
Always have a scapegoat arranged in order to explain every failure.
Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, accept responsibility for failure.
Inoculate before invasion.
Don't terrorize around nuclear power stations.
No matter how pretty the girl is, leave her alone. It's almost guaranteed that your anatomies (not to mention your biologies) are incompatible.
If your planet desperately needs women, chances are you can get them without invasion by simply offering job and pay equity.
Don't route all power through the Mothership.
Don't climb tall buildings to evade capture unless you can fly from the top.
Always pretend to be immune to gunfire. People will only shoot at you if they think it'll do some good.
Don't lay your eggs in a major metropolitan subway system. Find a nice secluded cave.
If you can outbreed your enemies, don't go for the brute force takeover.